Episode 9
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Welcome to another edition of absolute farkery on the Trash Train . Here’s the Update for Trash Bags, ep 9 on Married At First Sight Australia
In this shocking 9th edition of absolute farkery on I’m An Arsehole, Get Me Outta Here, comes the Commitment Ceremony which Expert John assures us a “a pivotal part of the experiment" and is “critical for feedback” #okeydokeyjohnnyboy
THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY - aka THE COUCH OF FARKERY
Everyone piled in the room and there was a #dramaticpause....ooooh geeeeee, what could they be waiting for? The door opened up and Deeply Discounted Tool Tim entered the room and Jamie giggled "you're shtting me. The gall of THAT man to come waltzing in #toolsdontwaltzmate
First up was
LOVE AT SECOND SIGHT CARINA AND CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOSTER PAUL
The Experts were ***wink wink*** still shocked these two knew each other. Carina and Paul explained they were "happy and content/on Cloud 9" So Sexpert Melania Alessandra was all "yeah, whatever, have you shagged or.....?" Carina quickly pointed out "but I made him wait" and dude, don't be all coy when you just admitted to having a boof on national telly. No judgement, but what will your nonna say?
BOTH STAY
DEIDRE CHAMBERS JEFF AND WHAT A CONCIDENCE RHI
***wink wink*** Oh wow, another couple that knew each other, what a coincidence. We found out they'd been 'intimate' when they dated but were waiting in case it "fizzled out like it did before" Hang on, what? Just get it on you two, 'cause, no offence, but you guys need something as you're like Ken and Barbie on freaking prozac. #yawn
BOTH STAY
DANCE WITH ME ASHLEIGH AND GARFIELD PJ'S JAKE
Ash donned a bus driver's outfit and ran over Jake a few more times about the Photo Wall of Farkery debacle before apologising. Yup #soznotsoz. Jake said he "didn't know what to say...I tried to make jokes" and honestly, I felt bad for him and the mini pile on.
Baby Reindeer Billy made it known he was unimpressed with Jake's comments about Sierah and just when it looked like the storm had passed, Billy added "there were MORE comments" Yup. The Experts held Jake to account blah blah blah and really, this whole couch session annoyed me.
Ash wrote STAY declaring "I need Jake to step up....I will give it a week to see if you can step up" Ummmm what? Come on Ash, maybe you could take a step down off your dibber dobbing high horse yeah? Jake wrote LEAVE as "she went behind my back. Trust is the biggest thing and I can't trust her right now"
And for the newbies, if one person writes STAY they have to STAY
TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE AND THE BIG FRIENDLY GIANT DAVE
These two are the clear crowd favourite as the mob almost gave them a standing ovation when their names were called.
Dave feels "so comfy and seen" by Jamie who is refreshingly "herself" Awwwwww stop it. Jamie in turn is in a "love bubble" #watchoutforthelittlepricks and is "touching up" a touchable BFG Dave. "Ooooooh" said Sexpert Melania licking her lips "have you two boofed?" And yes, yes they have, thanks for asking you little perv
BOTH STAY
REALITY RETREAD SIERAH AND BABY REINDEER BILLY
I like Baby Reindeer so I'm hoping the rumour of Sierah cheating is just that, but for now, there's no airtime for you two. #forthemoment
BOTH STAY
JACQUI WITH A PEEN RYAN AND I COMPLETE ME JACQUI
Every time I see these two I stare open mouthed like a guppy at the TV. #likeaguppy. You see, they had a "perfect vision" of what they'd wanted and needed the Experts to explain why their order had been ignored. Ummmmmm, you know you're on MAFS ya pair of numpties, orders are never written down correctly #orderup
Ryan went on to explain "i wanted someone to cook with and she hates cooking" #butshesgoodateverything and Jacqui added giggling "yeah, he likes the air-con cold, I like it hot so I have to wear a jumper to bed" Ummmm WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY ARE THEY SMILING?
Then Jacqui started giggling again and I was like #rightosybil seriously? Expert John asked about the laughing and she said "I have to disassociate myself from the things he says" and I'm just gonna leave that one completely alone...except to say WHAT. THE. ACTUAL TRASH TRAIN WRECK FCK?
Anywho, then they did a weird mutual verbal masturbation session "yeah, we sleep in the same bed and we've bonded in other ways...we're both business savvy, we know Crypto currency, we discuss modern affairs and we're super intelligent" Expert John told them to STFU *** not quite but close**** as they had literally listed why they're compatible and I can't do anymore on them. ***giggle giggle from Jacqui***
BOTH STAY
GREG EVANS TONY AND DJ MORENA
Look, I'm sure individually these two are #lubbilyjubbily but as a couple it's just not gonna work. Morena wants Tony to get "deep" and Tony wants to drink rakija with his mates, feed his chooks and say a couple of words an hour.
Oh yeah Tony, look in the mirror mate and say "Morena Morena Morena" far out dude, calling her Marianne? #puttherakijadown
BOTH STAY
YO ADRIAN AND AWHINA WARRIOR PRINCESS
Awhina has a "huge attraction" to Adrian and just wants "to cater to him" Cater to him? #youarenotarestaurant Awhina is concerned about the mum thing and after being pushed by Expert John, Yo Adrian did a 180 explaining if he "fell in love" it wouldn't be a problem which was fair enough.
And talking of falling, I hope the rumour of Yo Adrian accidentally tripping over and falling into Sierah isn't true. #oopsislippedandmypeenfellout
BOTH STAY
And last and definitely the least, we come to
PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS KATIE AND DEEPLY DISCOUNTED DEFLECTOR TOOL TIM
Katie’s lizard woke up from slumber and bitch slapped Tim before going back to sleep as a necklace. Katie ran us over Tim's checklist of knobbery "he ordered a blonde/brunette, petite yada yada" and the #nospark comment which he "verified". Ouch.
Katie shut Tim down with a "i'm not done talking" and oooooooooh, Katie the Confident where have you been? #lizardhighfives
Here's the rest of the Couch convo - as I recall #yourhonour
TIM: I was here for love and I tried to get to know her on the honeymoon but she was reading emails!
KATIE: ***knows to just sit there quietly***
EXPERT JOHN: Can't really blame her, I'd rather be reading emails right now so....
TIM: She didn't reach out to me! I just wanted someone to be here 4 me. ****whispers quietly *** Like, a fckn skinny blonde chick.
EXPERT JOHN: why are you here?.l
TIM: Timmy came to repair his reputation....Timmy wants love...I'm hopeful
EXPERT JOHN: Hush child
.
TIM: Katie ignored me at the Dinner Party!
EXPERT JOHN: Righto mate, you're done. We watched your How to Gaslight 101 lesson while you deflected with your ninja turtle on meth moves. She blamed herself and it broke my heart
TIM But it's not all my fault!
EXPERT JOHN: Take some responsibility!
TIM: Yeah......nah...
BOTH WROTE LEAVE
And that was all she wrote
Fi xx