Episode 33
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Hush please dear readers, the Trash Train has pulled up for the last time at Couch of Farkery station, and we must be vewy vewy quiet #wearehuntingwabbits. Here’s the Update for Trash Bags, ep 33 for the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
In this stunning edition of I’m A Wacky Ahole Get Me Off The Couch, comes the Commitment Ceremony, which Expert John assured us is a “crucial part of the experiment” and is “critical for feedback, so open up!!!” #okeydokeyjohnnyboy
The mob were in various stages of hangovers after participating in the 'Darling' drinking game at the Dinner Party. Speaking of the Darling game, the man responsible made his bed as his wife made a mockery of her pillow slips in her apartment. I tell ya, this show gets more fckn riveting by the minute #allthewayoverthepillowbeth
Yo Adrian thought that if Teejay and Beth just went "on dates more," like the quality ones he took Awhina on #nandos, they'd be OK #bokbokfordinnerdate
I Complete Me Jacqui was proud of her "curious intellectual discussions" and how she "did an exceptional job of convincing Ryan to work through their problems." Yup, Jacqui was positive Ryan would write stay as "he hasn't expressly said he doesn't want to be with me and wants to go home... He kind of just went silent, which means he wants to stay!"
Yes folks and after finishing her blow up on social media, JacScott Taylorg a job with Scott Taylor as an Expert on reading body language #areyouhiringscotty
Down the hall, Ryan applied Murine to his eyes after drying them out blinking ‘H-E-L-P-M-E in morse code at the Dinner Party. Ryan was always going to write LEAVE, 'cause you know, #jacqui. And pounds to peanut Jac Jac Jacqui is writing freaking stay. #dramallamastaywriter
THE COUCH OF FARKERY
The Experts greeted our calamity of douche canoes and congratulated them for doing "just over two months" of the Experiment. Ummmm.... okay, why do Carina and Paul insist on saying it's nearly three months? Is it a Catholic thing? #mafsmaths
Expert John told the mob this last Couch of Farkery was "make or break. It's your last shot with us and your last opportunity to get feedback from the experts that will give you information to make an accurate decision for final vows." Yeah, right you are then, Johnny Boy.
First up on the couch was
TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE AND THE BFG DAVE
The Experts were "still a little baffled" and asked for an update. Dave immediately let go of Jamie's hand, covered his willy, and used the "I've been showing up" line. Yup, showing up. And if you're not sick to shizenhausen of hearing that expression, you haven't been showing up either
Dave told us he's been "showing up.... the feelings have grown, and she can feel it!" and seemed surprised when Jamie admitted, "the love element is on hold now... I trusted him so much...so it just completely blindsided me."
What did you expect, Dave? You can't just stop at a servo for flowers and buy "rich people" perfume to smooth everything over after being Dave 2.0 with the emotions of a gnat. Move along and be a smidge more sincere, yeah?
The Experts were shocked, "Ooooh, this is the first time on MAFS we've had someone retract their love," before John took the stage. "Dave, she doesn't need you to be in love right now—just a possibility in the future that it could happen." Yes John, that's all it ever was about
Dave reassured Jamie, "I could one day fall in love with you. I've messed up, but we can make this work... Sometimes, I'm a stupid little boy who hurts people's feelings. I came here for love, and I don't want to be scared anymore," and then he started getting emotional.
Now look, was I skeptical about this onset of emotion from Dave? Ummmmm…yes tf I was. It kinda feels like he's saying what he thinks we all want to hear. Sorry Dave, I think you're not quite ready to get off Dckhead Mountain #dckheadmountainsocrowded
Norman the Wonder Woofer did one of his glorious farts of disgust and moved onto the couch so I too could smell the doubt. Dave told us his "palms were sweaty," like he was a giant Eminem and both WROTE STAY #thislovergirl #thisloverboy
What a Coincidence/Look at my Shoulders Rhi and Desiree Chambers Jeff
Do we like these two? Sure. They're good communicators, there's potential for the pitter patter of baby coincidences, Rhi has Jeff's house key AND they're 'falling in love." Are we here for the happy couple? Yes... just not right now, we’ll save that for their Woman’s Day sponsored wedding
BOTH STAY and Jacqui did her unimpressed slow clap.
INT IT BETH AND REALITY RETREAD BETH
Teejay was nervous, and I swear, if you listened close enough, you would have heard his chocolate starfish make that weird puckering sound as he waited for the onslaught #puckeringdarling.
Expert Melania launched straight into Teejay, questioning why he'd boofed her when he wasn't feeling the connection and why he was being dishonest. Teejay crapped on about "wanting to have sex" and perhaps he "misinterpreted" the reason for a shag.
Ummmmm..... YOU came up with the "oh we need our souls to connect before we boof again" and then you boofed her Sooooooooo pucker at will there, mate
Expert John questioned Teejay why his connection wasn't growing, and Teejay stumbled for more time. "Ummmmm, I can't put my finger on it" #butyoucanputyourpeenonit.
"Hmmmm," said John, "Teejay, could it be that you're just not into her?" and again, Teejay panic-paused. "Oh, are you asking me that question now?" No mate, John just arrived back in the DeLorean and he asked it 30 years into the future #johnaintnomartymcfly.
Teejay went on to explain that nothing will change and he doesn't want to string Beth along. I mean, I get it, but perhaps you could have pulled her aside BEFORE the Couch of Farkery or BEFORE you boofed her, yeah? Just a thought.
BETH WROTE STAY to the shock of Expert John, and Teejay wrote LEAVE. Expert John left Teejay with a final dig: "Be as authentic and as raw as you can be... We don't need politicians. The time for word salad is over. No more beating around the bush #bethsbushinparticular
Word Salad. Love it, stealing it.
YO ADRIAN AND AWHINA WARRIOR PRINCESS
These two tell us they want to give it a crack in the 'outside' #wheretherosesgrow. Yup, Awhina can't leave Perth, and Yo Adrian has no interest in leaving his thriving online bag business in Sydney. And here I was thinking having an online business gave you flexibility.
Anywho, Awhina must REALLY like having a #subtitledvibrator as the difficulty of living 3848 km apart hasn't entered into their "our future" conversation. Or that Awhina has a child. Or that Yo doesn't see a "future in Perth." Or that Awhina's love language is "physical touch."
OR that Yo answered John's "do you think Awhina's the right person for you potentially?" question with a dramatic pause "ummmmm...... ummmmmmm..... yeah I do. It will have to be when I'M ready" #wowmatereally.
BOTH STAY.
CARINA AND PAUL
Mehhhhh. Carina told us that Paul, fresh from the attempted surprise Baptism in the Indian Ocean, made a "really good impression" on her family. Carina's mum shared with them the secret for a "healthy relationship was communication and forgiveness... not holding grudges," which seemed to have an impact on Paul.
Aaaaaaaand I'm just gonna leave that one right tf alone. These two "potentially" see themselves "falling in love," and again mehhhhhhhh.
Carina reminded us she was a good Catholic girl, and when Mumma Carmel watches MAFS, I hope she remembers that whole 'forgiveness thing' #justsayin.
Does anyone else get the feeling these two are trying TOO freaking hard to be the 'it' couple? Mehhhhhh #nevergonnahappen #stoptryingtomakeithappen.
BOTH STAY with a #frenchkiss
I COMPLETE ME JACQUI AND JACQUI WITH A PEEN RYAN
Expert John, the man of the classic understatement said, "we have a lot to talk about tonight." DO YA THINK, JOHN?
Ryan explained he wanted a team and a friend and that it shouldn't come with the cost of his critical partner wanting to remove the Ryan from Ryan. Yup. Ryan didn't feel "accepted as a man or as a person."
Come on, Ryan, you forgot to add "a man with a warrior's mentality and modern self-awareness, a poet or a Gladiator." Yup, that was from Ryan on his wedding day. Holy shizenhausen!
And while I'm about to pile on Jacqui, let me also remind you about the Warrior WankFest Ryan said about himself. "My presence is something special... people gravitate towards me... I look like I can perform athletically... I'm successful and strong."
The "as a person" comment from Ryan made Jacqui burst out laughing, and Expert John was not impressed and told Jacqui to get back in her box. Ryan went on to explain he'd spent the Homestay week "showing up" #ffsstopsayingthat, and Jacqui found things about Ryan's house, his sword, and his vacant vision board that were "distasteful," and she made a list of how to improve him which made him feel "belittled."
Disagreeing she saw Ryan as a special needs project who won't "compromise on anything!" Jacqui pouted she'd "compromised on everything!" Uh oh, Expert John was a little tetchy “Compromised? Really? Give us a list."
And here's the convo as best as I can recall #yourhonour.
JACQUI: Yeah.... ummmmm, the sleeping times! He doesn't like it if I wake up early!
RYAN: ***mumbles under breath*** "I said I didn't like it when you WOKE up."
EXPERT JOHN: MORE!
JACQUI: He leaves bowls in the sink! I let it go AND I LET him watch TV in the bedroom! ***giggles*** MASSIVE COMPROMISE.
JOHN: Ummmmmm okay, these situations are niche and ***looks up at Jacqui screwing her face up***.
JACQUI: ***suddenly crying hysterically*** "I'm idealistic and maybe unrealistic... I hold on to RESPECT and healthy communication... and NOT being yelled at. I hold him to account and it triggers him."
ME/THE MOB: OMFG WHAT?
RYAN: I'm drained! I apologised! It wasn't enough to meet your standards.
JACQUI: Why do you feel like that? Is it because I complain about things that are normal? ***CRIES*** I don't want to be scolded!
NORMAN THE WONDER WOOFER: Hahahhahahahaha faaaaaark this! ***I can read his clumsy paws sign language***.
MELANIA: You asked him why he didn't want to be great! That implies you're not embracing him.
JACQUI: ***leaning over and embracing Ryan in the most awkward hug known to man*** "I'll embrace him now" (yes, she did that part).
CROWD: Oh for the love of sweet baby cheeses.
MELANIA: So Jacqui, can you accept Ryan for the Ryan he is?
JACQUI: Ummmmm as a person? Sure, BUT only if he becomes a blonde and shaves his face
RYAN: ***in a soothing voice***Jacqui, I'm constantly watching every word I say, I'm analysed and dissected. Do you understand?
JACQUI: But I've forgiven you and stuff.
John put a halt to farkery by telling Jacqui, "It’s very clear what’s being said tonight, you berate him, put him down, you're critical and judgmental. I need you to think about that... Now let's go to the decision."
Ryan admitted he was genuinely struggling and wrote LEAVE which Jacqui took as a sign to try harder. "Ummm, yeah…I wanted to talk it out, it’s healthy communication. This is the first time I've heard him upset... ummm, so that’s why I wrote STAY so we can resolve things ... It's a rollercoaster! STAY BITCHES!!!"
Jacqui told Ryan he could "you can go, it's ok. I just wanted to talk." Ryan agreed they'd talk and what now? Ummmm Ryan, why TF didn't you take Jacqui up on her kind offer and just walk your dodgy warrior poet's arse out of the studio?
Jacqui had the last word outside to put her intellect on show. "It feels disappointing Ryan had wroten #herwordnotmine leave! I've compromised so much! I’ve tried to understand; he just shuts down. I think he’s not capable of healthy communication to see if we can make it happen one last time. I think he owes it to the relationship."
OK Sybil, one last go arouChannel 9en fck off down to Tassie, 'kay?
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips
Fi xx