Episode 29
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
The Trash Train pulled over to kick a couple off at Dumpsville, Population 2 tonight. Here's the update for Trash Bags, ep 29, on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Married At First Sight Australia
Before we get to the Couch of Farkery, let’s catch up with our calamity of douche canoes and see what they're up to:
Everyone was still mourning the loss of The BFG Dave and the shock of his replacement, Dave 2.0. Deidre Chambers Jeff and What a Coincidence Rhi were still coupled up, and down the hall, Yo Adrian was continuing down the Yoda track about Dave 2.0: "He doesn’t want to sleep with her and, more importantly, he doesn’t even like her."
Holy shizenauzen, I think Yoda might be onto something #yodayodaing
Across the hall, Jacqui with a Peen Ryan and I Complete Me Ryan were lighting candles at their selfie shrine, and man, these two #killme
Carina still felt “let down” by Paul and he seemed confused by this. I mean, he’d shared the 'ick' letter with “only one person” and mate, it may have only been Awhina Warrior Twincess, but half of Australia heard it too, ya dimwit.
One L Eliot realised there was no "way to reconcile" with Actress Veronica as "she fcking hates me," and yes mate, she absolutely does. #noactingthere
Down the hall, Twenty to Life Jamie sat forlornly as the producers ran us through a montage of the OG BFG Dave being, you know, BFGish with all that warm and fuzzy stuff he used to do until Dave 2.0 moved in. #andveronicamovedout.
At the Dinner Party, the last thing we saw was Dave saying, "I've handled this badly. I want to fight for this... I’d be happy to." Yup.
So Jamie waited patiently for the whole, "Yeah, soz babe, I might not be at that love stage with you, but I do really like you. Here, have some flowers and a cup of tea. I understand being devoid of emotion probably wasn't the best, but I was a bit scared of the 'I love you' thing. Let's move on, and I'm sorry if I hurt you."
OR MAYBE EVEN "Yeah Chicka, I've had a think, and I'm just not into you. Sorry for leading you on and not having the cajones to tell you earlier. Let me give you a hug and then I’ll fck off! Coolio??"
Fark, that would have been a simple thing to do because let's be honest, us chicks don't really expect that much EXCEPT for, you know, honesty.
But is that what Dave 2.0 did? Ummmmm…. no, he came in all pssd off. "Just because you're jumping to demands doesn't mean I'm going to do it!"
And Jamie responded, "You came in last night wanting to fight for me. Fight for me, homeboy... why did you give me some bullshit excuse last night telling the table you'll fight for us? Was that to look like a hero? Stop fcking with me because my feelings are real, and it's not fair." #yeahmate #wedontneedanotherhero
And can I just say if "fight for me, homeboy" doesn't find its way onto a T-shirt within 10 minutes, something is seriously wrong #onsalenow
Dave left, and Jamie told us and her fish children, "I knew he was lying. Last night he fckd it up. There is no chance of me writing 'STAY' tonight, whatsoever." Oh my gaaawd, there's going to be a vicious custody battle for those fish kids. #nemoasaweapon
Oh yeah, and in that long-winded intro, I didn't forget "Int It" Beth and Reality Retread #2 Teejay; they just didn't bother showing them. #oopsadaisy
THE COUCH OF FARKERY
As soon as they all sat down, Expert John looked around and said, "A number of you haven't been open and honest at the previous Couch of Farkery Ceremonies—open up and let us in tonight." #oooooohjohndoesgetin.
First up on the couch was:
Awhina Warrior Twincess and Yo Yoda Adrian
These two are "going good," and after the first sexual innuendo, I stopped listening. We get it, Awhina, he's now a coherent vibrator. #soallgood
BOTH STAY
One L Eliot and Actress Veronica
Veronica opened the couch session with a fairly unconvincing story of how ol' mate One L spends his days baiting her into losing her mind. One L said it was "blatant lies," and we went back and forth about who baited who.
Mehhhh, I'm firmly #teameliot as was Yoda Adrian: "I actually quite liked you at the retreat. I thought you were a pretty cool chick. Then you come back here at the Dinner Party, and you’re a different person. You say things that don’t make sense to us or Eliot, and we actually don’t know you. That’s why no one can believe a word you’re saying."
Da da daaaaaaaaaaaa! Yoda strikes again.
Rhi even admitted she'd had a great time with Eliot playing card games, and Veronica, sneering, said, "He’s never taught me card games." Yup.
And to Eliot, she added, "That's weird; you've never said you like games." What? The crowd erupted into a list of games Eliot loves: "Connect 4! Chess! Cards!" and Veronica said, "Nah." OMFG VERONICA, WE ALL KNOW HE'S A GAMES NERD!
The Experts intervened, "One of you is lying. We have no idea what the hell is going on, but what I do know is one of you is lying." Da da daaaaaaa! "Veronica, when you address Eliot, there’s a disdain in your voice—the respect is gone."
Eliot agreed Veronica "hated his guts," and Veronica threw her ***pew pew pew*** eye lasers at him with a whispered, "Fck off, you games freak." Next, she smiled at the Experts, adjusted her lasers, and looked back at Eliot, ***pew pew***, "I don't hate you... sorry you feel that way." #liarliarhighpantsonfire
BOTH LEAVE with Eliot saying, "I've learned that you can't judge a book by its cover." Now, that may have come across as an acknowledgement of his learning to some people, but I'm pretty sure it was just a great big fck off to Veronica.
I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui with a Peen Ryan
Ryan let the Experts know he was offended by half of Jacqui's letter, and Jacqui, being Jacqui, jumped in: "He’s closed off to solo parenting with his goals, plans, ambitions. I need equal opportunity! What if I was in New York for work six months? What if I’m in a coma and need my husband to step up to the plate? Every way is his way! The temperature! The couch!"
Jacqui explained that "feedback is a gift!" And I tell ya, every time I say something sht to ANYONE, I'm just gonna add, "Sorry, not sorry, feedback is a gift!"
Ryan got #emo #chanel and did a Johnson and Johnson Jacqui cry. #nomoretears And WHAT AM I DOING WRITING ABOUT THEM ANYMORE?
BOTH STAY
Int It Beth and Reality Retread Teejay
Mehhh, I feel like we watched this exact convo last week. Beth feels like Teejay isn't attracted to her as they've boofed once, and nothing has happened since.
Melania Alessandra questioned Teejay, who put it down to wanting to focus on the "emotional aspects" that he's neglected in his past relationships. Is he attracted to her? Not sure, but last time I checked, if a bloke IS into you and he's already swung a leg, that leg wants to keep swinging. #justsayin.
BOTH STAY
Deidre Chambers Jeff and What a Coincidence/Look at My Shoulders Rhi
Jeff Rey—the couple! And far out, why did it take me this long to work out their names are, in fact, Jeff's name in full? #mindblown. These guys are happy and will probably be the only ones to make it beyond six months of the 'experiment.' So again, no airtime for you.
BOTH STAY and did anyone else notice Jacqui's slow clap?
Paul and Carina
Paul banged on about the honesty letter's "feedback didn’t go as expected," and it raised "concerns." He explained Carina "judges people quickly at times" and how her use of the word 'calibre' triggered him.
Carina explained she was in the wrong but felt she "was in a safe place," and, "I can’t fully trust him right now." Paul shook his head and seemed genuinely surprised the Experts didn't back him up. Instead, they asked if he had a "sensitivity chip missing," and he responded, "I am feeling a bit hurt." WHAAAT?
Expert John jumped in: "You’re missing the point and lacking emotional intelligence. You’re not reading the room. For you to go to Awhina just smacks of thinking about yourself and nobody else. When you say things like that, it throws grenades and blows your relationship up." #onyajohnnyboy
Paul nodded in agreement: "Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to." Ohhhhhhh, so you get it when another guy says you were in the wrong? Got it.
BOTH STAY
Twenty to Life Jamie and Dave 2.0
I'm just going to give you my version of this. It's pretty close to what happened, just shortened 'cause nothing has changed really since the Dinner Party and the start of this recap.
The Experts leaned in: "Dave 2.0, what the actual fark have you done with The BFG Dave? You know, the one we’ve seen at the last five Couch of Farkerys? Dave 2.0 is cold, detached, and non-validating”
Dave explained the whole 'I love you' thing from Jamie scared him and that his "walls were up!" Blah blah Dave, stop with the walls thing, faaaaark. Then he went on, "Yeah, it’s not like I don’t like having sex with her!"
Dude, ummmmmm what? Maybe try saying something like "I LIKE having sex with her!" Far out, Dave 2.0, talk about a dead giveaway. You've checked out, and that's OK, BUT TELL THE FARKING TRUTH!
Alessandra pursued Dave: "Do you have romantic feelings for Jamie?" And Dave looked at the roof, paused, gulped, and said, "Ummmm I think I do." YOU THINK? "Yeah, it's something I really need to work on." #yawn
Jamie wasn't convinced the OG BFG Dave really existed and asked him, "How the hell are you going to convince me this wasn't a fake relationship?" And again, Dave looked up, down, and stared at the Experts until John felt compelled to fill in the silence:
Expert John: "What do you think cold, disconnected, uncaring Dave 2.0 has done to Jamie?"
Dave 2.0:"Ummm.... destroyed her?"
Expert John:"Give me more."
Dave 2.0: "Ummmm... heartbroken?"
Expert John: "MORE!"
Dave: "Ummmmmmmm......"
Dave was uncomfortable and admitted he'd handled it wrong: "I have to get out of my own head and think about Jamie." DO YA FCKING THINK, MATE? John told him to get his sht together lickety split, and Dave apologised to Jamie.
Dave 2.0 wrote STAY and Jamie, completely forgetting what she'd told us and her fish children earlier, also WROTE STAY.
Expert John had the last word: "Dave, you talk about fear and your walls going up, and frankly, it bores me."
And yes mate, I felt a bit the same about the whole night if I'm being honest. #trythatdave #andveronica
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips!
Fi xx