Episode 13
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Quiet please, the train has stopped at the Couch of Farkery and there's bollocks to be heard. Here’s the update for Trash Bags, ep 13 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Let’s do a quick round-up before we leg it over to the Couch of Farkery Commitment Ceremony: Twenty To Life Jamie and The Big Friendly Giant Dave are still confused AF about I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui With a Peen Ryan, who are "both bonkers... they're two nutcases together."
And yes mate, yes they are. Speaking of the bonkers couple, Jacqui feels like "the luckiest girl in the world" after receiving flowers from Ryan that he carefully selected from the bins out the front of Coles #downdownpricesaredown. So thoughtful, Ryan.
Across the hall, Awhina Warrior Princess was still unsure about Yo Adrian after he cut her off "mid conversating" at the Dinner Party last night—at least, I think that's what she said; I couldn't be sure as Yo kept cutting her off #midconverfckgsation.
Leaving Yo Adrian mid 'conversating,' I poked my head around the corner to check in on Baby Reindeer Billy and Reality Retread Sierah, who were post-coital coffee sipping. Yup, apparently playing footsies under the table with Yo Adrian was the foreplay, and Billy was the main act, and I'm gathering the main act fell a bit short.
Embarrassed, I slipped over to DJ Morena and Greg Evans Tony's house, and mehhhhh... I didn't hang around to hear the #whatevs.
The Commitment Ceremony - aka the Couch of Farkery
Expert Melania Alessandra thanked everyone for the "passion of In-tee-ma-cee Week," and Expert John assured us we were going to "go deeper" on the Couch of Farkery after the #dramallama of the Dinner Party. Let's get to it with our first couple on the couch:
DJ MORENA AND GREG EVANS TONY
This should be interesting as DJ Morena is still like Maccas fries #saltyaf. You see, Morena came into the experiment to "bond," but hasn't had the chance as Tony takes "Tony Time" every chance he gets. Yup, Tony takes Tony Time and Morena is at a loss. #notalossforwordsthough
"He's Houdini," Morena said, and the other couples giggled. "You all gave me a hard time last night! Everyone was against me!" a finger-pointing Morena cried. Could I bang on about this couple for a while longer? Sure. Do I want to? Ahhhhhhhhh, that's a negative ghostrider, so let me summarise:
Morena didn't realise her "fight style" resembled a scene out of #fightclub and never will.
**BOTH STAY**
Tony walked off with his hand on Morena's shoulder, and the camera cut away just as Morena was flicking his arm away in anger #getyourfcknhandoffmyshoulder.
THE BIG FRIENDLY GIANT DAVE AND TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE
These two are on fire... and maybe quite literally as they have "sparks shooting out of our arses" and #maybegetthatseento. These two share the same "core values," yada yada.
I'd love to spend more time on them, but let's face it, once you're on the road to sweet sweet coupledom, it’s #noairtime for you.
**BOTH STAY**
CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOSTER PAUL AND LOVE AT SECOND SIGHT CARINA
Carina was still wet from being a 'Dom' at Intimacy Week... yeah yeah, soz, it was just the wet-look hair, but I couldn't help it #atleastididntsaymoisthair.
Moving along, Paul and Carina seem to be swigging the MAFS Kool-Aid as just, I don't know... they're just too much for me to believe. The whole "oooooh, I'm a dom and she's submissive... I adore her/I'm in awe blah blah" just seems a tad too full-on.
Look, they might be a perfect match, but mehhhhh.
**BOTH STAY**... and just to convince us of how serious he is, Paul wrote STAY STAY like he had a written stutter #staystay.
I COMPLETE ME JACQUI AND JACQUI WITH A PEEN RYAN
Ryan apologised for his "cruss" comments #itscrassyadickhead before telling everyone Jacqui "looks beautiful," Aaaaaaaaand Jacqui, still wearing a flower behind her ear from the Coles bunch, smiled an "awwww thanks."
Hahahahaa, these two are so completely and utterly tapped, Expert Alessandra was confused ***not an exact quote, just what I said*** "OK, you pair of Sybils, what gives?"
And I swear to God, someone in the room let one rip. Yup. It might have just been my dog Norman with another contemptuous fart of disgust, but I'm positive it came from the telly #ryanyadirtydog
This is when it got weird #again. The Photo Wall of Farkery came up and Jacqui explained her desire for validation wasn't "about me... I think about my children." You see, Jacqui doesn't "want the energy of someone who doesn't do that for my children one day."
Ummmm what the actual farrrrk? Ahhhhhhh, I get it; it's for the children. All this talk of these imaginary kids made Ryan #emo #chanel "Yeah, that's down the track, and the validation is critical from me... especially for my son ***sniff sniff****." FOR HIS SON? Get TF off my TV, please....
I have nothing more as I'm too confused about the fart and this couple.
**BOTH STAY**
DEIDRE CHAMBERS JEFF AND (BACK TO ORIGINAL NAME) WHAT A COINCIDENCE RHI
These two are still friend zoning the hell out of each other. I really like them, but come on folks, it's MAFS, not Let's Be Mature and Behave Like Normal People. No airtime for you.
**BOTH STAY**
AWHINA WARRIOR PRINCESS AND YO ADRIAN
Awhina "shows up daily" for Yo Adrian, and he, in return, smirked while thinking about his footsies under the table with Sierah at the Dinner Party. Yup, this all came out as the camera guy that filmed the footsies under the table came running in.
"Look at this footage I filmed when I was under the table in case there was a cheating scandal! LOOK AT THIS!" Just kidding, nothing happened. Zip. Nada. Not a freaking word.
The Experts had a crack at Yo Adrian about repeatedly shutting down Awhina, and mehhhhh.
**BOTH STAYED**, you know 'cause Yo Adrian said, "I don't know how to spell LEAVE" (I didn't say it; he did).
BABY REINDEER BILLY AND REALITY RETREAD SIERAH
Billy was confused as he boofed Sierah after the Dinner Party, and now it was all "yeah, nice Nespresso" from Sierah. Ouch. Billy thought the sex was passionate, and Sierah thought it was just a "drunken fumble," which didn't seem to meet her "needs." Again, ouch.
Far out, when I'm drunk, I fumble for my keys; Sierah fumbles with a peen #icantfindmykeysbutshecanfindapeen.
The Experts asked about the desire from Billy for an "emotional connection," and Sierah fumbled with—something aside from a peen— a dodgy explanation. "Oh, ummmmm, yeah, the emotional connection... ummmmm I can't open up to him.. he might think I'm damaged goods!"
Alessandra took a wild stab in the MAFS formulaic dark, "Oh, have you opened up to anyone else?" and Yo Adrian smirked when she said “yes, I opened up to Yo Adrian…remember Billy? The footy was on” #nosierah Oooooh folks, here it comes, the footage of the footsies.
Aaaaand again, nothing.
Far. Fckn. Out.
Billy was blindsided! Awhina was blindsided! And just when the Experts were considering prompting Sierah further, she started doing a Jacquiesque tearless cry "***sniff sniff**** I need a tissue please." Hahahaha, that'll do Donkey, that'll do.
BOTH STAY with Sierah adding, "I'll stay for another week to open up to Billy" #oryo.
And damn it all to hell, there’s another wedding tomorrow night, so I’ll have to freaking STAY too.
And that’s all she wrote.
Toodlepips pips!
Fi xx