Episode 36
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Well, the Trash Train is really limp dck‘n on its journey to FINAL VOWS town. #givethattrainabluepill. Here's the update for Trash Bags, ep 36 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Let's catch up with our hapless douche canoes on possibly the most boring episode this season
Paul wasn't feeling the best about his "stupid decision to go on the stupid date" and flubbed his lips to try and look more remorseful #blllgggbbbbbb Carina was "heartbroken" and gave us her answer to the interview question: how would you describe yourself? "I am a loving, careful and gentle soul" but can you do the job mate? #yesbutgentlyandcatholicy
Across the hall, What a Coincidence Rhi and Deidre Chambers Jeff were celebrating that they were the only couple not dopey enough to go on dates with other people, while I Complete Me Jacqui was being #jacjacjacqui and crying hysterically about the dwindling numbers on her social media platforms. Blowing her nose in the loudest way possible, she almost drowned out Ryan telling all he's learned on the show "I drank wine and had pasta" #italianlovingbunningschair.
Int it Beth and Reality Retread Teejay were awkward, Awhina Warrior Twincess was upset with Yo Adrian for not understanding why they'd "failed the experiment." And Yo was Yo "sghknsghksdgljk sglkhsdgfkjlhsdgnkj" ***subtitles*** "I think she's on her period." Ok, so that last part wasn't true, but it kinda sounds like something he'd say.
THE VOYEURS ROOM OF FARKERY
Our Experts were pumped about their latest 'task' and couldn't wait to see what #dramallama they'd created. Leaning towards their pervy TV, they watched the mob roll in:
Our ***name change*** Casual Instigator of Mayhem Jeff and What a Coincidence Rhi admitted they were 'curious' about their alternate matches, and Rhi made a good point: "there's a difference between being curious and actioning it." Ahhhhh, and this is why these two never get enough airtime. One can't be sensible on MAFS and expect airtime #nomoreforyou.
Twenty to Life Jamie walked in: "Hey fckrs, I'm a nosy bitch! Hahahaa, nosy bitch!" #orcurious.
Yo Adrian tried to get Awhina to "snap out of your bad mood" before telling us, "Why the fck am I the bad guy? I'm pretty good at taking accountability... sometimes.... Hahaha.” #accountableyo
Awhina explained they'd “failed the test“ as they were "curious" and went on the dates, and Yo disagreed: "Nah, I didn't go out of curiosity, I looked at it like a task." Ummmmm... nah mate, you looked at Maxine like she was dessert #notatask.
They had a fight, but I was yawning too much to really listen. I DID hear Melania Alessandra say, "She may not have seen what she already knew." Oooooooooh, good one Expert Alessandra.
I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui With A Peen Ryan shocked the sht out of everyone by arriving as a happy couple while Jeff and The BFG Dave sat in the corner gossiping about Paul: "This is Paul's third stuff up... three strikes and you're out." #strikesseemsappropriate.
Carina arrived, and I have to say, she looked fckg amazeballs - which is exactly how you're supposed to look when a dckhead cheats. Clambering around her to get the goss, the girls heard Paul had sent her three text messages over the weekend but hadn't bothered to call.
In his airport limo, Paul, being the kind and caring guy he is, told us, “I brought her coffee and a little patisserie," which he'd left "at her door. I didn't even hear from her or even get a thank you." Yup, a chocolate croissant might do it in France mate, but over here we say sorry with Tim Tams and you know… gosh, by maybe not getting all cheaty on national telly?
Paul arrived and walked over to Carina for a "one on one to reassure her that I want to continue this relationship on the outside" #wheretherosesgrow but he was interrupted by my bestie, the visa waiver waiter Manuel: "Zeeeeee Dinnnnner is Seeeeeerrrrrrrved!" And I can't believe it's the last time I'll see you this year. #goodluckonthevisaextension.
The Experts could sense the excitement in the room, and just as Carina hoiked her boob up, Teejay, grateful for another groom standing with him on Dckhead Mountain, addressed "the elephant in the room. We want to know what's going on" and launched the half-hour episode of the Paul and Carina show. Seriously, the next 22 minutes of content (with 8 minutes of ads = 30 minutes #mafsmaths) belonged to the interrogation of Paul for being a dkhead.
It was a lot, but here’s the gist of it: Paul insisted he was “genuinely really happy” with Carina and “was just being stupidly curious... I was isolated in that room and it was like I had a donkey brain! I just wanted to run away at the date! I’m not trying to justify myself blah blah blah.”
And just for a quick second, Paul looked really angry. As in, really fckg angry. It disappeared just as quickly as he said to us, “It felt like everyone was focusing on the bad and the wrong – and all of the good things I’ve done were almost forgotten.”
Carina explained how Paul had “disrespected” her and her family and how he’d jumped at the chance of being a dckhead during the experiment. “What would he do outside?” #rightthere. Paul denied he was “that sort of guy. I don’t have the capability to sneak out behind your back and do wrong by you behind your back.”
No mate, you’d just ghost her like you did last year. Speaking of ghosting, Paul was dumb enough to accuse Carina of “ghosting me!” for not responding to his text messages over the weekend. Hahahaha what a fckn idiot.
Paul told us, “Carina is still in that funny headspace. She’s STILL questioning my sincerity.” Still? And that’ll do, donkey, that’ll do. I can’t bang on about this guy too much more.
Rhi, having another sensible moment that explained her lack of airtime, said a blinder: “A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.” And far out, thanks Chicka, I’ll be using that.
Then Carina had her moment: “Try harder Paul. I’m a catch! Anyone would die to be with me and that’s that!” #boomchickawowwow.
Jacqui, not known for reading the room, patted Paul on the arm: “You’re great. You’re great Paul. You just have to try harder, that’s all.” #fckofftotassiejacqui.
Taking his cue from Jacqui, Paul squeezed his eyes closed in a bid to shed a tear. Hahahaha, stop it, that’s only for Jacqui #notamponsforyoureyesmate
Moving on to the weirdly happy Jacqui and Ryan, Jamie laughed: “Imagine one of the strongest relationships in the place!!”Yeah, imagine that.
Jacqui giggled she was “NOW attracted” to Ryan. NOW? So NOT when you were the giver of award winning gobbies? Jacqui banged on again with a confusing grass is greener story: “In life the grass may look greener… the question is whether you want to go into the grass and move to that grass. That’s what marriage is about – I might admire the grass but like, that’s not my grass and my grass is here. Greener is where you water it. We’re still watering our grass and we’re happy.” What. The. Fark. Did. She. Say? #deadpissedongrass
And to finish off #thankfck Awhina and Yo had an argument. Here it is #asirecall:
YO Adrian: my date lived in Sydney. Perth is heaps further away. Do I care enough to pack my bags right now? Do I see myself moving right now? No.
Awhina: Let’s not hide behind the challenge or long distance – I am not the right person.! SAY IT, SAY IT!
Yo: Right now there is uncertainty. Would you move to Sydney?
AWHINA: Absolutely fckg not! Is there any point going to final vows?
Yo: Right at this instant? No. A big No, absolutely.
Awhina: I don’t want to be here wasting my time anymore.
YO: GO. #desserttime
AWHINA: Fck final vows.
And she walked out.
The others all sat there, releasing their clenched chocolate starfishes, grateful they didn’t have the pack shining the dirty rotten cheater spotlight at them. Do any of them - aside from Rhi and Jeff - deserve to be at the final vows?
Absolutely fckg not.
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips and see you at the final vows!
Fi