Episode 31
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Welcome to MAFS Homestays, where magical things like growing a beard in 45 minutes IS possible #mafsmagic. Here's the update for Trash Bags, ep 31 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Well, our calamity of douche canoes were still out visiting the relo's, so let's do a quick round-up.
CARINA AND PAUL IN PERTH
Carina was trying to convince Paul to put his head under the waves a third time while mum Carmel stood in the shallows with a priest. #ibaptiseyou #jokescathos. And right there is where I'll leave them.
WHAT A COINCIDENCE/LOOK AT MY SHOULDERS RHI AND DEISDRE CHAMBERS JEFF
Catching one of those $29 6am flights, these two arrived in Melbourne where Rhi got to check out Jeff's apartment in daylight hours. Oh Rhi, you saucy minx, does that mean you only ever saw it at nighttime in your last 'relationship' with Jeff? Were you a wombat? #eatsrootsandleaves. Look, I really like these two and love that Jeff gave her a key to his place, but let's be honest, they're too nice to spend time on. Is that a sht thing to admit? Sure, but #noairtimeforyou.
AWHINA WARRIOR TWINCESS AND YO ADRIAN
Yo was confused about how picnic blankets worked and Awhina Warrior Twincess was "sad about the experiment coming to an end." Yo was optimistic about the future: "I do see her in my future - no point worrying about hurdles. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be," which was kinda Yoda sounding, mate. Are you sure your brother hasn't replaced you once again? Far out, can someone launch an official investigation to see if we've been punked by them? OMG, that would mean Awhina had been with a yo and a yo #yoyoshagger.
DAVE 2.O AND TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE IN MELBOURNE
Dave 2.O played with his gorgeous dog before meeting Jamie at the pub to reassure her he'd work on his emotional side #yawn
After lunch, Dave went home, packed his bag, played with his dog, and put some Rapid Grow fertilizer on his freshly shaved face. And wow, that stuff really works! Forty-five minutes later, with Woofy, the stuffed puppy dog in tow, Dave arrived at Jamie's where a full beard magically appeared on his face. #ahhhhhhmazinggrowth #mafsmagic
The next day, Jamie and Dave went to visit Dave's Dad Howard, who's been ill for the last four years, and I have to tell ya, this was my favourite #feelgood part of the show. Howard is on the improve and found out that two of his tumors shrunk and the third had completely gone. Freaking lovely news and if that's not enough to make the BFG Dave reappear once again, nothing will. #imnotcryingyouare.
INT IT BETH AND TEEJAY
These two arrived in Brisbane with the news they'd shagged. #goodtoknowmate and Teejay had "initiated it." Gosh, that 'emotional connection' Teejay was waiting for must have developed! Awwww, what a nice way to start Homestay - especially when Beth tells us, "I've always felt very used by other men after they get what they wanted." #uhoh
Aaaaaaand nope. Interrogated by Beth's family and bestie boo Darcey on how he felt about Beth, Teejay sounded like he was reading from that politician's handbook, How to Say Not Much While Saying A Bunch. "Yeah, I want it to transition and translate to a romantic relationship/we don't know what's on the horizon." Oh my Gawdddd mate. Darcey, her family, and EVERY fckn one of us can tell you're not into her (physically you were, I guess, but you know what I mean). So stop being a fame whore and tell her the truth, ffs. #youcanthandlethetruth.
Beth pulled Teejay aside for a chat and rightly questioned him on the second round of boofing. "You said you needed more emotional connection to get intimate, and we boofed, so.....wtf?" And Teejay, dropping his handbook, said, "Yeah, you wanted to sleep together, so I was just looking out for your needs." Oh Teejay, grab a medal and make your way to the top of the Dickhead Mountain and climb the podium. To prove he'd earned his climb, Teejay added, "Yeah well, I just figured I'd give it a go, but I'm not feeling the connection." Or maybe ya just wanted to stay for another week of likes. #lnothappyjan.
And then we get to the most dramatic freaking couple on the show.
JACQUI WITH A PEEN RYAN AND I COMPLETE ME JACQUI
Traveling over to the mysterious 'Southwest Suburbs of Sydney," we finally made our way to Ryan's house. We Immediately fell in love with his Wonder Woofer Freya of the Sad Eyes, and in 'WTF' with his 250-year-old Samurai Sword, the empty Vision board, and his parade of collectibles from his travels. Yup, Ryan is quite the collector of ummmm.....stuff.
Jacqui looked mortified and ran outside to give us the blurb of the night: "He isn't aware of how alone he is... It reminds me of the elderly. It was so sweet of him to be so confident. I just feel bad for Ryan."
I felt guilty that I laughed at the elderly comment, but come on Jac Jac Jacqui, don't feel sorry for the guy, he's living his best frat boy on downers life in his own home. #notanairbnb. Was it to my taste? Nah, but whatevs.
The only thing I agreed on with Jacqui tonight was letting Freya inside and giving her more lead when they walk. But what would I know? #nottoomuchreally. I know that structure is Ryan's thing, but holy shit, FREYA HAD THE SADDEST EYES EVER.
Within hours, Jacqui had written a list of chores for Ryan on "how to improve" his life, which mostly consisted of cleaning the Ryan out of Ryan. And come on dear readers, I'm so freaking over watching the ridiculousness of this pairing. I'm convinced Jacqui is just fcking with Ryan to see if he'll crack it completely. #gettingclose.
And to finish off the show with a bit of #dramallama, Jacqui and Ryan met up with Ryan's mates Adam and Karla, and Jacqui's friend Jett, who lost her tongue in a vicious pash-off in High School rendering her mute. Just jokes about her mate; she just didn't talk much #greatpashfesttragedyof2012.
Here's a quick rundown of the convo #asirecall.
KARLA: "Your honesty letter was appalling! I need context on what you wrote."
JACQUI: "Yeah. I can't remember, I've read 1000 non-fiction books since then." ***smiles at friend***
ADAM: "You attacked his character!"
JACQUI: "I'm concerned for his career path!" ***rolls eyes at friend*** “I'd be lent on as the primary financial source in New York!"
RYAN: "Don't demean me! I have a house, a sword, and a vision board!"
JACQUI'S MATE: "Ummmmmm." ***Jacqui rolls her eyes at her***
JACQUI: ***smiles*** He overreacted... I hit a nerve. He gets defensive when I attack him."
ADAM/KARLA: "You talk to him like sht!"
JACQUI: "He yells at me! Calm down."
ADAM: "You've been rude!"
KARLA: "Your behaviour is NOT OK."
RYAN: "Hey Jacqui, feedback is a gift."
ADAM: "Ryan was gypped in this experiment being matched with you!"
JACQUI: "I did not come here to be yelled at." ***nudges mate*** Let's go, my mute friend."
And they went outside where she #jacquicried, "I did not come here to be yelled at," as her friend clicked her damaged tongue in agreement.
Now look, I'm sure some people will say it was unfair to have a three against one scenario against Jacqui. But come on folks, Jacqui has been piling on Ryan with all of her Jacqui's the whole time. #howyoudoinsybil.
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips
Fi xx