Episode 3
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Welcome to our first major stop at Non-Negotiable Tanty Town where one of the more painful passengers will be leaving us #hooroo Here’s the Update for Trash Bags, ep 3 for the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Straight up we do the rounds to the Honeymoons to see what’s shaking: Love at Second Sight Carina and Casper the Ghoster Paul are “walking on a romantic bubble” And I think we all know that a bubble just needs a little prick to burst it so #heypaulheytim
I made it to the Whitsundays just in time to see BFG Dave chuckling over Twenty to Life Jamie‘s clothes copping an accidental tanning in her suitcase. I don’t care what you all think, I love the BFG Dave and Twenty to Life Jamie together.
Then I went to see the couples that put me in a foul mood. Yup, the walking red flag One L Eliot was still banging on about his non-negotiables and honestly dude, what’s it like only having one available hand at all times? #selflover 50’s Wannabe housewife was a bit over it but come on Chicka, having Tamara in your life should have made you incredibly resilient by now don't ya think?
And to finish the intro, we come to Protect Her at All Costs Katie and Half Price Tool Tim. You know Tim, the man who literally cock blocked himself for life on national telly....See mate, those pesky microphones sharing your shite personality traits will fck you up every single time. And just to give us more fodder, he did the backwards cap to match a dodgy tracksuit in an attempt to impress all the ladies watching the show #eshaytool Far out, he's an actual bubble popper. And honeslty Katie, what in all hell were you thinking going on the Honeymoon and giving this guy more airtime???
THE MATCH UPS
Our Experts have run at about a ummmm ***thinks hard*** ummmm a 0.859% success rate in matching people who end up together. *I don't know the actual figure but just thought i'd sound a little factual.
Anywho, we're introduced to Awhina (rhymes with Athena) Warrior Twincess and by the way, do you know she's a twin? Yup, our Twincess is a single mum with a matching sister and these two come as a set. From sunup to sun down, these two are together. Yup. They're twins doing twin things in twin ways. #wowareyoutwins
Awhina is looking for someone who will encourage her to grow...Enter YO! Adrian (soz, but I'm old enough to picture Rocky Balboa "yo, Adrian”) a guy with a penchant for self awareness books, selling sports bags online and having a twin. Oh my GAWD, like, he's a twin with a bestie boo from birth tooooooo. and THEY have "identical twin sisters!" Far our Awhina, we'll take your two and raise you two x two. #competitivetwinning
Next up we meet self confessed mummy's boy Billy, a Pom who recently wrote and directed his own show called baby Reindeer. Just jokes folks, but Baby Reindeer Billy it is. Billy is looking for a "best friend' who won't talk over his mum's stories about young Billy "he used to say tup of tea!" and wants a family yada yada.
Billy is matched with Reality Retread Sierah, a financial planner who comes across as "confident and outspoken" but is really "just a nice person who wants to be loved" Yup, Sierra had a crack at love on the Bachelor a few years back and now she's on here. soooooo.....I know I seem harsh but come on, there's only a few podcast host positions available for reality folk and you've had your crack Sierah. Together they seem nice but I'm a bit mehhhh.
Our Experts mumbled a few of their key experty words like 'walls! Aligned morals! Values!" and my eyes glazed over #hushyouthree
THE WEDDINGS
AWHINA WARRIOR TWINCESS AND YO! ADRIAN
The producers had the big funster idea of showing each set of twins learning something new: the girls had to open a bottle of bubbles and the boys learned how to tie a tie. Far out, you just can't get more riveting telly than that. We watched as the twins realised they were marrying twins and HAVE I MENTIONED THEY'RE FCKG TWINS? #notliterallyfckgjustanexpression Awhina was annoyed Adrian "was soo hot!" as, you know, "women are just going to want to steal him away" I think you'll be ok there with Tirian Lanister Chicka, just watch him on the booze #yesiwasaGOTfan.
During the vows, Adrian confessed he had a "six month old......***audible gasp from the girls*** Aussie Shepherd! hahaha Don't worry, I don't have kids" Yo, Yo! Adrian, WTF? Awhina was all "ooooh, maybe he doesn't want a kid...I'm going to have that convo!" Oh my Lord, I saw this EXACT fckg episode of MAFS a few years ago, get new writer's folks
REALITY RETREAD SIERAH AND BABY REINDEER BILLY
Sierah’s sister taught me something that seems so freaking logical it hurts. When you have tears and fresh makeup, "you cry forward as the tears will drop to the floor" Far out, I’m the idiot that looks to the sky, 'cause the tears will roll back into your head. Sigh. No Fi, the tears just pool in your eyes and fck up your mascasra. Who says you don't learn things from MAFS? Hmmmmm?
Oh yeah back at the altar, these two seemed to hit it off with Baby Reindeer getting on bended knee to propose (spoiler, she said yes) Billy and Sierah did the standard "open and vulnerable" vows and they kissed. Yup, I don't mean to cut these two short but I'm a bit skeptical for some reason.
THE RECEPTIONS
Sierah and Billy fed each other while Mumma Reindeer looked on with approval....aaaaand that was pretty much it so I can only assume their reception was either a) as boring as batshit or b) the editing team couldn't wait to get to One L Eliot's dramatic walkout.
AWHINA AND ADRIAN
The twins of the twins chatted and James asked Cleo if Awhina "had a kid" Cleo, thinking fast on her feet and not wanting to give her sister's business away said "I don't know" hahahaha that was actually funny. Just when Awhina was about to yell "YO, ADRIAN, I HAVE A KID!" We heard a clink of glasses and the speeches began #whatacoincidence.
Up popped Awhina's mum and stepdad "we are so proud yada yada aaaaaaaaand she's a great mother...." I literally heard the sound of Adrian's little chocolate starfish puckering up in fright. Awhina called 'TIME OUT' on the speeches, and took Adrian outside
Ooooooh noooooo....Gosh, it's almost as if this has a formula to it. Adrian mumblefcked his way through "I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't know how I feel about that" before having a change of heart inside "I have an open mind...I'm not fully closed off! I'm committed to being open and vulnerable" And you know he was literally spoon fed that exact line 30 fckng seconds earlier by a smiling assassin producer. Now WTF MAFS, surely you ask someone if they're ok with kids yeah? #ohwaititsmafsdramallama
THE HONEYMOONS
The next morning Reality Retread Sierah and Baby Reindeer Billy went off to Perisher while Awhina, Warrior Twincess in her scary af face mask went off to Fiji with Yo! Adrian.
Annnnnd then we caught up with the human red flag himself, One L Eliot who was reading through his non-negotiables while judging his Wannabe 50's Housewife Lauren. Man, this show just keeps scraping the absolute bottom of the barrell when it comes to people. Eliot was desperately looking for a way to dramatically leave the show and here's a quick rundown of his convo's with Lauren
ELIOT: You want kids?
LAUREN: Yes, one.
ELIOT: Ahhh see, my top list of hates is someone that only wants one kid. AND you like material things like handbags and holidays
LAUREN: Ummmm yes but...
ELIOT *** furiously scribbles on his list*** See, it says I'm fearful of people with handbags. It's a non negotiable ***flicks hair***
LAUREN: but you just wrote that down!
ELIOT: WHAT? ***scribbles again*** and look, it says I don't want someone with a name that starts with an L and ends in N and rhymes with ummm...FLOREN! NON NEGOTIABLE! ***flicks hair***
LAUREN: but you made a commitment!
ELIOT: Yeah, I gave it a shot ***looks in mirror*** how you doin'? ***flicks hair***
Aannnnnnd he left. Yup, he packed his bags full of materialistic shit and left Lauren heartbroken. You see, it usually takes weeks on MAFS to grow your online business. Damn you One L!
That was all she wrote
Toodle Pips!
Fi xx