Episode 30
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Well, buy me flowers and watch me #jacquicry right there at the till in the flower shop. Here's the update for Trash Bags, ep 30 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
It's Homestay week, and before our calamity of douche canoes take advantage of the Jetstar weekend sale, let's check in to see what they're up to.
Int It Beth hopes Dave 2.0 can overcome his tendency to "run away when a person gets too serious," and Reality Retread Teejay yelled, "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU FROM THIS END OF THE COUCH!" Yup, these two are really #connectedemotionally.
Across the hall, drinking his herbal tea, Deidre Chambers Jeff was also hopeful the BFG would come back as his bride. What a Coincidence/Look at my Shoulders Rhi—did a quick infomercial for Chemist Warehouse. Come on, folks, we all fckn know if there's a brand that's legible in a piece to camera, it's a dodgy ad. #lookwhatibought
Down the hall, Twenty to Love Jamie was hugging her little dinosaur as Dave 2.0 arrived with two bunches of servo flowers. Yup, there was a 2 for 1 sign out the front of the servo, and Dave worked out it was for the flowers and not #jamieandveronica. Dave has had a change of heart and 'knew what he had to do.' Yup. Dave went in, looking like he was reading the back of a tampon packet, and apologised to Jamie. #insertfeelingsmate
Paul was still taking off his bus driver's uniform after running Carina over #multipletimes, and Jacqui with a Peen Ryan was pumped about showing off his "antique samurai sword" to I Complete Me Jacqui. Yup, ol' mate was keen to show off his apartment that is "decorated like a lone wolf" to Jacqui, who in turn wanted to know if he had a "croquet set." Yup, this Homestay is going to be fckg riveting. #anyoneelseforharikari
Then we get to Yo Adrian—not Yoda—who wasn’t nervous at all about catching up with Cleo, Awhina Warrior Twincess's twin sister in Perth. "Your sister should be nervous." Ummmm, no mate. I'm also sure the smartest decision Awhina made since being on the show was deciding NOT to introduce her son to the enunciating vibrator she was taking home to Perth.
Awhina Warrior Twincess and Yo Adrian in Perth
Yo seemed completely unimpressed with Awhina's 'find a fire' neon sign in her bedroom #foundit, Awhina's baking capabilities or the fact she won't admit being taken to Nando's on a date was enough. Yup, Yo actually wants an apology from Cleo, AND DUDE, IT'S NOT FCKNG HAPPENING. Far out, just when I was buying into Yo’s newfound coherent wisdom, he fcks it up by going back to being a dck.
Catching up at Awhina's mum's house for lunch, Sister Cleo was genuinely surprised these two are still together. "So far, it feels negative and fake to me." Do ya think, chicka? Yo asked Cleo if her feelings were just based on the "negatives" she heard as opposed to some of the positives "like Nandos." I shit you not, dear readers—Nandos. #hahahahahahfark.
Checking to see the depth of Yo's feelings, Cleo asked if he'd consider moving to Perth for Awhina. Yo immediately said, "Is she willing to move to Sydney?” Doubling down after Cleo said, "My nephew's life is in Perth," Yo, stumped for a millisecond, said, "My life is in Sydney." Ummm…she has a child, and I’m pretty sure she can’t JUST move. Talk about the emotional intelligence of a gnat.
And then we had the moment of the night, and I have to say, I burst out laughing. Cleo talked to the camera, "I do think Adrian has a way with words." Hahahaha! Yes mate, he has a way with words, alright. #thewrongwaybutstill
Yo kept it going, "Yeah, the last time you saw me, Awhina hadn't been crying...she'd just been sleeping." Ummmm...yes mate, if she'd been sleeping AFTER crying her eyes out. Far out, her eyes were as puffy as Carina’s sleeves! Norman, my wonder woofer, did his famous contemptuous fart of disgust and left the room just as Cleo clapped back at him: "We both read, and I'm looking at you as a chapter in her life; I just don't see you as the ending." #boom
Carina and Paul in Perth
Over at Carina's house, Carmel, her mum, welcomed Paul with a crucifix on his bed and a quick prayer before bed. You see, Paul will be sleeping alone, as Carina's fambam "believe in the sanctity of marriage, and in the eyes of the church, they're not yada yada." Ok, Carmel, I respect that, but please don't watch MAFS and be disappointed that your daughter accidentally slipped and fell on a peen over the last few weeks. #sweetbabycheeses
Carina's naughty Aunty Maria showed up to give us a quick religion reprieve before Carmel jumped in, spraying her with holy water and saying a prayer. Look, I love that they're religious; I do! Love that for them! But I think we all saw Paul cross his fingers behind his back when he said he's "open to Catholicism." #nochurchforpaul
I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui with a Peen Ryan in Manly
Okay, surely these two are just pulling the absolute pss? #dontcallmeshirley. Jacqui welcomed Ryan into her #airbnb and, in a bid for some Homestay "fun and lightheartedness," squealed, "No shoes on my bed!" before picking at Ryan about not being "manly" with his beard. That's it, Jacqui, chip the 'modern man' for his facial hair; he'll love that.
When he looked bewildered and wouldn't contemplate shaving, Jacqui did a Jacqui: "You can't compromise! You can't conversate as your brain is too small." And no, that wasn't a typo. She said ‘conversate’ AGAIN. #lookatthebigbrainonjacqui
They argued outside for a while, with Ryan finally getting tetchy, saying, "You have a victim mentality! I don't want your condescending coaching moments!" And I did it before I could even stop myself... I raised my right arm like I was Bender at the end of The Breakfast Club before humming the Rocky theme. #dadadadadaaadadadadaaaaa
Next minute, Jacqui took Ryan to her "favourite florist" in Manly as some weird test to see if Ryan would pay for her flowers. The florist, not recognising her favourite client, corrected Jacqui on some difficult flower names: "It's a R O S E," before Jacqui stood at the cash register with Ryan behind her. Awks. Ryan waited approximately 51 seconds before paying for the flowers, and Jacqui—RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FCKN FLORIST—put her head on his shoulder and cried. Far out, lucky it was her favourite florist, hey? #dontworryitsjustjacqui
Twenty to Life Jamie and Dave 2.0 in Melbourne on the Last Minute Homestay Compromise
OK, so they went to Melbourne anyway as the production staff forgot to pay the extra $10 for the refundable tickets. #rookieerror. Jamie was devastatingly upset in her apartment, and Dave was stoked at his house as he got to play with his dog. I have to say, I LOVE a man that loves his dog. Agggggh STOP IT, FI! IT'S NOT THE BFG DAVE; IT'S DAVE 2.0. #butlookathisdog
Meeting Jamie's sister Georgia for an interrogation over Greek food the next day, Dave was doing an awkward "cheers! Look me in the eyes!" to Jamie with a coffee as Georgia opened the conversation: "Are you falling in love with Jamie?" Dave stumbled through his response, "I really care about her. I don't want to give up... she's amazing... I have to work on expressing my feelings... It's confusing!"
Georgia wrinkled her nose with the smell of BS, saying, "It's fcking simple. You have great respect, but it’s not romantic... Let's be honest, it's not a relationship; it's a friendship. I don't think you want to take her home and rip her clothes off." #youmayberightexpertgeorgia
Then Georgia turned her gaze onto her sister: "I can't watch you struggle again. He's literally shown you like 20% and you're all 'love!'" Looking at Dave, she continued, “She's always been with someone who can convince her she's in a good relationship when she's not."
Far out, Expert Georgia; maybe you should go and have a word with all the other twatwaffles on this show as well, yeah?
Alright, I'm off to go and watch Scott Taylor to see if I smashed it tonight with the body language of these knobs.
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips!
Fi xx