Episode 22
Let’s just admit it: we all feel like Bogans for watching tonight. Here's the Update for Trash Bags, ep 22 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
It's The Couples Retreat, so before we head off to Byron Bay, let's check in on our Calamity of Douche Canoes:
I Complete Me Jacqui took a great leap into the testosterone-filled arms of Jacqui With a Peen Ryan before he went to the gym, while our three favourite grooms, The Big Friendly Giant Dave, Deidre Chambers Jeff, and Reality Retread #2 Teejay sat around throwing praise on Lower Case Clint after he received shade from his Alpha-worshipping bride, 50's Housewife Lauren. The boys were all, "What's he supposed to do, walk around all day in a tank top?" Hahaha, yes mate, that's exactly what Alphas do. #bintangtanktops
Down the hall, Awhina Warrior Twincess told us her "choosing to stay was a tough decision. I'm staying 'cause there is a sexual chemistry... there's a physical attraction, and I'm not ready to give that up yet." Yup. Come on Chicka, I'm pretty sure you can get enunciating vibrators these days, mate, not sure you need Yo that much. #faroutdude.
Speaking of utter nonsense, ***name change*** Natural Empath Veronica had “definitely taken on board" what the Experts said and will hit the reset button Faaaaark….
While others were looking forward to the Couples Retreat, 50's Housewife Lauren decided to step up and really earn her spot on the overly crowded podium on Dckhead Mountain. Pushing a few well-deserving dckheads off, Lauren continually spewed words like "these people."
Yup, Lauren let her arseholio attitude towards other women shine: "Awhina's nylon hair extensions will be blowing in the wind... she'll need her Dyson... these people... their opinions make me feel dumber by the second." LowerCase Clint just listened and said, "I'm gonna be honest, I can't wait" to get to the Retreat. Oh mate, she fcking hates you. #staylowercasemate
Upon arrival in Byron, Lauren continued worshipping at the altar of Dckhead Mountain. "The house is myyy viiiibe... location is myyyy viiiiibe. Jamie is offensive to my ears." Far out, and here I was thinking this episode was just going to be the mob singing "kumbaya, mthrfckrs" while holding hands in a friendship circle of love. #aaaaaandenterdrama
I Complete Me Jacqui entered the brides' gathering with a hell of a #jacquishow statement: "Ryan only wants sex after training as he wants to save his test (testosterone) for the gym." Ummmm, what? Is this a stitch-up to pay back for the "Head Job MAFS Scandal of 2025," where Ryan was an actual knob and showed off about getting BJs from Jacqui? Nah, MAFS isn't THAT predictable, folks, and Jacqui has Ryan's back. #whenhesnotatthegym #itsnotanaflgrandfinalryan
Down by the fire, waiting for the obvious pile-on to begin, Awhina Warrior Twincess announced she and Yo "were in a good place! We had S E X! I'm happy being here with my man!" Norman, my four-legged companion in disgust, snorted and dropped a fart bomb that made me gag and left the room. #Normanthecontemptuousfarter.
Across the fire, Twenty to Life Jamie shout-whispered to Int It Beth that she wants The BFG Dave's babies and she loves him. Awwwwww, stop it!
Natural Empath Veronica, reading from her palm cards, yelled out to a log on the fire throwing Ryan, "Do you have testosterone for that?" Ryan looked mortified. "They're private intimate details and are NOT for a group setting." I mean sure, but neither is telling a group of blokes about your wife giving "good head jobs," so here we are. Far out, Ryan, you don't have to have a long neck to be a goose. #dontstranglethatgoosebeforethegymmate. Veronica kept at him, and hush, Veronica, you're still on my shitlist. #putyourballsoutforryan
Ryan wasn't happy #jan with Jacqui, who in turn was all, "Yeah, whatevs. What about the Great HEAD Job Scandal of 2025?" and Ryan, and I swear this is true, said, "Yeah, but that was something to be celebrated." Hahahaha. #getyourpompomsoutforjacqui. Man, we discovered they have had "sex three times," and WHY AM I FCKING WRITING ABOUT THIS?
Int It Beth came over. "Ryan, would you rather save your energy for the iron rather than her pssy?" Ummmm, okay, I think we're done here. Ryan called Beth "classless," and you just know that comment alone will be a #dramallama around the fire later. #justaguess. Then Jacqui did what Jacqui does: "Hahaha, now we're all good! I'm fine, I'm fine with it." #gohomesybil
I can't fckg deal with these two anymore.
Back at the fire, Teejay asked Lauren what she thought an "Alpha male" was, and she explained, "I want a leader. I'm the homemaker making meals for someone who's out there hustling. Someone I look up to and respect." Yowza.
Veronica grabbed her palm cards again. "Hang on, is there a chance Lower Case Clint is an Alpha male as he's seeing what you need and doing it?" Wow, whoever wrote that line was pretty good. #clintthealpha. Yo Adrian mumbled something about, "If a woman egbegbjgebksdbjbjsg emsculating... do you think he's the man she wants though?" and Lauren flicked her hair. "The things I find attractive... he's not able to do in this environment."
Lauren wasn't amused and whispered to us, "Everyone is spewing garbage, like a pimple with endless pus. It's not my style talking about relationships with ferals." Hmmmm, okay, there's two things here: 1) This is quite literally your second crack at being on MAFS, so maybe jump down off your high horse, and 2) We remember you gleefully dumping on One L in a group JUST a few weeks ago. #justsayin
The next morning, Lauren decided this was her "last day on the experiment," so the producers sent What A Coincidence/Look at My Shoulders Rhi, WITH HER SHOULDERS COVERED, over to check on her. "Clint wants to leave too... he brought it up this morning... I was surprised." I'm calling bollocks on him wanting to leave, and the mob did too: "He gets along with everyone." "Poor Clint." She wanted to come back! "She's doing to Clint what Eliot did to her!"
Man, even Twenty to Life Jamie sat down with Yo Adrian—in some weird redemption arc for him—"We're two Greeks in the MAFS world bringing order to the Kingdom." Oh Jamie, I love ya mate, but maybe just rule the world by yourself and punt Awhina's vibrator to the curb, yeah? #plansarehatching
THE BOYS NIGHT
Ryan asked Teejay his thoughts on Beth's comment about sex and the gym. #notthecity, and it didn't go the way he planned. The BFG Dave leaned in with, "If you called my wife classless, I wouldn't be as cool and calm as him." #davethealpha. So Ryan laughed, "Yeah soz, jokes boys... hahahah I was in shock." And I swear I heard the unmistakable sound of Ryan's chocolate starfish puckering.
Yo wasn't happy as he thought the light was going to shine brightly on him with his prepared list of questions to Lower Case Clint. "ewghiwgehi sghigHghk ***subtitles*** Why are you thinking about leaving, Clint?" and really, it was all just mehhhh. Clint said he wanted to leave. #liarliarpantsonfire. So they pumped Clint's tyres, and the three bestie boo grooms, Dave, Teejay, and Jeff, all had a chat to the camera to talk some sense: "She's controlling him like a puppet." #abravopuppetnotanalphaone
THE GIRLS NIGHT
Lauren arrived to sniff the Rose. "Eew, it smells like tequila," and great, now she's also pissed off the contra restaurant in Byron Bay. Jacqui squealed, "The convo worked, we had sex this morning!" and CAN WE NOT? #gymsmustopensuperearlyinByron.
The girls went after Lauren about leaving the show with Clint, and Lauren was all, "Whatevs, they're just bogans doing bogany things in boganic ways," to us, and to the girls, she looked down and said, "Your opinion has no impact." Jamie snuck outside to drop a #jamiequote: "I just realised what the problem is, Lauren is a btch." #quotesahoy
Back over at the boys' night, Clint was telling the boys that Lauren thought he "was the nicest guy she's ever met." Oh mate, really? The BFG Dave sighed. "She said she hated that at the Dinner Party." Faaark, Clint, maybe get a little bit uppercase every now and again, yeah?
And to finish the show in #dramallama style, I arrived back to the chicks just as Lauren said, "We didn't sign up to come and discuss our relationship openly." Ummmm, Loz, I said love, I said pet, I said darl, it's MAFS, and that is EXACTLY what you signed up for. Awhina walked by and lobbed a grenade: "You had a lot of fun talking about One L Eliot to all of us... not gonna lie!" #wherehaveyoubeenawhina
Lauren, putting down her tequila-smelling rose, stood up and said, "This conversation is SOOOOO boring, I'm over it," and walked out to a chorus of "What a snob!" "She thinks she's better than us!"
And yes guys, that's exactly what Lauren thinks, as she hissed as she walked out, "They're all fcking losers." #takesonechicka
And that was all she wrote,
Fi xx