Episode 37
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Welcome to the Final Vows, where we watched 10 minutes of vows, 30 minutes of recaps, 20 minutes of commercial breaks, 5 minutes of slow-mo walking, and some idle chit-chat to pad out the rest. Yup. Here’s the Update for Trash Bags, ep 27 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Yup, it's time for the Final Vows #partone and we all know they're just going to draw this TF out so it's nearly unbearable, yeah? Yeah? So here's the slightly less painful, more sweary version for your reading pleasure #ordispleasurewhatevs.
Let's check in on our little calamity of Douche Canoes as they prepare to leave their #contraapartments.
The BGF Dave tried to leave his “Honeymoon shells” at the apartment, and Twenty to Life Jamie wasn’t having a bar of it #ooopsdidiforgetthem and high-fived him #likeloversdo. Ummmm....what about your fish children?
Dave and Jamie watched their wedding video, and it was all a bit “ooooh and ahhhhh! Oh my, how funny and friendly we are!" Dave ran outside and told us his feelings “have now progressed...I’m freaking out…I know how much I care, and I don’t want to lose her” Wow, Dave, big turnaround. Huge. And thankfully just in time to be at the final vows
Jamie feels Dave “sees me to my core," and they hugged before leaving the apartment separately…. Ummmm what? They both live in Melbourne and could have shared an Uber to the airport. #justsaying #bigbudgetspending
What a Coincidence Rhi and Deidre Chambers Jeff will miss their morning routine of “going to the gym” together and awwwwwww #aerobicjeffrhi
Down the hall and possibly around the bend, Int It Beth had decided to punt the Final Vows with Darling Darling Darling Teejay as she “didn’t want to wear another white dress just to be rejected.” Fair enough, and about time. Teejay was nonplussed “yeah. Makes sense” Oh Teejay, you absolute Muppet. #hooroodarling.
In his solo apartment, Paul was packing his bag like a retail assistant with OCD and told us Carina “was still in a bit of a bad headspace.” Yes mate, and YOU put her in it #justsayin.
Paul was hopeful Carina had told the group how “amazing I’ve been and all the things that I’ve done for her…and how we’ve always forgiven each other.” WOW. Sure Paul, amazing things. #theamazingbusdriver
He went to visit Carina and apologise 950 times, and look, I’m not a freaking body language expert like Scott Taylor but Carina’s body language read “get tf out of here, you absolute bellend, I’m done with you.” Paul sniffed Carina one more time #eeeeeeew, so Norman the Wonder Woofer gave one of his contemptuous farts of disgust. It was so bad I had to evacuate the lounge room #normienooooo
When I came back, Paul was reassuring Carina “hear this from me: I’m so bloody attracted to you – I tell the boys all the time!” before he touched her under her chin and left the apartment
Carina watched her wedding video and cried before meeting her mum Carmel outside a church #causewearecatholic. Carmel reminded Carina that being a good Christian was being "able to forgive. Maybe just have a chat with the big fella and pray, yada yada."
Yeah, that’s all fine and dandy, but I’m pretty sure ‘thou shalt not be a massive twatwaffle on national telly and fck up repeatedly' was also in the good book somewhere too. I'm almost positive it says that somewhere, #iwillcomebackwhenifindit.
Somewhere else in the contra apartments, I Complete Me Jacqui decided to give Jacqui with a Peen Ryan a bag as her final present. Yup, Jacqui figured giving Bunnings Chair Ryan a bag would minimize the damage of telling Ryan she’d given another bloke her number.
Waste of a bag there, Jacqui, as Ryan wasn't happy "you’ve given Rory the sign it’s ok to message you! It makes me angry.” FOR FCKS SAKE RYAN – HOW MUCH MORE CAN YOU/WE TAKE? JUST TAKE YOUR NEW BAG AND LEAVE! We all know she just wants to grandstand at the vows. #beabeth.
Then Jacqui, always one to please the producers with her verbal WTF's, offered up “I am committed to Ryan! We've got great photos - we can do a lingerie photo shoot together like! I have no intention of seeing Rory outside. If I’m in a relationship with someone it’s forever! I intend to be at their funeral and them at mine - that's how forward-looking I am.”
I'd also like to point out that going to each other's funerals might be a smidge difficult if you think about it there, Jacmeister.
Awhina Warrior Twincess and Yo Adrian hadn’t spoken since the palaver at the Dinner Party but came together to watch their wedding day video. Yo had also jumped on board with Awhina’s “if you’re in a secure relationship you wouldn’t go on a date” convo as if it was his thought, and mehhhhhh…I tell ya, if I hear Awhina bang on about their sex-u-al chemistry one more time #buthesacoherentvibrator.
Down in Melbourne, Jamie caught up with her sister, who still believed their relationship was just a friendship. “She’s lying to herself. There’s no romance…do I think it’ll go anywhere? NO.” Come on folks, we all know she speaks the truth!
THE FINAL VOWS
TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE AND THE BFG DAVE.
Before the vows, Dave reassured us once again that he’d been “showing up” and how he “could see a future with us!” and his vows were all “I came for something worth holding onto. I choose us! Let’s give this a real shot.” #youmightcompletemeonedaymaybe
Jamie came in “wanting to find my person” and yada yada’d on through the different stages of their relationship. She finished up with "I know my worth about being loved but I don’t know if I’m willing to wait to see if you can get there” #dadadadaaaaaaaaaa.
Jamie, forever the funster, then added in that she was "willing to give it a try" with Dave. Cue the Mills and Boon made-for-TV music and Dave swept Jamie up into his arms. Hmmmmmm... now as much as I wanted these two to make it, it kinda felt like my first sexual experience; a whole lot of excitement at the start, a bit of 'what's going on here - show up!' a withdrawal and really nothing leg trembling to write home about. #toottootandnothing.
Jamie did make me laugh with her final comment “how boring would this life be if he didn’t have this spicy wog in there!?”
Before our next Final Vows, we eavesdropped on Awhina and her sister Cleo’s video call where Awhina was trying to relay the need of keeping her coherent Mr. Buzz. Cleo wasn’t so sure “I don’t think he's a bad person. Is he good enough for you? NO. He doesn't ask anything, and he's been there for himself from the start. Would you be happy for your daughter to be with someone like Adrian?” #noyoformydaughter.
YO ADRIAN AND AWHINA WARRIOR PRINCESS AWHINA’S FINAL VOWS
Now their final vows were edited so they went back and forth, but I’ll be typing all night, so I’ll just do my own version of what happened #asirecall.
YO ADRIAN: wehnwelhk wrgrhrkng safs sdgsg ***subtitles*** I can’t explain our connection in words (no more subtitles folks, I told the subtitles lady to go home).
ME: hahahahhahahahahha 'in words' hahahahahhaha.
AWHINA: Ups and downs! My son's life is in Perth and he’s missing his mum! But phwoar, what about our sex-u-al chemistry, Mr. Buzz!
YO ADRIAN: Yeah ***smiles*** I know. Look at me!
AWHINA: You’re not my future right now, and this is where our journey ends.
YO ADRIAN: Yeah, best for both of us to walk away ***smiling at Awhina***.
AWHINA: Stop looking at me like that, Mr. Buzz! Want to spend time with me tonight? You’re choosing to walk away, but you LIKE ME.
YO ADRIAN: Yeah, but the reality is…***gets cut off by Awhina***.
AWHINA: You DO like me. You DO!
YO ADRIAN: Yeah, but…***gets cut off by Awhina***.
AWHINA: YOU DO! That’s the answer. Want to try and see what it looks like?
YO ADRIAN: Ummm YES!
AWHINA: Decisions made!
I shit you not #ishityouabit. They literally decided to walk away and Awhina changed the game plan and NOW they’re staying together. I was blindsided, I tell ya, blindsided. Yo told us Awhina “is a lucky woman” before adding “the future is bright” #havetowearshades.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Awhina, for the love of God, you can actually buy vibrators in Perth, yeah? If not, go online or do what other reality TV contestants have done and become a spokeswoman for a new pink coherent Mr. Buzz. #iusecoherentvibratorsyoushouldtoo.
And last up was Paul and Carina’s Final Vows to drag the show out for another ten minutes. I won’t even bother going through it though, as they ended the show with a “TOMORROW NIGHT” when Paul asked how Carina was. Yup, Paul and Carina were used as a cliffhanger to keep us watching. #notexactlyawhoshotjr.
Far out, how am I going to kill brain cells this quickly when the show finishes?
Any suggestions?
And that was all she wrote.
Toodle Pips!
Fi xx