Episode 7
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Well watch me rate your mates and put you on the lowest step on the podium. Yup, good times. Here's the Update for Trash Bags, ep 7 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
It's Moving In Day to kick off Confession Week, or as I like to call it "the stuff in between the Couch of Farkery and the Dinner Party' to pad it out for another two nights. Again, yup.
Our couples all moved into a nice looking sponsored apartment building that will have us seeing the same freaking marketing shots for the rest of the season. The mob dutifully went ‘ooooh’ and 'aahhhhhh’ over the coffee machines and colour schemes and I tell ya, #contradoescomeatacost.
We witnessed some enthralling TV straight off the bat with Garfield PJ's Jake in the fishing vest that 'brings the ladies' #justanibble and the "Appreciation Jar" from YO Adrian. Yup, YO Adrian tried to upstage the Experts by giving Awhina Warrior Twincess and himself the thoughtful task of writing appreciation notes each day. #yoadriantheexpert
Surprisingly, I Complete Me Jacqui was being a bit of a punish #iforonewasshocked about Jacqui With A Peen Ryan having his shoes on the couch....and on the bed...and having a TV in their room. Yup, Jacqui did that weird tearless cry ABOUT THE TV in the bedroom 'cause “People dumb their brains watching TV" and YES WE DO #especiallyrighttfnow Come on people, Jacqui's advice and tips only come "from a place of love" so let's all put our TV's out tonight #TVsoutforjacqui.
Down the hall in her bedsit, Katie was hopeful of working things out with Deeply Discounted Tim. Come on Katie, enough already. After learning DDT Tim had gone home to Melbourne #suckedinmelbourne she finally understood "what a selfish prick" he was #andagangrenoustoo
CONFESSION WEEK
The Experts tried to convince us of the importance of Confession Week as a "way to open people up and bring them together yada yada" hahaha, hush now please, we're not #fcknidiots.
The Gnarly Rank Your Mates Photo Challenge is one of the most ridiculous things about MAFS. I tried this just last week with the hubster's mates and he was completely unimpressed....far out hubster, you still made the podium, be happy. Just jokes of course, but it's a stupid fckg task.
Moving on to the actual stupidity, Love At Second Sight Carina and Casper the French Ghost Casper Paul, and Awhina Warrior Twincess and Yo Adrian all worked out that first place is THE ONLY place to put your partner. Or, you know, you could just refuse to do it like that other eeejiot Tim did last year #likeachamp
Then we get to watch Jacqui With A Peen Ryan and I Complete Me Jacqui's turn at the wall. Ryan decided "just being honest" was the way to go and put Jacqui in place 2.5 #twoandahalfjacqui The big aspirin #slowworkingdope continued his no sex for you anytime soon journey by admitting she only JUST missed out on being equal 3rd as he's "not keen on tall women" So she moved up a half spot. You freaking numpty heightist (Is that even a word?) #isnow Jacqui did that weird no tears cry on camera again and called him a "low effort man" which wasn't a bad insult really.
Hmmmm, what else did we learn tonight? Oh yeah, exciting stuff like Old mate Greg Evans Tony snores like a bear in the woods at night #atleasthedidntsht AND when DJ Morena is talking non-stop. Ouch Tony. Ummm what else.. Baby Reindeer Billy is scared shitless of birds, as in birds with feathers #bokbokhater .
Speaking of the bok bok hater Baby Reindeer Billy, he did a confessional letter about his dad to explain his fear of rejection. It was #emo #chanel for him so Reality Retread Sierah ran down the hall and took off her budgerigar outfit out of respect for the moment #BOOimabird
Running down the hall, a producer gave Katie a VHS of Tim's audition tape just to see if he has always been a dckhead aaaaaand yup, he has.
That same producer threw Awhina Warrior Twincess Yo Adrian's tape where he emphatically stated he wanted kids "of course! I’m ready Now! I have a dog!" Uh oh, Awhina wasn’t happy so we went through the whole kid argument again. YOU BOTH LITERALLY JUST MET, GIVE IT ANOTHER WEEK OR TWO! At least the guy is being honest and said he was "open to it" I mean, at least I think that's what he said
Dance Teacher Ashleigh and my new fave, Twenty To Life Jamie, went down to Katie's place to poke needles into a voodoo doll that looked suspiciously like Tim, or maybe it was a Ninja Turtle, I'm not sure. Singing "kumbaya mthrfckr" in unison as the needles went in the doll was a really lovely friendship moment. Katie felt better and told us there was "no knocking me down mothrfucker" before breaking into Helen Reddy's I Am Woman ##iamstrongiaminvincibleiamwoman
Then we finished the show with the limp padding out of the Ex Files. Yup, it's a task that....ummmmm....yeah, never mind, I can't be arsed explaining it. I'll just tell you what I found out: Casper the Friendly Ghoster Paul loves "spontaneous" shagging, Sierah now “trusts her gut” after being taken for a ride by an international sports dude. Apparently he shouldn't have been riding away from home AS HE WAS FCKG MARRIED WITH A KID.
And then we get to I Complete Me Jacqui’s revenge plan. Yup, the Jacmeister was out for revenge after Ryan placed her on that weird second and a half step on the podium for the Photo Wall of Farkery. When asked to describe her ex, she told Ryan he was "6 foot 4, with blonde hair and a God like body...I'm just being honest....and i would have married him if he'd asked" and Ryan was pisssssed telling us "it just lacks class....she has some growing to do...not considering my feelings"
Far out, for a philosopher/poet/warrior/knight, you really can be a bit of a dumb arse can't you mate? And Jacqui, that whole "I just wanted to piss him off" at the end with a smile made you a bit of a dumb arse too. #midthepairofyou
Yawn.
And that was all she wrote
Fi xx