Do you know anyone having a baby?
Chapter one of a soon to be released advice book… just kidding, i have no freaking idea what i’m doing at the best of times x
DO YOU KNOW ANYONE HAVING A BABY?
Being pregnant with your first baby is exciting af. Am I right? It's all hearts and flowers with magic rainbow flying unicorns farting sparkling angel dust everywhere.
Not everyone will tell you this, but there are some things aside from learning how to swaddle and settle that you should probably know.
So here's my version of 10 things to know before you deliver your bump...
1. DO YOUR KEGEL EXERCISES!!!
All of them. And then add another 1,927,212 for good measure
Or don't. You can always just cross your legs when you sneeze and forever be a trampoline spectator at kids parties.
2. BREASTFEED (OR NOT!)
Just feed your kid.
There's so much frigging pressure on women to breastfeed. If you can't, they'll tell you you're a shit mother with poor maternal instincts.
Flip them the bird and just do what you want. Nobody needs a hungry crying baby.
So feed 'em. Breast or bottle - just do what's right for you and your hungry bubba.
I breastfed, simply because I could. My nipples were the size of a fcking third world country making it near impossible not to.
Do what you will.
3. KIDS CRY.
Don't overthink it. They're just little beings that can't tell you they're hungry, tired or if they've just done a gag worthy poop
Don't panic every time you hear them. Or the first words they say won't be "mumma" they'll be "beeeeotch, I own you".
4. SLEEP/CO-SLEEP.
Do whatever the fark you can to get some sleep. There are 1,000’s of theories on what is right - and all of them have some wanker scientist’s theory to back it up.
Just sleep when you can and sleep however the hell you please.
5. Take 1,699,212 maternity pads to the hospital.
Take one packet and they'll last you approximately 2.5 minutes.
Nek minute...
It'll be like two blood drunk vampires had an orgy on your body and you'll have no fanny pads to save yourself.
Just make your partner go and buy some at the nearest chemist...It's SOOO MUCH FUN to mess with them and NOT tell them the brand or even the size you want. I had a panic stricken call from the Husband asking me which ones to buy.
My response was simply "All of them"
6. YOU'LL POOP WHEN YOU PUSH.
Don't believe people when they say they didn't poop.
Either their doctor/partner was too polite to tell them, they had an enema, a caesarean, or they're simply lying to you.
Either way, you'll poop like a two year old after their first chicken curry. Whatevs
7. YOU'LL FREAK OUT WHEN YOUR BABY SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME
You'll run faster than Yusain Bolt in the 100 metre finals when you sleep through
Pretty sure every parent has done this and it's completely normal.
8. YOU SHOULD HOLD ON TO YOUR HUSBAND'S PENIS FOR AT LEAST TWO CONTRACTIONS DURING LABOR
You don't actually need to but it's fun af to give them a brief understanding of the pain you're going through. You could also lean in and whisper "i'll freaking end you for doing this to me" and then pretend you didn't actually say it
9 HEMORROIDS
If you feel something funny on your bum it's probably just a hemorrhoid. These little buggers are not your friends so try not to strain when you poop (eeeeewwwwwwww!)
10. UNDERSTAND THAT PARENTING IS NO WALK IN THE PARK.
If you struggle, seek help.
If you're sick of people telling you how to be a parent, tell them to bugger off.
Cut yourself some slack as there's no such thing as perfect parents or indeed perfect babies. Some sleep, some don't. Some feed well, some don't. Some want to be held, some don't.
And by the way, it's also perfectly normal to flip your kid the bird and whisper "for fcks sake" 212 times a day.
It's called parenting at its finest.
Being a mother is both the hardest and most fcking amazing unpaid job you'll ever do.
Do what you want and own it.
Enjoy!
Fi xx