Episode 14
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Far out, the Trash Train made a quick stop at Wedding Town to pick up a few stragglers before breaking down completely at Jacqui Town. Here's the update for Trash Bags, ep 14 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
If years of watching this show have taught me anything, is that it's as formulaic as fck. Someone is clinging to the edge #orwaytfoverit, and we need more couples. Yup, we need more as we're all getting annoyed at the calamity of douche canoes we currently have. Hmmmm, a 'calamity of MAFS douche canoes.' How's them apples for a collective noun?
Let's go and visit the CALAMITY, shall we?
DJ Morena did a half-arsed job at accepting the constructive criticism of her as being simply "passionate and misunderstood." And Morena, I said love, I said pet, I said #nomate.
Baby Reindeer Billy slept away from his blindsiding partner Reality Retread Sierah after her intimate sharing with Yo Adrian. Speaking of Yo, he didn't understand #much what all the fuss was about and thanked Awhina Warrior Twincess for breaky when she tried to explain #yoniceeggs #notsureiwantyoureggsthough.
In the 'good' apartments, the couples without major issues were all WTF'ing about I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui With A Peen Ryan and their level of crazy. "They're the most compatible 'cause they speak the same type of crazy." Oh Jamie, where would I be without your accurate observations #stillherebutstill.
And far out, this whole fckn night is going to be about them, so let's see how much I can trim the crazy....and #go.
Ryan was feeling confident, but old mate ICM Jacqui had done a complete 180 after processing last night's Couch of Farkery and realising she was "triggered" #slowreleasetakesawhiletokickin. As an unbeaten problem solver, Jacqui knew all she had to do was type up a rap sheet of Ryan's errors of judgment and “educate him” You see, everything is a teaching moment if you REALLY want it to be. And you're Jacqui.
Yup. I'm just going to give you the first Jacqui Show convo as best I can:
JACQUI: Ten things I hate about you: I hit my head at the wedding when you dropped me! I never told you, but it hurt me! IT HURT ME!
RYAN: Ummm Sorry, I didn't know.
JACQUI: Sorry isn't enough! ***cries dramatically with no tears*** And it took 3 weeks to buy me flowers!
RYAN: Yeah. I felt supported so—
JACQUI: ***Cries again*** You said I had crazy eyes behind my back! I HAVE crazy eyes! Why would you say that? ***makes crazy eyes and dry cries*** I'm a great wife! SAY IT!
RYAN: ***chocolate starfish puckers with a loud noise and he slow blinked at the camera***
JACQUI: Hey, love you! Gotta run and audition for that movie Smile 4... I'm gonna be the chick on the poster! Bye Daddy. ***turns around*** I don't want to be your wife! 'Kay? Bye. Love you! Hahahah, psych!
Jacqui hid outside and sent a text to Deidre Chambers Jeff asking him for a "one on one" without Rhi for "advice" #andblondebabies. Gee, gosh, do you think this will blow up later?
THE INTRUDER COUPLE
Tonight we meet Int It Beth #isntit, a 28-year-old "dry" English Northerner who lives with her parents who would happily replace her with a drum kit. Beth has been ghosted by a flood of men who have left her “dry," so she's keen to break the drought and find love on MAFS #hahaha.
Enter Teejay, another reality retread from Big Brother. Come on Experts, stop fishing in the same freaking pond. Anywho, Teejay is a "Grindian," a half Greek, half Indian guy who wants a "partner in crime" that's "generous, caring blah blah MAFS script blah blah."
Back at the apartments from hell, the invitation to the Newbies' wedding was slipped under the door of the mob. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Twenty to Life Jamie. "I don't have a dress! I don't have a tan! I'm pale! It's a fckn wedding, tell them I can't come!" I'm not sure what you think, but I love Jamie and the fun she's having on this show.
Down the hall, Ryan was dopey enough to think having "love all around" at the wedding will be a good thing for his relationship with Jacqui #ifeelitinmyfingersifeelitinmytoes. Meanwhile, What A Coincidence Rhi was seething about the unsolicited text message #atleastitwasntadckpick to her hubster, Jeff.
THE WEDDING - AKA THE JACQUI SHOW
At the altar, our latest couple seemed #lubbilyjubbily, and tepid sparks were flying between them... they weren't coming out of their arse like Jamie and the BFG Dave's sparks, but they were there.
Once we got to Ryan's long-winded vows, Jacqui sat bolt upright, swivelled her head 360 degrees ala the Exorcist, and the triggering began. "I'm jealous! I came here to be the most romantic wife! I'm triggered!" and decided to use Ryan's vows as another Teaching Moment. Yup. The Jacqui show was on like Donkey Kong #ifdonkeykongwasoncrack.
"Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!" Jacqui smile-cried. "DID YOU HEAR THE VOWS?" Aaaaand Ryan started doing his slow blinking again at the camera. Holy shit, I just realised he was actually blinking H-E-L-P - M-E in morse code to the camera before he turned back to Jacqui. "Are you serious? It's not about us" #keepblinkingmate.
Fark Jacqui, you really should go on Survivor... EVERY single person would vote themselves off the Island, and you'd be a #winnerwinnerchickendinner.
Reality Retread #2 Teejay and Int It Beth went off for photos as the calamity went to the reception for the Jacqui Show #part412 where Ryan furiously blinked again at the crew #takemenow. Ryan was disgusted with Jacqui for the rap sheet and the vows Teaching Moment, and Jacqui saw her chance.
"WHAT? Me? Rap Sheet? Nah, I didn't! This is why we have problems!" Ummmm Jacqui, WE SAW YOU TYPE THEM OUT! WE WATCHED THE OLD VIDEOS! WE FCKN KNOW YOU SYBIL!
Ryan tried to get the table on #Teamryan when Jacqui started chanting, "Why was I crying? Why was I crying?" and I have to admit, I put my hand up and yelled, "Pick me Ryan, I wanna be on your team." Far out. Breathe, Fi, this shouldn't be this hard to write.
What A Coincidence Rhi, exasperated, said, "Jacqui, you cry if there's not a full-length mirror in the room!" Wow Rhi, that was pretty good mate.
***Compulsory Intermission for the Newlyweds***
They were having a nice moment at the table so Jacqui yelled, "YOOOOHOOOOOOO! IT’S THE JACQUI SHOW FCKRS! COME BACK OVER HERE!" The mob popped some Nurofen to combat the Jacqui headache, and just when I thought we could quietly slip back to the newlyweds, the headache-free mob encouraged our nightmare couple to continue. #whywhywhy
Blah blah blah, more cray cray from Jacqui. "Yeah, I like Ryan, he's my partner." AND CAN NO ONE SEE RYAN'S MORSE CODE BLINKING? Come on Jacqui, just dial 1-8-0-0-I-S-S-U-E-S AND GET OFF MY FCKN SCREEN.
Rhi decided now would be a good time to bring up the #notadckpick text message drama llama, so the Jacqmeister gave her a cray cray death stare #runrhi. When everyone noticed and cornered Jacqui, she did what she does best... aaaaaaand dry cried. Yup.
And when that didn't have the desired impact, Jacqui turned into Deeply Discounted Tool Man Tim and deflected her arse away from the table. "Let's shut this down!" she yelled over her shoulder, and Jamie sighed with the comment of the night, "Even my nipples are tired of this." #nipplesyawn.
Poor old Beth and Teejay hollered, "IT'S THE FCKN WEDDING SPEECHES PEOPLE, BE QUIET!" as Teejay's dad stood up. "May all your ups and downs be between the sheets." Hahahaha, I'm stealing that if I ever MC a wedding again!
The new couple stood up to dance, and Teejay dipped Beth without dropping her. "FINAL STRAW!" squealed an obviously still dip-concussed Jacqui before smiling and hugging a blinking Ryan. "Do you like me?"
Fark Sybil, go home.
Ryan mumbled, "I can't trust you," and did a lank hug to a whimpering "You're supposed to support me!" Jacqui. Awhina Warrior Princess, warrior-shaming Ryan said, "Jacqui, this is NOT about you." #welldonechicka.
Where was Yo in all this?
Anywho, Jacqui walked out. "Don't tell on me when I'm crying Ryan! Be a supportive partner."
Faaaaark, I need to drink more if I'm going to get through this.
Oh yeah, Int It Beth told Reality Retread # 2Teejay she'd never had a boyfriend, and he was like, "Yeah, no worries, let's pash for the camera." Or at least I think that's what happened as Jacqui was in the background doing nude cartwheels #justkidding.
Far out, blink louder Ryan.
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips!
Fi xx