Episode 34
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Curiosity killed the cat, I'm telling you I know where it's at Here's the update for Trash Bags, ep 34 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Let's catch up with our little calamity of douche canoes to see how they're hanging.
What a Coincidence Rhi and Deidre Chambers Jeff were still in the #cuteplace, while Awhina Warrior Twincess and her incoherent vibrator were considering #uncomfyconvos. Down the hall, Twenty to Life Jamie and The BFG Dave were singing that absolute belter of a song "Closer" by Ne-Yo while Paul tickled Carina under her chin. Yup, I literally shuddered when he tickled her submental area - and I know what that area’s called 'cause I hit up Google #likejacquidoes.
Reality Retread Teejay was feeling confronted after all of his "honesty." Yup, all that honesty of "I haven't changed my feelings for three weeks, but I still porked Beth without a connection and I'M in the wrong?" #youdckhead.
Then we get to Jacqui.
Hahahahhahahahah, I can't even... see if you can... Jacqui felt really "sad after last night." Ya see, all she's ever done was try and make Ryan better. "It's like me renovating the home I want to live in... maybe he's just a chair and I was trying to get him to be a door." Yup, Ryan is a door - albeit one of those Bunnings white plastic ones that are really uncomfortable, but he's OK with being a chair #ichairme.
Jacqui arrived to show the evidence of hitting up Google to find out how to show 'acceptance'. "Ryan, I do accept you... you're a great person and I've loved you since the day I met you... you're one of the greatest plastic chairs I've ever met. I'm so heartbroken." Ryan wasn't having a bar of it. He's a chair, God damn it, and he's stackable. "The apologies are overdue, it's too late, I'm OK being stacked in the corner" #iwannabeallbymyself.
Then we came to the final test and our mayhem creating Experts explained it's to "test the couples' commitment to their relationships." Hahaha, sounds legit. The couples were separated into different apartments and a note was slipped under their door: "You were compatible with another person. Wanna be a dckhead and meet them?" #oooohyesplease.
What a Coincidence Rhi was a hard no, as was her hubster Deidre Chambers Jeff, 'cause you know, they're fckn nice. "There wouldn't be anyone better for me, so I definitely don't want to meet them," said Rhi as she went back to watching a not-so-subtle Channel Nine plug for Stan. Jeff continued playing on his Gameboy 'cause meeting someone else would make him "the dumbest person in the world."
Int It Beth and Reality Retread Teejay both agreed to suss out how green the grass was. #iwillallow. Beth met Oisin, a confident Irish lad who loved a bit of "banter" and is probably still nursing his hangover from St Patrick's Day. Beth, still reeling from a non-connected boofing, smiled politely while holding on to a sliver of hope Teejay would miraculously change his mind.
Ahhhhhh... no. Teejay met Tara, an amateur astrologist who happily yelled "ETHNIC!" to Teejay about his heritage #ethnicAries. Teejay told Beth about Tara: "Yeah, she was attractive, the conversation was easy...I thought I'd get rid of some head noise and see where it pushed me to or from you, and it left me neutral, to be honest."
Yup. Beth finally understood the mess of Teejay #notadirectquote: "What a knob, I need to move on. It was my first relationship and I've been delusional." Wow, maybe this task IS a healthy task for unhealthy relationships. #noitsreallyfcknnot.
Speaking of unhealthy relationships, Carina and Paul received their offer of sussing out the neighbours' lawns, and Carina was an instant and definite "no." In his room, Paul was all "my relationship is absolutely amazing! Amazing with my little princess Carina! Amazing!" #threeamazingsandyouareout.
He continued with a sly grin, "potentially I could be meeting someone I could have been a match with. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Hmmmm... weird. I'm extremely CURIOUS. Let me see the green!" #orpink #curiousofftodckheadmountain.
Taking his gold medal and marching straight to the top of Dckhead Mountain, the "Yeah, JUST curious! Hahah Curious!!" Paul met up with Hannah on Oxford St... in daylight #weirdplacetochoosebutwhatevs.
Hannah came in and Paul was cocky and flirted in that wanky way he probably did with another chick when he ghosted Carina last year. "We could have been a potential match, and I wasn't sure why... I have lots of questions!" Hannah, thinking this was a date, with, you know, a single fckg guy, went on to give her bio: "I like to travel and hike - oh yeah and be wined and dined!" Paul smiled as the "Outdoors makes me happy." #offyoufckoutsidethen
Meanwhile, back in the apartment, Carina was doing the laundry and folding Paul's undies which were clean, 'cause the shit usually attached to them was flirting in a bar in Oxford St. #boomboom
Back at the bar, Hannah asked Paul why it didn't work out with his wife #dadadaaaaaaaaa and Paul suddenly remembered his true colours were blinding the fck out of us. "Everything is working out! She's lovely!." Our new heroine Hannah sniffed the bullshit cologne Paul slapped on earlier and called him out: "Why are you here then?" Paul dragged out the "Out of curiosity! Not that I'm looking! I'm genuinely curious - I'm just a curious person in general. I'm purely curious!" #toseeifyoudshag.
Paul banged on with other random shit to try and save face as Hannah walked out and said to us "Cheater vibes....I'd be upset if he was my husband. What a knob." FCK YES HANNAH
Arriving back at the apartment, Paul wrapped Carina in a hug "Oh baby, couldn't wait to come back..I went out of curiosity! I wanted to run away, this is a joke" Ummmm yeah mate #youarethejoke Carina asked why he went on a date #curiouserandcuriouser "I know it sounds crazy! I'm soooo curious! As soon as I met her, WHAT THE HELL? She was literally a barbie doll! It was yucky"
And I tell ya, I didn't think it was possible to curl my lip so far back in distaste that i could vacuum seal my nose. I nearly fckg died. Paul wanked on a bit more "I wanna just squeeze you and kiss you everywhere" #vacuumsealagain
Suddenly Carina heard the alarm bells that have been loudly chiming since the wedding: "I'm questioning the whole relationship - it makes me think about how we met online last year when he GHOSTED ME." #gettingstronger. She walked out of the apartment and Paul chased her down: "I know it was stupid!" Here's the rest of their convo #asirecall.
CARINA: You're an idiot! You didn't consider my feelings!
PAUL: OI? je ne parle pas anglais?
CARINA: Oh fck off numbnuts, YOU SPEAK ENGLISH ***storms down the hall*** I WANT SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS! I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!
NORMAN THE WONDER WOOFER AND ME: ***singing*** getting stronger.
PRODUCER: Ummmm, why are YOU leaving?
CARINA: ***Storms back inside*** Get your shit and leave! I'm DONE!
PAUL: Oooh my little chocolate croissant, you're just angry. I like you so much! Think of your mum! Forgiveness!
CARINA: I fcking HATE pastries! GET OUT!
PAUL: "I like you so much."
CARINA: You're going to fcking cheat... if you go on another date, you'll cheat. Now get your shit and LEAVE!
Fck yes Carina!! Hooroo Pepe Le Pew #pewpewpew. How’s your wellness business going mate?
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips!
Fi xx