Episode 32
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
I wanna be, all by myself Here's the update for Trash Bags, ep 32 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
It's the Dinner Party night, fckers, so strap yourself in as we check in on our little calamity of Douche Canoes;
Awhina Warrior Twincess likes Yo Adrian in her pink bits and in pink #soz. The OG BFG Dave decided to make an appearance after a little bit of perspective was thrown his way with his Dad's positive news. And nothing says 'I've got the feels for Jamie' quite like splashing cash on a $400 perfume for Twenty to Life Jamie #ismellguilt.
Int It Beth and Reality Retread Teejay communicated via interpretive dance about walking into the Dinner Party together as he was nervous. And so you should be, mate, falling over with your peen out and getting it stuck in Beth when you don't like her that way was a dck move. Speaking of peens, Jacqui with a Peen Ryan is keen for his relationship to be over "nothing can make this right between us" but I tell ya, he's copping an absolute flogging from an apology seeking I Complete Me Jacqui.
Ya see, Jacqui "did absolutely nothing wrong. It was an unjustified malicious attack on my heart... Just disgusting. Supporting him as my husband is a detriment to the world." I'm sure Jacqui thinks world hunger and poverty are up there in the 'detrimental to the world' stakes too; she probably just forgot to mention them. #inconceivable. Ryan can't do the "yo yo" anymore and mate, I think Awhina feels the same #yoyoshaggerawhina.
THE VOYEURS ROOM OF FARKERY
Expert John, Mel, and Melania sat in their pervy room watching the douche canoes arrive in their various stages of undress and they were pumped. "The cracks are showing!" Ummmm.... they were talking about the relationships, not the actual cracks but #whatevs.
THE ARRIVALS
The ummm 'nicest' couples arrived first to lull us into a false sense of security: Awhina Warrior Twincess and Yo Adrian, Deidre Chambers and What a Coincidence Rhi, the OG BFG and his expensive smelling wife, Twenty to Life Jamie, and Carina and Paul. Yup, everyone had a successful 'Homestay' and Dave was so excited he picked at a tooth while Carina told them her family considered Paul "already a son to us." Hmmmm... calm down there Mumma Carmel, I heard he slid into someone else's DMs the minute he got off the show #notsayingitstrue #butnotnotsayingitstrue.
Int It Beth arrived and I swear her hooded viper snuck out of her dress for a look around the room. #foofasaysno. While the girls, Jeff, and Yo Adrian were getting the goss on Teejay, we caught up with Jacqui in the back of her Uber. "I didn't come here to support evil! Ryan isn't self-aware at all." Aaaaand we flicked over to Ryan's car to listen to him sing "What a Wonderful World." #isitthough. Not content with that masterpiece, he switched tempo to Eric Carmen's "All By Myself." Man, this couple are so bad they're hilarious.
Jacqui walked in expecting a gaggle of "OMG Jacqui, how could a woman of your standard be alone! You poor lass!" Aaaaaaaaand no. Giving everyone her version of Ryan's friends' reactions to her letter, Jacqui explained, "They said I'd written stuff like Ryan couldn't provide for his family.... which I didn't do." Ummmmmm, yeah mate, ya did. Jeff piped up #pipeupchachi. "I heard the letter, but anyway." Expert John expertly observed that usually people get support when they walk in alone, but not the Jacqmeister #allbyherselfandherjacquis
Jacqui, digging in, added, "His friends were speaking to me like I was a dog and he said nothing.... he owes an apology and then he needs to make it up to me." Before #jacquilaughing. Far out, has someone pimped a couple of pills into Jacqui's booze? This can't be real. Nek minute, Ryan walked in and Jacqui beelined in for her apology and he was having none of it. "I'm feeling fresh and looking fresher!" 'Cause you know, he'd shown up in his "sharpest suit... like a Gladiator!" There was no freaking way he was going to apologise. "I have nothing to be sorry for!" #maybethegladiatorcomment.
Then our favourite visa waiving waiter came in, clinked a glass, and saved the day. "Zeeeeeeee Dinnnnnnnnnnner is seeeeeeervedddd!" #loveyoumiguel.
THE DINNER PARTY
Jeff, who we all know should have been called The Instigator of Mayhem, waited 21.2 seconds for everyone to be seated before inciting the onslaught of madness. "So, Jacqui and Ryan, what gives?"
And it was on. And when I say 'it,' I have no fckn idea exactly what happened. Let's just say, we all got Jac jac Jacquied. It was like watching two cockroaches on crack in a fight to the death in a miniature boxing ring. You have no idea what the fck you're watching but you watch it anyway with creepy fascination. I know that made no sense, but I'm okay with it.
Jacqui asked Ryan to go outside and he wanted none of it, 'cause you know, it's safer with an audience. #iwillfindyou. Ryan, exasperated and wavering on the edge explained the following points to the group:
-The facial hair - Jacqui said "it's not what happened."
-The 'small brain' comment - Jacqui said "that's not what happened."
-The instructional whiteboard on getting rid of the Ryan out of Ryan - Jacqui said "it's not how it went."
-Jacqui telling Ryan how to raise his Freya - no comment but #letfreyainsidemore.
He admitted his friends raised their voices as they were protective of him after Jacqui accused him of being financially destitute - Jacqui denied it before yelling, "THEY YELLED AT ME! AND ADAM WAVED HIS ARMS AROUND!" and the mob started giggling.
Jeff called Jacqui out for lying, Yoda said she thought she "was too good for Ryan," and my favourite Jacquiism came out. "I'VE NIVER IVER IVER said this man isn't good enough for me.... I just have high standards! I was YELLED AT!" Aaaaaaaand Jacqui started laughing, making everyone's little chocolate starfishes pucker up in fright. #collectivepuckering.
The only thing Jacqui owned up to was being "too honest and not walking Freya the way you wanted." Yup, Jacqui, the admitter of truth, that's all you've done. #hahahahahahah.
OKAY, I have to move on from these two and get to the vocal "darling, darling, darling" Teejay who seemed to have released his bowels and kick-started his bullshit-o-meter into overdrive. Yup, Beth clearly expressed her feelings, questioned why he'd boofed her, if he didn't have that 'deeper soul connection' that he banged on about on the Couch of Farkery. Oh yeah, and why did he go to Brisbane? Ummm Beth, I can answer that one for you. #freeholiday #socialmedialikes.
The mob got a little testy about a groom who wouldn't be honest about his feelings #heydavehowyoudoin. So Teejay 'Darling' bombed Beth to ummm....Darlingtown. It was nauseating and pretty freaking condescending.
What’s Darling bombing? I'm glad you asked; he added the word 'Darling' to EVERY single sentence. "What now, darling? No you didn't, darling! Without your ring, darling!" Jamie, the funster who loves a sherbie, suggested a drinking game: "Take a drink whenever he says darling."
Shitfaced in 5 minutes. Darling x 12 and Babe x 5. Seriously dude, never heard you say it before... Even the Experts in their pervy room had a drink #ofwater #orwasitvodkajohnnyboy.
Beth felt a "bit mindfcked to be honest" and took Darling Teejay (new nickname) outside to let him know it was OK to be g.... oh shit, that it was OK to write LEAVE. "If you don't want to be here, that's fine!" and man, I liked the way she approached it. But old mate Teejay wants to stay until the end of the show as his next reality TV gig doesn't start for a few weeks
Jacqui, in a last-ditch effort to get Ryan back on the #Jacquitrain, took a reluctant Ryan outside #withnowitnesses as he'd started humming All By Myself again. On the way out, she had a quick word to us. "I think the letter I wrote was mean. Not mean, but truth! I didn't realise I hurt him so much." The Experts knew what was happening. "He's detached and she's just cottoned onto it. She's desperate to hold on." DO YA THINK!
Far out, I'll finish off with their convo:
JACQUI: "What a healthy convo tonight. Are you sorry?"
RYAN: "Nope. You said horrible things about me."
JACQUI: "I'm doing this for the better of us. I'm giving you an opportunity to be better!"
RYAN: "Not everything is a coachable moment."
JACQUI: "I'm not going to listen to you do things that are below standard... why don't you want to be someone GREAT?"
EXPERTS: "HOLY SHIZENHAUSEN!"
RYAN: "Can't you see that's insulting? You're judgmental and hypercritical." #andtapped. "You can't give me what I want and that's acceptance." **blinks ‘help me’ in Morse code***
JACQUI: **holding his hand as she realized he was goneski**"Is there anything **waves at her body**here that you want to spend more time with?"
RYAN: **remembering the BJs for a second and shaking his head** “I don't want to go through more of this."
Ryan then tried a different approach and held her hand to talk sensibly so she'd understand. "Wouldn't you rather find someone that meets your standards?" And Jacqui, being Jacqui replied, "There's no one that meets my standards."
That'll do donkey, that'll do.
Jacqui, needing the last word to try and salvage some form of sympathy from us, sniffled a #jacquicry. "I want to keep working on this relationship! My honesty and effort is what drove him away. I can't believe I'm losing Ryan. I don't lose people; people lose me."
And Jacqui, maaaaaaaate, consider yourself officially lost by me.
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips!
Fi xx