Episode 2
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Sorry it’s late but I’m a tad freaking cranky tonight. Here's the Update for Trash Bags episode 2, on the manufactured Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Yup. This episode actually pissed me off but more on that later...
We do a quick round up on the Honeymooners from last night: Love at Second Sight Carina and Casper the French Ghoster Paul woke up after a night of "no intimacy" in Vanuatu #noshagginghere Paul mumbled something about Carina ticking "all" his boxes and come on mate, didn't you have those same boxes eight months ago when you met her the first time? #ormaybewhenyouwereonthatothershow
Meanwhile, over in rainy town we discover Johnno from last season's ex, Wannabe 50's Housewife Lauren fixing a cuppa for One L Eliot who lay in bed with his hand on his teeny tiny......ummmm…checklist of non-negotiables. You see, our walking red flag had ordered a bride younger than him like "under 30...and I WON'T compromise!" So don't mate #offyoufck
THE MATCH UPS
Protect Her At All Costs Katie and Tim **soon to be named**
Katie is one of those rare species we rarely get to see on MAFS: a genuine, intelligent, insecure bundle of 10 years without love, Love. She runs a successful social enterprise and splits the profits with those "doing it tough" , has beautiful parents and I have to tell ya, a hideous ex boyfriend who told her to lose weight. #thanksgodshelostyoumate. Katie is looking for someone genuine and if farkery touches her #lookout
Katie is matched with Tim, remember Tim? The one at the Buck's Party who spoke about "feelings" and came across as a really in touch #emo #chanel guy? Tim is a primary school PE teacher who "definitely came in with a open mind" is ready to be a hubster and a father and awwwwww this sounds like a lovely match #grumblegrumble
Next up we meet Dave, a 6 foot 6, tattoo covered big friendly giant #thereishisnickname who wants to feel seen, heard and accepted by a lass with a "big personality". A lass who can also bring him out of his tall, inked up shell. The BFG Dave wants to make "Sunday morning pancakes" with his love match and come on Ladies, I heard you swoon out there #orwasitamoan.
BFG Dave's love match is "Greek As Fck" Twenty to Life Jamie, an avid lover of coconut water, David Beckham, and has a list of non negotiables far less disturbing than ol' mate One L Eliot's "He can't drive a hatchback, has to drink coffee and smell nice" #thegreeknoseknows Jamie has a portfolio of "love bombers, narcissists, ghosters and emotionally unavailable men" in her past and honestly Chicka, didn’t you just describe pretty much EVERY Groom on MAFS? Moving on...Jamie wants someone different and described Dave to a tee so MAYBE, JUST MAYBE the Experts listen #everynowandagain
Speaking of the Experts, they all sat in the photo room of farkery touching themselves with happiness at their matches #soznotrue
THE WEDDINGS
TIM AND PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS KATIE
Katie had the tremors prior to the wedding and was supported by her lovely bridesmaids and really, that bloody pescatarian from last night could have learned a few lessons from them #lessonsforthepescatarian
We then see Tim chatting to his bestie boos and wow, they've really smashed the match on this couple...OK, I have to rush through this as I have the absolute filthies about being fooled by Tim.
I CAN'T write about how lovely the ceremony was AND IT WAS, as Tim has me too riled up. Yup, you read that right. Mr "I’m a Nice Guy” Tim who had no type, banged on about feelings, is a 'caring guy" yada yada was not happy. Straight after the "I Do" he came out and told us "there was no spark!" Yup. This twatty twatwaffle went over to a producer "WHAT TF? It's just not what I wanted...Not good"
Ummmm what? Oh oh oh oh oh #andnotinagoodohway You see, this mthrtrucker had ordered a 'short, petite blonde' and instead got an intelligent, curvaceous, kind and generous fckn bombshell who is FAR too good for him. Yeah Tim, good luck with all the primary school mums who watched MAFS tonight picking up their kids next week #whenmumsattack Tim is DEFINITELY a TOOL and should be on exhibit at Stihl as the tool of the week #liarliarbigpantsonfire #halfpricetim
TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE AND THE BFG DAVE
Just before the wedding, Dave had an emotional phone call with his dad who is sick with cancer and Jamie had an emotional limo ride with her sister after witnessing a bin chicken. I already like these two and lucky for that as I was ready to go all Volkanovski on MAFS if we had more twats in the same episode. One twat per ep is generally enough to deal with #untilthedinnerparties
Jamie squealed in tatt lover's delight when she saw Dave's neck tattoo at the altar "SOLD SOLD SOLD!" and pointed out her "trash bag" toenails to her highly amused groom. Yup, the BFG ordered a big personality and that's exactly what he got.
Dave's vows included "long arms, long legs and.....a big heart" and Jamie was chuffed and wanted "to climb him like a tree" At the photo shoot, Jamie rapid fired 3007 questions at a smiling Dave and these two are just what I needed to soften the shit on my liver from Half Price Tool Tim
Back over at Protect Her At All Costs Katie and Half Price Tool Tim's photo shoot Tim was muttering about his order "I don't judge a book by it's cover, but I wanted a skinny blonde" OK dude, hush now, the adults are watching. #offyoufckwithoneL Tool recoiled from a hug request from Katie AND NO MORE, I CAN'T DO IT. #slapskeyboard
THE RECEPTIONS
At Katie and Tool's Reception, Tim tried to restore the nice guy image by working the room but Tim....maaaaate, we know. You can't hide from us when you're wearing a microphone, a piss poor attitude and your pants on fire #liarliar Katie felt his unease and pulled him aside for a fireside chat to uncover his true feelings Here's their chat #kindasortabutnotaccurate
Katie: How did you feel when you saw me?
TOOL; I had such an open mind I tried not to think too much **winks at camera**
KATIE" you recoiled from me
TOOL: Oh, that wasn't my intention...it's been a lot. And when I say a lot I mean ummmmmm I'm just ummmm....
ME: OH FCK OFF
KATIE TO US: I'm glad you don't think i'm hideous
TOOL:
TOOL TO US: Yeah, it's hard to be honest.
ME: RUN KATIE RUN
Back over at the BFG's Big Fat Greek Wedding Reception, the mums were going at it with goosebumps watching their kids vibe on each other. Jamie can keep her “doof doof music and fake tan” while The BFG gets to keep his dog and everyone's happy - match made.
Dave made an #emo #chanel speech about his dad and gave his word to Jamie's family that he would "treat your daughter the way she deserves" Jamie was chuffed and had "love coming out of my arse right now" #lovefarts OK, so I'm vibing on old mate Dave too.
Hey Dave, just one thing, can you maybe go and have a stern word to Tim on how to act around women? You know, lean over him while you do it and flex a bit too yeah? That'd be great.
THE NEXT MORNING
Dave woke up in "excess sweat" but not from boofing Jamie, no Sirreee Bob, it was PG 13 only #maybeabitolderthanthat
Over in BF Nowhere, I ran in to check on Katie to find her crying. You see, Tim had worked out the whole 'microphone can get you in the shit' thing and woke Katie up in the middle of the night to tell her #withnowitnesses that he felt "no spark". Yup, Tim the Half Price Tool ensured Katie's biggest fear came true and I can't help but think that was the plan. #bastards.
We end the show with these two actually contemplating what to do. Honeymoon or no Honeymoon? #nofcknhoneyhmoon
And that was it....Oh wait a minute....maybe they should bring Tamara back to the show and match her with Half Price Tool Tim? Now THAT would be a perfect match.
Now go and find a decent man for Katie ploise.
Toodle Pips!
Fi xx
#recap #mafs