Episode 6
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
I tell ya, there was some splashin', some pashin', some dashin' and a whole lot of gassin'....lighten (try saying it with a Swedish accent, it sounds better) #sozbesticoulddo Welcome to the Update for Trash Bags, ep 6 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Now before we get amongst it, I thought I'd do a nickname summary of who is with who in the zoo so we're all on the same page. Yup, my fckn page. Here they are:
- Deidre Chalmers Jeff is with What a Coincidence Rhi
- Reality Retread Sierah is with Baby Reindeer Billy
- Garfield Jake is with Dance for Me Ashleigh
- Awhina Warrior Twincess is with YO! Adrian
- Deeply Discounted Tool Tim is with Protect Her at All Costs KAtie
- Wannabe 50's Housewife Lauren is/was with One L Eliot
- Jacqui With a Peen Ryan is with I Complete Me Jacqui
- DJ Morena is with Greg Evans Tony
- The BFG Dave is with Twenty to Life Jamie
- Love at Second Sight Carina is with Casper the FrenchGhoster Paul
Far out, now that I look at it, these names are a bit ridiculous, now on to my War and Peace #youdontfollowmeformylooks
The intro showed some splashin' and pashin' by our team of competitive couples. This mob seem to be compreting to be the Ultimate Ninja Warrior MAFS Most Loved Up Couple. Yup, I'm pretty sure they think there's a plaque and a $500 injectable voucher up for grabs #ithinksomeonestoleitthoughalready
And now we get to the DASHIN' part and when I say dashin' I don't mean some spunky dude is dashing. No Sirree Bob, I mean ol mate One L Elliot and his dashin', as in dashing out the door. #boomtish
Oh never mind.
Anywho, One L has done the 'highly unusual' thing and requested a sit down with Expert John. Yup, One L wants to ensure he didn’t look too prattish from his walk out after his order for a young librarian style breeder wife (who could run across a tennis court without puffing) was cancelled and replaced with Wannabe 50's Housewife Lauren #nobreederforyou
I shit you not. Well, actually, I shit you a bit. Expert John was all experty and gave it to One L "How's that going for you ya dckhead? You're in a toxic pattern (insert more of Expert John being even more Experty) and One L looked on nodding in agreement. Hahaha, no. You see One L stopped at the shops for a psych degree and knew better "I disagree with everything you said" aaaaaaand left. Again. Hooroo #offyatrot
We caught up with the folks getting ready and I Complete Me Jacqui was happy with Jacqui With a Peen Ryan 'cause he'd trimmed his facial hair and Lauren was convinced "no one’s relationship could be worse than mine” #holdthatthought
Protect Her At All Costs Katie had no clue where Deeply Discounted Tool Tim was and then he appeared on screen. Far out. Tim was cray cray enough to deadpan the hidden producer "yeah, Katie hasn't reached out to me to see if I'm ok" Ummmm, what? Put your beanie back on you freakin' bubble burster.
For a bit of light relief we jumped in the limo with Twenty to Life Jamie who was excited about the word "cocktail” as it was her “ type of party" The BFG Dave piped in "anything with the word cock in it is your type of party" #cockatoo
THE COCKTAIL PARTY - The Gassin' Lighten
The Experts sat in the Voyuers Room of Farkery to watch a few of the girls with their #boobies and husbands bounce in with their eyes on the prize "ooooh, we're so happy yada yada" They were quickly silenced when Protect Her At All Costs Katie walked in alone. After hearing about Tim's reaction to Katie ***”I ordered a skinny, short, hot chick who I'd even let be funny”*** (not an exact quote) Twenty To Life Jamie, Carina and Jacqui crowded around to offer support and Katie whispered to us "I'm still hopeful and can everyone be kind to Tim"
WHAT. THE. ACTUAL FCK KATIE? She went on "I don't want him bitten or attacked" Oh Katie, just keep that to yourself and would ya love?
Then Tim, sans his gangrenous peen green beanie swanned in ignoring Katie while his voiceover said "I'm hoping she can handle this in a MORE mature way" I CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS GUY. He greeted da boys while Katie stood with an unsure smile on her face. Jamie sat in the background sharpening her teeth #inpreparation as Tim went to the bar. Katie dutifully went over to "check if he was ok" AND WHAT IS HAPPENING? Tim was Tim: "yeah, I still think you're a great person....I'm glad you got up and came over. You've gone up in my book"
Holy shitballs, I wanted to bitchslap the TV while this dangerous little fckr continued on with his step by step guide on how to gaslight women. Far out, a couple of the mob had a half arsed crack at Tim but he 'deflected" everything off like a ninja turtle on meth. Yup, I know he reminded me of something.
Over in the Voyuers Room of Farkery the Experts were shocked, shocked I tell ya, that both Diedre Chambers Jeff and What a Coincidence Rhi knew each other before the 'experiment' "WOW....***looks down to read the line*** how bizarre...this inconceivable" #princessbride all with a straight face.
Nek minute, Wannabe 50's Housewife Lauren walked in by herself and shock and awe filtered through the room "ooooh, will One L show?" Nah, 'cause apparently "Eliot had bad BO". Lauren, you naughty little minx dropping that line. I laughed and wondered whether I'd see Eliot on the next Rexona commercial #onelthestinker
And then I heard the clink of the glass "the Dinner is Served" WHAT? Where is my visa holding waiter with an accent? I NEED to hear "And zeeeeeee ddinnnnner is sssevvvereddd." I'm bummed. Or maybe it WAS him and he'd had some speech lessons from Yo Adrian. Ho hum the things I ponder over.
THE DINNER PARTY ***or as I like to call it "Dinner by Gaslight"
The Experts learned of the other bizarre coincidence of Married at Second Sight Carina and Casper the friendly French Ghoster Paul knowing each other prior "oh, what are the odds?" Yeah, in 10,0000 applicants, what ARE the odds? #prettyfckntinyjustsayin
After a few sherbies, Billy asked Lauren about One L leaving and Deeply Discounted shook his head in kinship with a few "tsk tsk tsk's" of his own. “You should feel better" he said to Katie and dude, I will fckn bite you myself. What now? Then the pack turned their attention on Tim. Here's their convo as I recall it #yourhonour
DAVE: Is it fair to say you're giving it a crack Tim?
TIM: Yup, I would never have left Katie. WOW, this wine is yummy...it comes fro-
ADRIAN: Yo, are you still open to trying?
TIM: yeah, from Mudgee. They grow nice grapes
ASHLEIGH: DEFLECTOR!!! ***the sound of Jamie filing her nails***
TIM: I've been making an effort....anyway, did you know the grapes in-
JAMIE: hiss boo hiss booooo why won't it work?
TIM: these lampshades are extraordinary
ME: hisss booo hisss booo
KATIE You have a type didn't you? ***smiling sweetly***
TIM: Fckg great lampshades.
Tim was pissed at Katie. Yup HE was pissed as Katie "didn't have my back" and that's when he gave us a true course in gaslighting "Katie, you betrayed my trust. I'm so disappointed. I opened up to you and you didn't want to get to know me. AND KATIE FKG RESPONDED "maybe not, I apologise" He wasn't done with Katie "you only know the surface. You are who you are, because you've been by yourself for many years...that's a lot" Oh you absolute toxic tool.
It was then Expert John ran in to save the day…just kidding, he was out for a wee and missed the whole thing. Not to worry, Twenty to Life Jamie was having none of it "She's starting to think it's her? He's flipped the whole thing! He's dimming her shine!" and attempted to speak to Tim. Tim just Ninja turtled himself out of that confrontation again AND STOP GIVING THIS MUPPET AIRTIME! WHEN WILL THEY ACTUALLY KICK SOMEONE OFF THIS SHOW?
We dash around the room for a bit of a Deeply Discounted Tool breather and hear Jacqui With A Peen Ryan call I Complete Me Jacqui a "spider monkey" as she “clings to him in bed” and #ewwwwwwww Billy explained his pink matching jacket was a "I shagged her jacket" and again, ewwww while Lauren did the "Yeah, cheers guys, thanks for your support" just in case it's her last night.
And then we circled back around to TIM for a dramatic conclusion to the first Dinner Party.
Carina tried to prod Tim into some truth telling but he was having none of it “nah, how was YOUR honeymoon?" And his random repsonses to deflect were hilariously ridiculous. "Wow, Mudgee really does make great wine!/ How was your wedding?/ And yours?/ Yours?/ Vanuatu?/ those lampshades are lubbily" Ummmmm Tim, you know there's actual microphones and cameras in the room yeah? You absolute drawstring on a smelly yobbo's pair of stubbies #idontevenknowwhatthatmeansbutwhatevs.
And just when I thought a new heroine wasn't needed this season, Twenty to Life Jamie stood up clearly contemplating if hurting Tim was worth getting #twentytolife "I just can't! if you heard what i heard on that end of the table! Fckg bullshit - I can't die on this hill charging this mother fckr all night, someone's gotta back me. #imwithyouchicka.
Ahhhh Jamie, the Greek as Fck chick I didn't know I needed in my life.
Deeply Discounted Tool Tim turned his Ninja turtle shell to Jamie before standing up muttering "Fck I'm sick of this shit" and stormed out to DJ Morena's amusing "Don't go, you haven't asked me about how MY wedding was" Way to go DJ Morena, that was pretty funny.
Yup, Tim has had all the airtime tonight and I don't think he's overly happy with how it panned out. I believe old Tool Man thought he'd be cast as that 'funny cuddly guy' who’d get a one off shag from his skinny bim reality wife. Awwww, Australia would feel sorry for him and he'd end up being a media commentator.
It could have happened…but not on our watch buddy
And that, my friends, is all she wote #thankgod
Toodle Pips!
Fi xx