Episode 1
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Alright Folks, it's time to tap on the Trash Train for the bumpy ride to Absolute Farkery town. That's right, yours truly is fairly lubricated with unsponsored bubbles #hintfreakinghint for the Update for Trash Bags, ep one on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Our hapless mob of singles had a “ooooh there's a dating crisis/technology is wicked” whine in a bid to convince us they're all sad and just want to find true love.... on…ummmm….MAFS.. Yup, Mafs is the word it's the word that you heard #itsgotyouitsgotmeme
The Hen’s Night with our FUTURE BRIDES
We meet our first future bride Lauren, a 1950's wannabe wife who wants to 'serve' her husband and is 'feminine' Yup, calling blokes "pussies" if they're intimidated by you is #feminineaf Loz. Next up was Awhina Warrior Princess (it's pronounced Athena folks) Love at Second Sight Lauren, 20 to Life Jamie who wants a crim looking tatts dude, Insecure Katie who seems too sweet for this show, the token over 50 Bride Morena, and a cast of others.
THE FUTURE GROOMS
We open up to a lonely stripper waiting by a pole for her...oh wait, nope didn't happen #soz We meet One L Eliot, who "knows" he's a catch with "high standards" and dude #stfu, Tall Tatts Dave, 'Gong Tony, English Billy, Casper the Friendly Ghoster Paul and a few others. They all sat around talking about caring and for the love of God boys, it's a BUCK'S PARTY, less feelings, more shots.
THE MATCH UPS
Our Experts: Expert John, Expert Melania Allessandra and Expert Mel danced onto the screen to tell us what a lengthy process it is to mismatch people for this "experience" #hahahahahahahahastopit. Our first victims are Love at Second Sight Carina and Casper the Friendly Ghoster Paul
Carina comes from a large “all married but me” Italian family and is looking for someone to fill the place setting her mum keeps on the sideboard #notaccuratebutclose Carina is hoping to find a "tall, handsome, romantic European" man
Enter Paul, a French guy who somehow sounds like he should be wearing an Adidas tracksuit and a bum bag but whatevs, I'm no good at accents #oui. Paul seems genuine with his string of stock standard MAFS words like "affectionate, positive, respectful' tumbling out like frog legs and the Experts were pumped. #pumpeditellya.
The next couple matched up were 1950's Wannabe Wife Lauren, who is close to her sister and apron, and One L Eliot who funnily enough wants to be a 1950's husband #eyeroll Yup, you can't make this shit up. Eliot has his list of "non-negotiables" and threatened a walk out during the ceremony if anything on his list was ticked. And is it wrong that I want Lauren to tick one off the list so he would? #tickthebox
THE WEDDINGS
Love at Second Sight Carina and Casper the Friendly French Ghoster Paul.
Paul arrived at the altar to a chorus of approving sighs by Carina’s family and her naughty Aunty Maria #ohnaughtymaria Carina walked in with a replica of her mum's wedding dress and oooohhhh mmmmyyyyy gaaaawd, is this going to be the new Cam and Jules of the series? Paul impressed with his French vows and everything went swimmingly #untiltheydidnt
Yup. After walking out Carina cornered a producer "WTF? I KNOW HIM. Is there another option?" WHAAAAAT? Apparently these two matched eight months ago, had a date and Paul GHOSTED her. Yup, the Frenchie clamped closed and ghosted our bride. Ohhhhh Paul you petit fckr. #seehowfrenchicanbe
Over in the other room, Paul and his tightened 'I wanna stay on the show' sphincter backpedalled as fast as possible "oh yeah, she was like, the right one at the wrong time. I was going through some stuff and awwwww it's like we're having a second chance...I should have communicated better" DO YOU FCKN THINK PAUL? OK, so maybe it's just me but i'm calling BS there buddy, you just don't want to look like a twattytwatwaffle on national telly. #andyouhadtoauditionformafs
1950's Wannabe Lauren and One L Eliot..
Lauren was getting her hair done as her sister Tamara, a lover of no undie Mondie, arrived to hog the limelight. Yup, Tamara is a walking fckn nightmare who reminds me of a pissed off toddler amped on sugar in a fairy dress. Anywho, we move over to ol' mate Eliot's place for a quick topless slow mo as he did a combined hair flick and a non negotiables run through #iwillwalkout
Tamara waited for her sister to walk down the aisle after ever so gently #ha trying to swing a leg over Jordy, Eliot's best mate. Yup, this is gonna be messy. The couple arrived, smiles were had and Eliot didn't do a runner...which was a bit of a shame but still good for the show I guess. The vows were nice in a "we're the 1950's traditional couple where men are men and women are women" way AND WHAT? Look, if this is what floats their boat, then fine....
hang on a tick while I just yell out to the hubster to unload the dishwasher #onyahubster
THE RECEPTIONS
Over with Carina and Casper Paul, he had the brainwave to speak with Carina’s parents and smooth talk his way out of being that "French dude who ghosted me" Oh man, this guy is good. "I was going through a hard time....it was a year ago...i'm ready now" and yup, it worked a treat. Carina was "smitten", they had a pash and we all held hands as they danced to that old song 'Reunited and it Feels So Good' OK, so he might be legit but, mehhhhh it's MAFS so #dodgycasper
Running over to the 1950's Reception for a bit of #dramallama I arrived to see Tamara leering over at Jordy. Yup, me thinks Lauren's sister had a tipple and Bad Tamara made a hell of an appearance. "I'm fckn freezing! Jordy, you want kids? Hey! Look at Moi" and it was so ridiculous it was funny. On and on she went when her food arrived "I can't eat that, i'm a pescetarian" and FFS, can someone throw this chick a ping pong ball and a gimp mask to keep her quiet? She continued her ramapge telling a guest to “fck off” yelled "she's frigid" during the dance before harassing a producer "you ruined my mood! I'm the BRIDE'S SISTER! Do it better next year. I have PTSD! Compensation!"
Hahahahah, holy shitballs Tamara, go find your undies and get some sleep there tiger. I think I just witnessed the demise of her business on national telly. And you just know we’ll be seeing her again.
Oh yeah, back to the couple…Eliot looked a little freaked and quickly scribbled 'must not have a tapped sister' on the top of his non-negotiable list
Toodle Pips folks,
Fi xx