Episode 10
TOOT TOOT Muddapluckers!
Well tweak my nips and tell me I’m pretty in front of a camera crew for Intimacy Week. Here’s the Update for Trash Bags, Ep 10 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Before we get Sexpert Melania Alessandra's "Sex-u-al In-tee-ma-cee party started, we have to watch the "shock turn of events" of Garfield PJ's Jake leaving the experiment. Yup, I for one was shocked after the mini pile on at the Couch of Farkery #hohum Jake was done like a ummmm...I don’t know, he was done. Ash was spewin' as she was on here for the long haul and now the Dance Studio will have to advertise instead of milking the MAFS train. Look, these two were just never gonna happen so mehhhh....hooroo folks.
And by the way Jakey boy, I heard about the group messages and I gotta say, maybe you were a bit of a twatty twatwaffle.
Now let's get back to watch Melania Alessandra, our resident Sexpert explain she has ”lots of ac - tee - vee- tees" #activities for the couples and is “upping the ante” Please God, don't let them all sit around having a furious mass-debating session (read it again) #besticoulddo Oooooh, look at Fi getting in on the action...
Moving on…Alessandra, the saucy minx, invited all the Brides over for an 'Intimacy Workshop' where we heard about "digging deep/'exploring the strong foundation/ building yada da”. And right before I changed the channel from the SBS archaeological dig doco, Alesanndra purred "did you think it would all be sex toys and whips?" and yes, yes they did.
Twenty to Life Jamie wanted goss and Awhina Warrior Twincess threw out a "yeah, Yo Adrian and I have been intimate...haha just before I came here... I came here #sorry Jamie agreed with Awhina's "sex is less about them and more about the way I feel" and added "Men don't understand we need to hear how amazing we are." Ohhhh Jamie, I love ya mate but Jacqui heard that and she's out of control in the "yeah, I'm amazing stakes" #haveyouheardshesamazing
Speaking of the out of control, I Complete Me Jacqui, she decided to share as well "I want to be connected to my partner ALL the time!" And Jacqui, I still have childhood trauma from seeing two dogs like that so thanks a fckg lot for the image. #heytwodogs.
Sexpert Alessandra asked Jacqui if she was "confident having sex?" and Jacqui replied "ummmm, have you not met me? My partners think I'm the most beautiful girl. They love my hair, my arse! They ALWAYS give me compliments" My dog, Norman the Wonder Woofer whimpered before passing out from the world's most glorious fart of disgust #onyanormie. AND HE’S NEVER DONE THAT JACQUI! #imreportingyoutowires
Next to pipe up on on the ‘lets get noticed show' was Reality Retread Sierah who has experience in getting airtime "Baby Reindeer Billy and I shagged once weeks ago! I walk around naked, and nada. I want to be touched! Spanked! Just fckn touch it! Bite my nipples!" And no glorious readers, for once, i didn't exaggerate the conversation. Sierah wants airtime tonight, so it's her time to shine #oratleastglisten
Dj Morena, concerned she was being a "Debbie Downer" admitted she hadn't had "intimacy" for 7 years and received "WTF" stares from everyone except Sexpert Alessandra. She went on "Tony goes to bed at 5:30pm on the couch " and "doesn't want to touch me" You see, Morena came to "bond with a human" not to watch Tony snore on the couch #maybecousinstevenwasright
The Intimacy Task “Ac - tee -vee -tees” set by Sexpert Melania Alessandra was for the brides to create the "Ultimate Fantasy Night" #UFN where "you get to choose, you get to decide"
Loooooord help me write this freaking thing....
Twenty To Life Jamie shopped for lingerie and went home in a little red number. The BFG Dave quickly became the 'Big Friendly Fark Off Camera Crew Giant Dave' as soon as he saw her. He picked her up, carried her to the bedroom and slammed the door shut. Noice one Dave, this is how you do it. And when I say 'it' I meant being on the show. And ‘it ‘I guess. #davedoesitwell
Love at Second Sight Carina usually plays a "submissive role" and went home in a quasi-Dom lingerie kit thingy. Ok, I said 'quasi-Dom outfit' during a recap like i knew wtf I was talking about #Fithedomhasaniceringtoitthough Awho, she went home and spoon fed him chocolate submissively before licking his nips. And when he groaned, I ran from the room with the camera crew. What is your Nonna gonna say now Chicka? #oooohcarinanoniplickingforyou
Awhina Warrior Princess had a 'sexy game night' with Yo! Adrian after sucking on a can of whipped cream. As for the game night? I agreed with Yo Adrian the "games are a bit cringe" Yes mate, try being us, watching this show tonight. #cringeathon
Meanwhile, in another cringey part of the Contra Apartments, Greg Evans was doing the housework to shake off some of his ‘WTF is going to happen if Morena wants to boof me’ nervous energy. Never fear Tony, Morena just wanted you to paint her laying on the couch like Leo did for Kate in the Titanic. And look, I get it, Morena wants to feel sexy, and they had fun yada yada but no. I have a feeling if they were on the Titanic, Tony would have done a Kate and hogged the door at the end. #katekilledleo
Down the hall, What a Coincidence Rhi had organised her UFN with sushi, dimmed lights, red wine and a hint of vanilla ice cream for Deidre Chambers Jeff #vanillaisfinethanks. I actually think these two are the best matched #rematched couple on the show. Ya see, without sounding like an old Bint, they smashed the ac -tee -vee -tee as it didn't resemble an Only Fans tape, it was #lubbilyjubbily.
The camera crew and I ran over to Reality Retread Sierah to watch her be the ‘ sexy one’ on the show. Yup, teetering with nip exposure, Sierah told a chocolate starfish puckered up Billy Reindeer "go to your room. There’s only 2 rules, it's all about me and you can't wear clothes" #undiesarefine.
Billy had images of having her pinkies stuck up his bot bot until the sun came up and #mumwouldnotapprove.
Walking out, he discovered a strategically positioned #forthecamera Sierah and received orders for a massage. Yup. Billy, carefully sidestepped the crew, splashed oil everywhere and gave her a footy player rub down. Oh Baby Reindeer, what are you doing mate? #sentfrommyiphone Sierah was not happy with Billy "he didn't get the point" but don’t stress Chicka, the audition tape was before the massage so #youreallgood
And last, and haplessly the least, was I Complete Me Jacqui's Ultimate Fantasy Night. Yup. Jacqui took Jacqui with a Peen Ryan to a 'private lingerie' store to drink champers and wonder around the shop awkwardly looking at whips and dildos "Yeah, let's get down and dirty! Look, weapons of mass destruction” Ryan muttered #foofadestrcutionmate
Jacqui whispered to us "I need Ryan to admire me" before toasting the champers "here's to you making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world" And Jacqui , i don’t recall hearing your name in that country song #didyouhappentoseethemostbeuatifulgirlintheworld
Poor old mute Ryan, who clearly hasn't read 2000 books to help his vocab, simply looked at Jaqui in her undies "ooooohhhhh shit. Hmmm that's hot. Oooooh, shit yeah" Yup, the awks guy sounded like a teenage boy watching porn for the first time #yeahbabyoooooh.
It got worse "ooooh you're a snack nom nom nom" and honestly, I don't think i'll eat for a week as secondhand embarrassment makes me nauseous. Jacqui persisted and FFS Jacqui, you're so good at giving compliments to yourself, just do that and calm the fark down #andreadabook
The weirdness continued back at the apartment with them in their undies only photo shoot. Here's their convo, although i can't remember it clearly as i'd pretty much given up on life by this point
JACQUI: I need to feel desired, Tell me you want me! Tell me I have nice hair
RYAN: Ummm… I love your hair. You value your health. You're healthy. Ummmmm I know! You're a healthy snack nom nom nom look, no calories!
JACQUI: Remember the Photo Wall of Farkery? Tell me i'm pretty
RYAN: I was told to be honest! You can't handle the truth. I'm real! I'm interested in values!
JACQUI: Fck values, lie to me.
RYAN: No! I have values, I'm organic
JAQUI: Just tell me i'm the most beautiful woman and should have won the NZ Miss Yacht contest
RYAN: So you weren't Miss New Zealand?
JACQUI: WHAT? Just say i'm gorgeous!
RYAN: No, 'cause that would be a lie.
Holy shitballs Ryan
and that was all she wrote.
Fi xx
#intimacyforamateurs