Episode 39
TOOT TOOT MUDAPLUCKERS!
What in all actual gob-stopping farkery of a dinner party was that? Here's the update for Trash Bags ep 39 on the second last Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Just a heads up - if you were born after 1980, you probably won't get a single naff reference in this recap.
Ya see, I wrote a post about being a Gen Xer, and you guys came through with so many sayings from my childhood that I had to use some. Let me know how many you spot.
Oh yeah, and most of the quotes from the Calamity of Douche Canoes are not exact quotes; it's just as I recall or I made them up. They're kinda close-ish though #whatevsyamoles.
We opened the show to the self-confessed Ferrari, Upper Case Clint, giving I Complete Me Jacqui a massive pash just as No Longer Jacqui with a Peen Ryan's voiceover came on: "She's a horrible scrubber."
We panned back to Jacqui playing tonsil hockey with Clint just to gross us out again #ugggh.
Look, we get it Clint, you're happy having multiple girlfriends in one #Sybil, but enough get off my screen.
Reality Retread Sierah was coming in frothing: "Yeah, Warrior Twincess Awhina is a scrag and I have heaps to say, so game on mole! She told me Yo was stupid and he still doesn't have a pen license! His business is shit and he's not smart enough to run it! I'm dibber dobbin! They can all get fckd!! All I did was share a plate of meat with Yo! It's not like it was Red Rooter!"
What a Coincidence Rhi and Deidre Chambers Jeff were still going steady, so we ran down to watch the compulsory slow-mo of Baby Reindeer Billy and One L Eliot putting their shirts on #hohumandanenglishbum.
Anywho, Protect Her at All Costs Katie was feeling "fine and fabulous and worthy of love" after being treated like crap by Deeply Discounted Tool Tim, and Twenty to Life Jamie broke up with Dave 2.0 after he forgot to show up again off camera.
Carina was struggling with "detaching from Paul," who was across town absolutely fckg seething. Yup, seething 'cause you know, that's what blokes like him do. They flip their shit and attack like a weak-as-piss shark in Jaws.
"Carina is a BIG SNOB! There is no hope for me and Carina" #wasthereever
Back from a visit to an adult shop, where Awhina Warrior Twincess had finally replaced her incoherent vibrator Yo Adrian with one that doesn't care for photo shoots, she realised she didn't need him anymore.
Yup, Awhina has a new mantra about Yo: "He made me feel LESS THAN," and she's going to let him know.
Meanwhile, Yo, completely unaware how easily replaced he was by four bunny rabbit drumming Duracel batteries, still thought he was ‘more than’: "There's no hard feelings, she still cares for me."
Then we got to sit through Jacqui sucking face with Clint AGAIN, who smirked while shifting his hair back into place: "We've been in touch...and we've touched each other. Everywhere you can imagine." Eeeewwwwww
Man, I literally did a little vom like I'd had 6 West Coast Coolers at a Blue Light Disco before mumbling at the screen, "Alright Clintus Interruptus, that'll be enough from you."
The Experts were tweaking their nips in excitement about watching from the Voyeurs Room of Farkery and leaned forward on their pervy TV to watch the mob meander in.
Deidre Chambers Jeff arrived with his new boy band haircut and What a Coincidence Rhi, followed quickly by Awhina yelling, "YO MADE ME FEEL LESS THAN! SIERAH the slag was trying to catch up with Yo AND she sent horrible texts calling me an Uppercase CLINT!" Yowzers.
Billy added, "And she said stuff about your hair!!" OK, Billy, I'm almost positive Awhina left that tidbit out on purpose, but thanks for sharing.
The rest of the mob trickled in, and some with more ummmm….panache than others, like fellow Wollongong lad Greg Evans Tony who was making a comeback as the new host of Perfect Match #dexterwherewereyou.
Awhina randomly yelled, "YO MADE ME FEEL LESS THAN!" and Awhina, I said love, I said pet, I said Darl #weheardyouweaintgotdementia.
Speaking of all things forgettable, Paul arrived all, "Oooooh what's going on here?" confident before telling One L Eliot, "Yeah, I reflected, and Carina and I are not compatible." No shit, Sherlock. Hush now, the adults are talking.
Sierah, still mumbling about Awhina being a mole, swooped in the room on her trusty broom and parked it next to Yo. And I tell ya, even Expert John's little chocolate starfish puckered, "Ooooh, she looks scary" #broomhilda.
Awhina marched over like she was on her rags (sorry, I HATE that saying but promised I'd use it) to ask Sierah why she had tried to catch up with YO #oopsadaisy.
Jamie yelled out, "Because you were trying to shag her husband, ya slapper!" Sierah wasn't happy and dropped her ‘Awhina can get fckd’ bomb: "Awhina told me Yo Adrian couldn't spell, couldn't read, he's not smart enough to run a business, AND he treated her horribly."
Awhina confessed she'd said "some of it but not all of it!" and Yo was all, "segfhjiwsg sghksag;nklj svnkr."
And look, while I.... oh, hang on a tick, Ryan walked in, "Damn it's good to be back! I have good posture, confidence, and I'm lookin' good and feeling great!"
Maaaaate, you know we don't say that shit out loud yeah?
Everyone gossiped about the true rumour of Jacqui and Upper Case and Ryan was stoked: "Hahaha if they lied to me there's gonna be an earthquake" #ifeeltheearthmoveundermyfeet.
He added, "She asked how I'd feel if she dated a 43 or 44 year old and Clint is 44!" Da da daaaaaaa.
Jamie ran outside: "You gotta love Jacqui, she's ICONIC! How can you not be a fan? You appreciate her like a work of art. Imagine you're in the SIXTEEN chapel or something! Just appreciate it! ICONIC ICONIC ICONIC!" #noitsmoronic.
Ummmmm Jamie, love your work Darl, but it's not the SIXTEENTH Chapel - or even the fckg seventeenth chapel... it's the SISTINE CHAPEL ya freaking muppet dadadadadadadadadaddadadadaddaaaaaaaaa
Outside the #moronicnoticonic Jacqui touched up her pash rash from Uppercase and laughed, "Love conquers all! We'll even be at each other's funerals! Hahahah" You can’t be ffs.
They walked in separately for dramatic effect and Ryan went straight up to Clint: "I didn't believe you were with Jacqui as we were mates!"
And Clint yelled, "It's de plane! It's de plane." #justjokes, but his hair reminded me of Tattoo, soooooo anywho, moving slowly along, I Complete Me Jacqui walked in and JUST as they were about to be grilled, my ol' mate, the visa waving waiter walked in: "ZEEEEEE DINNNNNNNEEEEEEER IIIIS SEEEERRRRRVEEEEED!" #hoorooforanotheryearbuddy.
DINNER PARTY aka DON'T YOU EVER LET A CHANCE GO BY
Darling Teejay launched a grenade straight into the Jacqui and Upper Case CLINT show as soon as they sat down by asking if they were a couple. Clint was smug af: "WE ARE!"
Yup, these two apparently connected "two weeks after Final Vows," with Clint inviting Jacqui down to show him her map o' Tassie. Yup, everyone laughed and Ryan was stoked: "LIAR! Jacqui, you told me you loved and respected me 2 days before Final Vows! VALIDATION FCKRS!"
Jacqui ran outside to the waiting cameraman to say Ryan was jealous before running back inside to yell at Ryan across the table: "I TRIED MY ARSE OFF! MY LITERAL ARSE TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK! I DID! I DID! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU! I’M SO FED UP! I LITERALLY TRIED SO HARD!"
Yes Jacqui, you tried so hard to stay on the show so #propstoyou, but you're a pretty lame-arsed icon there Chicka.
Ryan called her a "manipulative person! There's always an agenda with you! You're a pathological liar!" and mate, if I keep nodding like this I'm going to need a freaking chiropractor.
Blah blah, Jacqui's apparently moving to Tassie with Clint #wackyjacquitakesontassie as Uppercase lives in a "nice place! And he's made space for me. We have a walk-in robe, my own shower and his and hers vanities! I have a house key and there's a tennis court and bar and we're starting a business! That's my love language."
Yes Jacqui, I can see the cashola amount of your love right there #iaintsayinshesagolddigger.
Ryan told the pair to "piss off back to Tassie," and CLINT, never having me but IF he did he would have lost me piped in: "Mate, you live in the Western suburbs. Let's not talk anymore." #pipedownchachi
Yup. The knob continued to us: "If you want to flex, I'll send you some pictures. 'Cause I'm not in the Western suburbs in a one-bedroom shit house. Jacqui's gone from a Datsun 180B to a Ferrari."
Yup, Clint just shat on the entire Western suburbs of Sydney.
Now Clint, just throwing a couple of things out there: 1. Ryan doesn't live in a share house rental in Manly like Jacqui; he owns his fckn house. And 2. What's it like being a fck knuckle on national telly, ya judgie foofa? That is all.
We did a quick cheers to Rhi and Jeff for going steady, but as we all know, the happier and more fckng normal you are, #noairtimeforyou.
Jamie was pensive as Dave banged on about not "showing up for her/we created something super special blah blah" Yawn.
Cutting Dave's 'I'm a nice guy really folks' moment off, Jamie said, "Can we not give a bullshit excuse? You didn't show up for me... I put a breakup in front of you and you were silent. When were you going to tell me? When we had kids?"
Before becoming emotional and going outside to sing Kumbaya Motherfckrs in a friendship circle with the girls. Yup, every chick went outside and agreed how sht the boys had been #thatswhatfriendsarefor.
Back inside, Paul told the table, "I was willing to continue, but Carina was struggling to move past my mistake! SHE made mistakes as well! I took accountability! She's judgmental and a SNOB! Maybe we weren't as compatible as I thought!"
Expert John nailed it: "This doesn't sit right; he's cherry-picking and rewriting history. He is picking moments so that it works: 'I'm the guy that's desirable and you've got your flaws.'"
Exacta Mundo there, Johnny boy.
I mean seriously, WTAF PAUL? This is a guy that punched a door, betrayed his wife's trust by running her over repeatedly in his Wellness Centre bus all before going on a date with another woman.
What did Carina do aside from slowly enunciating her way through the show? Rack off mate.
OK dear readers, I'd like to officially announce the winner of this year's Dickhead Mountain Challenge. After a much-contested battle, please tip your hat for Paul, our new Dckhead Mountain Champion of the World! #winnerwinnercharcoalchickendinner.
Yo Adrian and Awhina started their little back and forth, so Sierah took her moment to shine rather dimly and walked out ranting, "I'm going to leave. These people are like rabid hyenas frothing at the mouth. I don't actually care, and I don't need to be friends with them."
Okie dokie. Honestly, not one single person noticed she'd forgotten her broom. #broombroombroom.
And to finish off the night, here's Yo and Awhina's Barney Rubble #asirecall.
AWHINA: I learned what I didn't want in a partner.
YO: What else did you say to Sierah?
Awhina: Ummmmmm.
YO: You said I was an idiot, the business will never be successful, and I can't spell for shit! DO YOU DENY IT?
AWHINA: Ummmm not ALL of it.
YO: WHAT ELSE DID YOU SAY?
AWHINA: You hurt me.
ME: Chanting fight! fight! Fight!
YO: You're dropped!
AWHINA: I'm glad I have spare Duracell batteries!
Yo, who has indeed been a shit throughout the whole experiment, went outside: "The most disrespectful thing you can say to someone is to call them stupid. I've had that my entire life. It's as low as it gets."
And while I've made jokes about Awhina's ex incoherent vibrator, I agreed with him, Awhina came across as pretty fckn crap for the camera time tonight. Sure, call him a dckhead for the way he's treated you, but the other stuff, not cool Chicka #nofonzienodtoyou.
Awhina had the last word about her former #nobatteriesrequired ex: "I can be the bad guy in his story, 'cause he's been the fcking Devil in mine." #everysingleoneofusthedevilinside.
Well, that was fckng exhausting.
And yes, I know the Gen X stuff was pretty gnarly and a smidge naff, but I had fun. And yes, I know Kylie Mole would have a field day with me #shegoesshegoesshegoes
On and on and fck' on.
And that's all she wrote. **EDIT** Clint and Jacqui got engaged tonight. Woman’s Day sponsored wedding coming soon
Toodlepips!
Fi xx