Episode 40
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
The Trash Train conked out at Unsatisfied Station tonight, Dear Readers. Yup, if you’re looking for answers from those WTAF? moments or a healthy dose of accountability from guilty fckrs, maybe scroll on by as there was sweet FA tonight. Here’s the update for Trash Bags for the last time this year on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Expert John welcomed everyone back to the Couch of Farkery as we watched a montage of our calamity of douche canoes on their 'journey to finding love.' Awwwwwwwwwww, they all looked so sweet and ummmmm... gosh, what's that word? Genuine? Hahahahah.
Who knew this season would turn me into a raging alcoholic with a piss poor attitude and a dog who smoke bombs the house with his farts of contempt? Yep, my family disowns me every MAFS night, but Normie the Wonder Woofer is loyal #andfarty.
We reminisced through the highlights of 50's Housewife Lauren's sister Tamara - before she got on the cans and became a pescetarian, Twenty to Life Jamie and her love of neck tattoos, the two couples who Married at Second Sight, and No Longer Jacqui with A Peen Ryan dropping I Complete Me Jacqui on the dance floor #shouldhavelefthertheremate.
Jamie must have still been getting over her breakup with Dave as she became emotional about the journey.
First up on the Couch of Farkery was
TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE AND THE BFG DAVE
After hearing about their "really good friendship," Expert Mel nodded a 'yeah, that's nice.... let's see if we can fck that up by showing your highlight reel.' Yup, we revisited all the cutie bits of their match: "we schmoozed/I had dopamine shooting out of my arse" before watching Dave and Actress Veronica spring apart in bed at the Couple Swap.
The highlight reel went to Yo Adrian telling Jamie Dave didn't want to boof her, and we finished with Dave 2.0 in all his glory: "I don't hate the girl!" Wow, great mood killer there Mel.
The BFG Dave had the good sense to look mortified while Jamie hinted at an invitation back to MAFS: "We came wanting to learn and have a great experience, and that's what we had. Who knows, maybe we'll get matched next year?" No Chicka. I really like Jamie, but 10,000 people apply for this show each year. WE DO NOT NEED ANOTHER LIZZIE FFS.
Would I have liked these two to still be together? Yeah, I would have loved it.
YO ADRIAN AND WARRIOR TWINCESS AWHINA
Yo Adrian explained how upset he was "considering how much time, attention, and effort" he'd put into Awhina. Ummmm, mate, let me just stop you right the fark there. While I understand Awhina's comments about you last night were shizenhausen, do we really need to remind you she said them when you were swanning around the top of Dckhead Mountain competing for a medal?
You know, the whole "I want to be in the promo, pack my bags I'm not coming back?" That time you played footsies with Reality Retread Sierah under the table while the pervy cameraman—who just happened to be under there—filmed the lot for us? That flirty date? The gaslighting? The fun family luncheon? Always putting yourself first? But yes, let me just listen a bit longer about why you're upset with Awhina #lalalala
Sierah and Awhina went at it, and mehhhhhhhhhh, I don't really want to breathe life into Sierah wanting to make an impact tonight. YAWN
Awhina told the Experts she had an "epiphany" when she got home to Perth and #purchasedMrBuzz: "I am amazing, I am a good mum! I am hot! During the experiment, I felt small... I didn't feel good about myself.... Yo was never my person. My person would never make me feel like this." Yowza Chikca.
Yo apologized: "Sorry I didn't make you feel wanted or bring out the best in you. I'm sorry." And you know what, he didn't need the subtitles #coherentyono
And I'm almost positive Awhina took her little incoherent vibrator home with her for one last time. #talktomewithsubtitlesonemoretimeyo.
Would I have liked these two to still be together? Hahahahhahaha, no. Am I convinced Yo swapped with his twin for a few days for a giggle? 100% yes #yoyos.
I COMPLETE ME JACQUI and NO LONGER JACQUI WITH A PEEN RYAN
Oooooooooooh Folks, this is gonna be good! We're all going to witness the Experts hauling Jacqui over the coals for her complete mind farkery of an experiment.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd wait for it...
Jacqui shuffled over to the couch like a concubine before settling into her own special rhythm of absolute farkery. Yup, the Jacqui we all know and not loved was back in full #jacjacjacqui mode.
"Yeah, two weeks after Final Vows I was sad and crying" and WHAT? Hahaha this is mental to watch. "Anyway, hahahahha, Clint and I bonded over our disappointment and I got a one-way flight to show Upper Case my map 'o Tassie! Now I'm moving in with him! He'll look after our kids if I end up in a coma - or New York!" #startspreadingthenews
Baby Reindeer Billy and Jamie heckled from the stalls #boohiss until Upper Case Clint assured everyone how "very serious" Stop talking please Clintus Interruptus
Ryan accused them of getting together behind his back and lying with the whole "I do love and respect you! I would NEVER disrespect you like that!" Ummm, yes you would, and Ryan had the texts to prove it.
And this is where the Experts jumped in about Jacqui lying and.... oh wait, never mind #didnthappen.
We sat through the Ryan and Jacqui highlight reel that did exactly that: highlight TF out of this pair for being a mad pair of loose units.
We saw it all: the "Jacqui gives awesome head" from Ryan and Jacqui #jacquicrying, lying repeatedly, crying, gaslighting, criticizing, crying, the letter shaming him, the crying, the smooth talking him to stay: "I've loved you since the day I met you," giving her number to the #backupgroom, the #moronicnoticonic Final vows, and the hint of a relationship with Upper Case CLINT "sooner than I think now."
Ooooooooh, here it comes, the Experts giving her a grill—aaaaaaaaaand nope. Zip, nada. No cigar. Not a fckn blip.#noblipexperts
The Experts asked Upper Case how he felt, and he touched his hair and smiled: "Watching the video is exactly how Jacqui described it. I can't believe what behaviours he displayed to a female."
UMMMMMM THAT’S WHAT YOU SAW? Sinking further under the Jacqui spell, he added, "I have fallen for her more after watching that." That'll do, donkey, that'll do.
The Jacqui show continued: "Ryan's behaviour was never up to scratch. I ignored my feelings and put on a brave face, 'cause that's what brave people do!" #nothatswhatmanipulatorsdo
Expert Melania Alessandra asked if she had put on a 'performance' during the experiment, and that was pretty much it. No Expert bollocking. No accountability. No fecking anything.
Jacqui shuffled back over and planted a kiss on Upper Case as Norman the Wonder Woofer did one of his famous contemptuous farts of disgust, growled at the TV, and walked outside #smokebombingwonderwoofer.
Man, that dog is the best judge of character going round.
Would I have liked seeing Ryan and Jacqui stay together? No. Do I want Jacqui and Upper Case together? Mehhhh, don't care as long as they live far far far away. #likereallyfarandoffsocials.
CARINA AND PAUL
Paul played the victim card again: "I was heartbroken, I was able to reflect on the experiment. Were we compatible? Carina was a snob, didn't show her true self, couldn't take criticism..... blah blah blah."
Man, this guy is STILL trying to blame her for what HE did. Expert Melania Alessandra gave him a pull through before turning on their highlight reel. #ordownlightreel.
Yup, we rewatched Paul's Dodgy Wellness bus drive repeatedly over Carina, the door #itwasntjustafuckingdoor, the 'ick' comment, the 'snob' comment, and come on.... we all know what happened, so blah #itstoolatebabynowitstoolate.
Paul tried a different tack of shifting the blame: "I know I've made a few mistakes along the way BUT Carina has also made mistakes—maybe not as much—but she DID say certain things and done things that made me uncomfortable and upset at times." #dckheadmountainchampionoftheworld.
What a Coincidence Jeff let out a big "Faaaaaaaaaark" from the stalls, and Expert John, being very Experty, gave him a bollocking: "Paul, I've had enough. You have to stop playing the victim and LOOK at me when I'm talking to you. You need to change. I have seen a guy who has consistently broken his partner's trust—not once, not twice, but three times. You overreacted to a comment in a car and you punched a wall—that's VIOLENCE. No excuse. You did it and you shouldn't have. Second; you talked outside of your relationship with Awhina. That's betrayal. And third, you went on a date as you were 'curious.'" #andcurioser
Paul mumbled like he was Yo, and John continued: "I don't want to watch someone blame the person who's been on the receiving end. Frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach. Use this as a wake-up call."
And before anyone thinks I'm blowing too much sunshine up Expert John's bot bot for hammering Paul, let me also add that this guy should've been kicked off the show a month ago. And there's also the question: why were you quiet with the other muppets earlier, John?
Paul shrugged his shoulders and apologized to Carina, and mehhhhhh, I don't think he meant a word of it. #offyoufck.
And to finish up the show on a high note, 'cause you know, this show isn't Gaslight at First Sight #GAFS or Wankers At First Sight #WAFS it's actually Married at First Sight where lovely, genuine folk find happiness.... or at least, maybe one couple every few years finds happiness, and this year it was
WHAT A COINCIDENCE RHI AND DEIDRE CHAMBERS JEFF
These two are right up there with the love stories of Joanie and Chachi and will be used mercilessly to promote the 'experiment' as a success. They even declared their love for the first time tonight in a move that will earn them a fully sponsored wedding and multiple media appearances over the coming months. #orweeks.
Everything about this couple screams authentic, and THAT is why they've received fck all airtime this season. Do I wish them well? Sure, I've loved watching them prosper amongst the group of poorly matched drama queens who were on the show for shits, giggles and fame…and it worked.
And who, may I ask, is to blame for them getting fck all airtime, dear readers?
That would be us.
The freaking dckheads who watch this show for the #dramallama.
Thanks so much for reading my nightly recaps, folks. Your hilarious comments and keen eye for detail have given me so much to work with.
I haven't decided what I'm writing next, but I AM a huge fan of Farmer Wants a Missus. Stay tuned
And that was all she wrote.
Toodle Pips!
Fi xx