Episode 23
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Far out, throw some sand in my knickers and call me Salty... Here's the Update for Trash Bags, ep 23 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Holy heck, the Calamity of Douche Canoes should have all been in school uniforms tonight, 'cause Byron Bay's Contra Retreat House turned into a freaking schoolyard. #roughlyyearten
***Ding Ding*** (that's a school bell in case you needed to know) — let's check out where everyone is in the playground:
We revisit Girls Night where 50's Housewife Lauren had stormed out "bored" and was split-syllable swearing out the back: "They're sch fckn losers! Bogans!" she hissed as she applied lip gloss like a non-bogan. Yowza, this chick
What A Coincidence/Look at My Shoulders Rhi and Carina checked on Lauren as they both just "want everyone to be friends." Ho hum, and 3, 2, 1 commence #jacquistyle tears from Lauren: "I need to put tampons in my eyeballs." Far out, Lauren, that was such a boganic thing to say. #tinyeyetampons
The trio walked back inside, and look, I could give you a blow-by-blow, but it's late and I can't be fckd. So here it is in a nutshell: Lauren's whole job at Girls Night was to aggravate the Chicks and stir up drama. Her bitchy "they're drunk bogans/fckn losers/trolls" and dismissive manner to the girls was purely for #dramallama, and it worked. Far out, you even saw her smirk a few times. #mehhh
The Chicks all arrived back to join the boys, and Lauren went to bed to file her nails for another day of games and farkery. Twenty to Life Jamie, Int It Beth, and What a Coincidence Rhi took their hubsters into a room to spill the goss: "Lauren called us Bogans! She said she had no spark AT ALL with LowerCase Clint!" The Big Friendly Giant Dave ran over to Clint and told him his wife hated him and his non-Alpha ways. #onyadave
The next morning, Jacqui With a Peen Ryan kept his testosterone and his shoes on before heading to the gym. #noshagforyou
LowerCase Clint was dopey enough to believe Lauren when she said, "Nahhhhh, we’re getting along well and we'll see how it goes! They're all mental! Trolls and bullies!"
Aaaaaaaand I tell ya, Lauren must have her pinky in Clint where the sun don't shine, 'cause he believed every word she said. MATE, SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU...LIKE #evenabit. Listen to her: "I'm sick of these feral people! Awhina and that little troll Jamie intimidated me and harassed me!" But no, Clint just smiled, "I look forward to spending more time with you." Dude, she put her head back as if you'd asked her to stop wearing your balls as a matching set of earrings. #OMG.
Yo Adrian and Awhina went to the beach and drew a love heart. And has anyone else noticed how much clearer Adrian is speaking, or is it just that I'm used to deciphering him now? #sounsure. I tell ya, if I find out he and his brother pulled a twin swap, I won't be happy with Awhina's enunciating vibrator #onsalesoon
Jamie and Dave went shopping for crystals, and we took that time to flashback to Jamie standing up for people. Is Jamie loud? Sure, but I think she's one of the only people on this show that actually calls out some of the crap when it happens. She doesn't sit back and think about it; she just says what she thinks.
What else happened? Hmmmm, let me make it quick:
Lauren has decided to stay to increase the drama so we stop thinking about how shit last week was.
Rhi went to talk to Lauren about her use of crap expressions to the girls, and Lauren just looked at her from the top of Dckhead Mountain with her "have you not met me? Go away" dismissive eyes while saying, "I was attacked."
Down at the pool, Natural Empath Veronica was being nice to One L Eliot. #putyourpalmcardsawaychicka before waxing his back and enjoying it a tad too much.
Teejay tried to see if Lauren would apologise, but Lauren dug deeper and told him Jamie was a "troll."
Teejay told Jamie about being called a "troll."
Dave was Dave. #thebfgrocks
LowerCase Clint ran outside and changed into UpperCase CLINT before the drinks.
At the drinks by the fire, CLINT backed his wife, who hates his non-Alpha arse, and seemed to morph into a more sweary version of her.
Lauren threw out the line, and Jamie took the bait and got louder trying to get her point across.
Awhina tried to let Lauren know her behaviour was "not ok," but Lauren stuck to her "I was trolled - even Rhi and Carina said I was attacked."
Uh oh, Rhi disagreed and looked panicked, so Lauren saw her chance to separate the pack: "You did actually... you said it felt like an attack—whether they retracted that last night, but that was the sentiment because YOU (Jamie) were screaming at me."
Jamie said she'd never raised her voice "until your dismissive comments," and raised her voice... because of the dismissive comments.
This is where the other mean girl, UpperCase CLINT, came in: "Just bring it down... Sydney can hear you."
Dave stood up, Jamie stood up, and CLINT struck again: "Sit the FCK down! Sit the FCK down." Man, I think someone must have been watching the wrong videos on "How to be an Alpha" on YouTube #hushuppercase
And Yo Adrian, pretty coherently, told Clint to stop being a dckhead: "This is the tenth time you’ve sworn at a woman, bro." Yes Yo, and cutting your wife off when she speaks is shit too, but here we are. Yo continued, "Both your actions are rubbish, and the fact you can't see it is why you get along... You're rude and arrogant, bro." Ok, well said Yo. #neverthoughtiwouldaaythat
And look, it went on and on with CLINT and Lauren egging the melee on through snide comments, hair flicks, and stupid shit to keep it going. They retreated over to the Chairs of Farkery to witness the last scene through smirks.
Jacqui asked Rhi and Carina why they weren't speaking up for Jamie, and holy heck, I never thought I'd actually nod at her and Yo within minutes of each other. What has MAFS done to me this year?
Jamie was as shocked as I was and said, "THANK YOU, JACQUI!"
Carina and Jamie got heated, and Rhi looked like she was going to cry: "Sorry I didn't stand up for you in the moment. I think about things before I say it."
And RHI, it's MAFS mate, we don't think logically about things before speaking; that's what gives you #noairtime.
Clint expressed his dislike of Jamie to Lauren, and Clint, maaaaate, no one cares #meangirlseverywhere
And the last scene belonged to a distraught Jamie: "It is so embarrassing! I'm so sick to death of it. I've done this too many times... I'm so sick of being the bad guy by speaking up and saying things. It serves you well when I'm yelling for you, then it's ok. But where is my defence?"
He was sitting right beside you on the couch Chicka
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips pips!
Fi xx