Episode 38

TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!

All aboard for our ride to Thank Fark it's Nearly Over Town. Tonight's train will stop at three stations: Dumpsville - population 1, Love Town - population 2, and last and always the least, I Wanna be Relevant and Iconic Town - Population 0. Yup. Here's the Upstate for Trash Bags, ep 38 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia

We open up to conclude the cliffhanger of last night's show; Paul and Carina's Final Vows.

Paul stood waiting for Carina and was "very confident that she'll be able to forgive me and move forward" while Carina's thought bubbles gave the game away: "I think the decision I have made is the right tone for myself and my future." Ohhhhhh, I don't think this will end well there, Pauly Boy. Maybe get some Vicks ready for your eyes so you won’t have to squint in a #jacquicry.

OKAY, so I'm just going to list out the things that pissed me off with Paul's vows: while he started off all fluffy "my feelings were strong - stronger than I ever anticipated," he then blundered into "I had a fear of being hurt - then came our first challenge...in a moment when I felt disrespected I made a terrible mistake." Yup, that blame really is a pain in the arse to shift, hey? #sozbutyoumademedoit.

Then he swiftly changed into his bus driver's uniform: "I was simply trying to communicate honestly but it upset you...still you listened. Then you apologised and we moved forward." 'YOU apologised? #imsorryformakingyourunmeover.

Then Paul's explanation of the date: "It was a foolish decision to go BUT it showed me I had already found what I was looking for." Ho hum and a Frenchy bum. Then he spoke in French, and with my basic knowledge of the language, I believe he called her a chocolate Eiffel Tower and something about giving her his loyalty. And I tell ya, the entire time he was speaking, Carina looked at him like he was a fly in a dog's dinner. "Oh, that's sweet". Shoo fly

Paul took a deep breath and waited for Carina to declare her Christian forgiveness and undying love....and he waited.

Carina listed the amount of times Paul's worn his bus driver's outfit and how being "a Christian has taught me to forgive." Oh sweet baby cheeses, wtf is she doing? After a dramatic pause, she continued, "however...I vowed to myself my life partner would be a man I completely trust and didn't drive a bus as his second job. I was yours! You had me and you ruined it. You'll have to live with that for the rest of your life," before breaking into "I Am Woman" by the fabulous Helen Reddy.

Paul leaned down, grabbed the VICKS, and rubbed it straight into his eyes to induce some actual fckg tears. Yup, Jac Jac Jacqui is an amateur compared to Paul. He stood there and #vickscried while Carina stood 2 metres away, wondering if a fly could really carry a pellet of dog food away, and it was awkward AF. Paul managed a "I seriously thought you'd be able to move past this one!" THIS ONE? Far out mate, I think you've taken out the top spot on the podium on Dckhead Mountain #winnerwinnerchickendinner.

And thinking of the fly in the dog's bowl, Carina responded, "I thought you would know...this doesn't fly with me" *sorry, I know that was lame*. Carina walked off with an emphatic "NO" about forgiving him in the future, and Paul did a lady squat behind a bush in shock. Yup, shocked that Carina hadn't tried "a little harder to move past it." Oh mate, get out of the bush and go home #offyoufck

FINAL VOWS FOR DEIDRE CHAMBERS JEFF AND WHAT A COINCIDENCE RHI

Down in Melbourne, the only real success story of the year was waiting for their chance to shine in their Final Vows. Yup, Deidre Chambers Jeff and What a Coincidence Rhi were singing the praises of the 'experiment.' Yup, it works, and I can think of ummmmmm....oooh at least ummmmmm....one couple that can verify this #afterthieroneyearcontractisup.

And look, I do love these two; they're funny, sweet, kind, caring, and have had each other's back the whole time. I'd love to take you through their glorious and heartfelt vows, the lovely flashbacks of their journey to happiness, their cutie patootie hugs and kisses... but we all know; being normal gives you fck all airtime. #orfitime #sozloveyouboth.

I COMPLETE ME JACQUI AND NO LONGER JACQUI WITH A PEEN RYAN

Before I take you to the vows that Jacqui was so desperate to make "iconic," let me run you through the lead up. We catch up with them in their apartment with matching outfits on, having a cuddle. Yup, all angry thoughts of Rory were gone, and the United Colors of Benetton splashed with a mix of Pro Hart were the flavour of the day. #oohmrhart

Going through their selfie shrine, Jacqui told us, "I love Ryan. Like, I do! I don't feel guilt for hurting him anymore." Hugging and kissing Ryan as they watched their wedding video (to lull him into a "You complete me" moment), Jacqui secretly flipped her Sybil switch when it hit her "deep and harsh" that Ryan "doesn't know how to lead". Aaaaaand there she is

They separated, and Jacqui went to unpack into empty cupboards at 'home' as Ryan went to his sanctuary #thatheownswelldonetiger. Ryan sang that song "Something's Missing In My Life...maybe it's Syyyybil" and was emotional about feeling accepted by Jacqui. He played with Freya, his sword, and his empty vision board #patentpendingforTShirts. Yup, Ryan was emotional as Jacqui, devoid of emotion, plotted his demise at their vows. #hohum.

Jacqui muttered she'd "put so much time and effort into this man...and he basically shat on my work and effort! I'M OUT!" Putting pen to paper for her vows, she was thinking VERY carefully about what to say: "I want them to hit home - I don't want to summarise as he won't understand. I have some ICONIC lines that are very funny! I'm very proud of them."

And THIS, dear readers, is what Jacqui had been after the entire time. An ICONIC moment at the end of MAFS #andshewillgetonefromRyan.

Ryan went to see his mates Adam and Karla, who reassured him that Jacqui needed to be kicked to the corner. Adam explained, "He should bail and cut ties completely. He's sweet and genuine and she's not...I think the juice ain't worth the squeeze" #unlessitsalemon. This right here is why we have friends like these two and not #muteones like Jacqui has #sorrynotsorry.

Ryan stopped singing and started remembering things like the #jacquicry, the judgement, the craziness, the betrayal, the letter #andonandonitgoes.

THE FINAL VOWS FOR I COMPLETE ME JACQUI AND NO LONGER JACQUI WITH A PEEN

Jacqui arrived, hugged Ryan, and looked over his shoulder to ensure the cameraman was in the right position to get her #iconicmoments. Encouraged by the positioning, she waited for Ryan to speak.

"We were wild and weird as hell. I first thought you were a high maintenance nightmare. You couldn't cook and would get hysterical when the couch was in the wrong position and the feet on the bed. I like your gorgeous hair ***laughed and touched it***. I like our sexy time" ***laughs again*** and then ran us through some of the fckd up things like the letter and the Rory #phonenumberscandalof2025. He finished off with "I will be walking away from this relationship. Sorry for that and for calling you crazy eyes ***whispers to us - but not for saying about the BJS***" before laughing again. OK then, pretty awkward buddy, but good for you.

Jacqui's vows were more to the point - what point I don't know #nopoint. I wrote down the things that Jacqui THOUGHT might have come off as iconic. #hahahahah. I'll give them a crack #asirecall:

ICONIC JACQUI NUMBER ONE: I tried everything! I left no stone unturned but 'don't mistake my meekness for weakness.'

ICONIC JACQUI NUMBER TWO: Your conduct was well below my standard! If this has taught me anything, it's that you shouldn't try and fix your husband...he needs to do the work on his own! I'm not a 'rehabilitation centre.'

ICONIC JACQUI NUMBER THREE: It's not me. Your pride is the problem. ***Ryan - I'm the problem?*** IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S YOUR PRIDE.

ICONIC JACQUI NUMBER FOUR: I don't want to be the wife to a man, I want to be the wife to a husband.#what

ICONIC JACQUI NUMBER FIVE: Ryan, in a world of red flags, you ARE the red carpet. #imaginarymicdrop

ICONIC JACQUI NUMBER SIX: While I love your big biceps picking me up and throwing me in the pool, they'll never be the reason I get pregnant! GOODBYE.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph Jacqui, arms don't get you pregnant #peensdo. THIS is what you were excited about? Hahahahah, even the kookaburra in the tree giggled his arse off while you were being, ummmmm, #moronicnoticonic.

Ryan had the last laugh with a comment that will piss Jacqui off no end. It was not only off the cuff, but it was more iconic than anything she'd said: "Be GONE WITH YOU, YOU HORRIBLE WOMAN! What a fckn shambles. That was utterly disgusting ***muttering*** she's so full of shit - she's calling me the red carpet...who the fck do you think you are? I feel good! I'm a gladiator at the end of his career! #theyareusuallydeadthenbutwhatevs.

And to finish the show, we catch a glimpse of Uppercase CLINT as he drove his wanky car on his way to....oh look, I don't know, but I'm guessing he'll stop off and pick up Jacqui from I Want to be Relevant and Iconic town.

And by the way: my mate Scott Taylor predicted EXACTLY what Jacqui would say! Even the iconic’ but hahahaha ace work mate

And that was all she wrote.

Toodlepips!

Fi xx

#recap #mafsau #mafs #funkytown