Episode 35
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Well pour some lukewarm water on me and call me Tepid #liketonightwas. Here’s the update for Trash Bags, episode 35 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Let’s have a peek-a-boo at our little douche canoes as they hurtle along totheir final destination #ofsingledom.
Carina is ‘done’ as in #donedone and questioned where she "went wrong" after Pepe Le Pew Pew Pew Paul went on a date in toddler pull ups. Ummmm... dry your eyes chicka, you didn't do a single thing wrong #frenchieboydiditallbyhimself. Paul was sitting on his lonesome banging on about "just being very curious," and after a few deep breaths for impact, started humming Cher's absolute banger, If I Could Turn Back Time #youwoulddoitagainpewpewpew.
We were reminded about the farkery of 'Final Test Week' where the last of our hapless couples are offered a chance to meet their other match.
OK, so let's just make this abundantly clear: this task is simple. If you go, you don't want to be in a relationship, and if you don't go, you do. Get it? Got it? Simples...
Here's how it all went down:
TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE AND THE BFG DAVE
Dave received his letter, wiped away any remnants of Dave 2.0, and said, "I'm not interested in that. It's our journey and that's what we should focus on... So no." Awwww, that's so nice, Dave and Jamie sitting in a tree k.i.s.s. i.n.g.
Nek minute, we head over to Jamie, who had decided being "a nosy bitch" was enough of an excuse to meet her potential other match. Yup, being in a "great place" with the hubster wasn't enough to curb those pesky 'nosy bitch' tendencies. Come on folks, I think we all know that 'nosy bitch' is just "I was just curious" in disguise. #peekaboonosybitchiseeyou.
What the actual fark, Jamie? You finally get moist eyes from a newly emotional Dave and you're sussing out another bloke 'cause you're 'a nosy bitch'? And maaaaaaate, wearing Vans and covering your boobs 'cause you're "conservative, cos I'm bloody married" doesn't make it any less, ummmmm.... Gosh, what's the word? #cheaty. Far out dude, why didn't you just start speaking with a French accent and put on some white toddler pull ups?
Jamie necked some wines while waiting for her second match aaaand he was a no show. Hahaha, what a stitch-up. Arriving back to hear Dave had valued their relationship enough to say no, #uhoh, Jamie immediately launched into her "OMG, you know I'm a nosy bitch right? Hahahaha I'm not interested in anyone else! I just want to know everything! Hahahaha I got stood up!" Dave was happy she was stood up and said, "We're in a marriage and I trust her." Ummmmm, no. Intent is intent, Dave.
YO ADRIAN AND AWHINA WARRIOR TWINCESS
Man, I don't even need to write this part, as we ALL fckn knew what Yo was going to do. Anywho...
Awhina was immediately emotional about the task 'cause she knew her little coherent vibrator was a plaaaayer... And she was right. Yo read the letter, didn't think of Awhina for a second, grinned, and said, "I don't know if this is a gee up or not... but I'm not against it. Fck it! Let's go!"
Awhina continued crying as she "had regrets! I already know in the back of my head that Adrian will go.... Ooooh what to do.... oohhh... Yeah, I'm going on the date. I came here for a life partner and I'm not sure if it's Adrian. This is about me and I want to go." Okie dokie chicka, but just one little question: WHAT TF ARE YOU STILL DOING ON THE SHOW THEN?
Yo flirted with his date Maxine about her dress: "Nice colour on you." #soflirty and having a conversation was weird for Maxine as "guys just stare at me from across the room." Yup, these two have LOADS in common: amazing communication skills, living in Sydney, they "loooove beaches!! And sunrises!" and ummmmm, it was really just a bit of a #mutualmasturbationsociety.
Maxine giggled at the "are you two vibing?" question from a producer: "Hahaha maybe... I'm bashful he he he." Far out, these two would have been a match made in MAFS heaven.
Awhina met up with her date Tim, a social working nice lad from QLD, and can I just flag one thing? Why did Yo, a single guy from Sydney, get a match from the same city and yet Awhina, a single fckg mother from Perth, got a guy from QLD? #justcurious.
Second Match Tim asked Awhina more "questions than Adrian has throughout the entire experiment." Come on Awhina, let's be fair, Yo might have asked you questions while the subtitle lady was on a break - you may have mistaken his mumbled question about your child for something like "I'm just taking a dump. Back in a minute." Ya just never know. #nomorebreaksforthesubtitlelady.
Back at their apartment, Awhina was jealous about Yo meeting up with Maxine #yourenottheonlyone and upset that Yo "couldn't care less" she went on a date too. Awhina tried to explain, "If we were strong, we wouldn't have done it," and Yo was all "egihweglk sgdgsgnkn agdnldsnldsff" ***subtitle*** "Yeah, whatevs, it's done now."
I COMPLETE ME JACQUI AND JACQUI WITH A PEEN RYAN
Jacqui was still #jacquicrying about missing Ryan and would "do anything! Give up anything! I'd break my back" to keep Ryan, which was a little extreme #iwillfindyou.
Down the hall, Ryan, the deeply committed white Bunnings chair, flicked through the shrine of 'Jacqui loves Ryan' photos before reading the Letter of Farkery. "Oh shit! I would be doing myself a disservice not taking a chance to meet someone. Jacqui will say no though as she's invested in making things right! We built a shrine! I don't want to hurt her! She'll say no! Hahah, have you met me?" #sitdownonyourselfchairman.
We flicked over to Jacqui, sitting at a table waiting for her match that John West rejected for being fairly normal. Combining hair flicks and giggles, Jacqui flirted her way through "I love your white shirt! Do you read non-fiction books?" to Rory, a guy that reads newspapers #theyarenonfiction on the weekends. Yup, riveting stuff.
Jacqui snuck outside to tell us, "He has rosy cheeks! I feel happy and light! I want to hang out with Rory now!" before running back inside and asking him for his number.
Yes, Jacqui 100% is committed to Ryan. How's that back of yours going, Chicka?
Meanwhile, Ryan met up with Vivienne, a fellow vision board enthusiast who wants to "achieve" going to Japan by the end of the year. Japan! OMG, Ryan had to borrow a pair of Paul's pull ups as he talked about Japan and his 250-year-old Samurai sword. Fck my life and recapping this show. Talking to Vivienne about Jacqui reminded Ryan of "how powerful Jacqui and my relationship has been. I owe it to her to show up and embrace me." No, for the love of sweet baby cheeses, no.
Back at the Contra apartment racked with guilt, Ryan invited Jacqui over to confess he went on the date. Ya see, there's "still a part" of Ryan that cares for Jacqui and "giving her the chance to make amends is important." Ryan knows Jacqui will be jealous and ask a lot of questions. Here's their convo #asirecall:
RYAN:I went and met my other match but it wasn't a date. I'm a warrior poet and just wanted fresh insights. Is there anything you want to know about her?
JACQUI: nahhh all good! I went on a date. He was a lovely man!
RYAN: How old was he? Was he flirting? Does he have a samurai sword? Compatible? Vision Board?
JACQUI: Oh Ry, are you jealous?
RYAN: ME? No, I'm just CURIOUS #omfgstopwiththatword. Vivienne was really smart! I told her about you and she thinks you're shit.
Jacqui smiled to us: “He’s a very jealous type. Hahahah, he was really jealous. Shows he cares for me – so good for the both of us. I have hope!!"
Then she introduced another list to tickle Ryan's ego into moving back in with her: ”Dear Ryan, I miss your hugs and pats! You so biiigg, you sooo strong! You've got great posture! Your beautiful smile! Your crazy reactions! I think you'll make your mortgage repayments! I want you to move back in!" And you could see Ryan puffing his chest up like a blowfish. "It's a good list! The best you've ever written! Tomorrow I'll move back in."
WHAT THE FCK HAPPENED TO YOU BEING TOO EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED RYAN? Is your ego really that fckg massive that two good strokes and you're done? #victamowerryan.
Jacqui stroked his hand and whispered to us, "It’s important to realise the grass is greener where you water it!” No mate, the grass with you two is brown from being pssed on every week. Give it a rest.
I refuse to finish on Jacqui again tonight, so, ummmmmmm... Deidre Chambers Jeff and What a Coincidence Rhi had dinner and it was nice.
***and a big thanks to the staff at Ramsay Surgical Centre Miranda for looking after me today…and a big howdy to Lusty Nurse Jenny GET YOUR SKIN CHECKED FOLKS***
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips!
Fi xx