Episode 12
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Well, there was a whole lotta awks and icks at the Dinner Party tonight... Here's the Update for Trash Bags, ep 12, on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
It's feeding time at the zoo, and while I'm up for some bizarre farkery at the Dinner Party, tonight was a bit much. #evenforfi. Let's just whip around and check in on the hungry ferals.
Getting ready for the big night, The BFG Dave ensured Twenty to Life Jamie was "careful of her nips" as she read tarot cards #judgementday. Newly re-nicknamed Look At My Shoulders Rhi embraced her new nickname with ANOTHER off-the-shoulder number. Yup, #shouldersout. Down the hall, Reality Retread Sierah was singing that Rocky Horror song "Touch-a Touch-a Touch meeeee, I wanna be diiiiirty" to her beau, but Baby Reindeer Billy focused on ironing in slow motion as he was the #ironingmantonight
DJ MORENA (I'm going to type her name in caps from now on) was frosty as faaaaark with poor old Greg Evans Tony and whispered to the crew, "Tony has no awareness" #heylookablackkettle #andapot.
Across the hall at I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui With a Peen Ryan’s place, we discover these two have hit the "reset" button. Yup, they'll be putting on a "united front" at the Dinner Party. You see, they're "not worried at all" as they're "super honest," and mehhhh…how are we expected to keep a straight face looking at Ryan when he made a jacket out of his nan's farking lounge cover?
**THE ARRIVALS**
The Experts sat in the Voyeurs Room and waited for the #dramallamma to begin.
Twenty to Life Jamie and The BFG Dave were the first to arrive to pop an anti-climactic cork out of some bubbles. Shortly after, they were joined by Love At Second Sight Carina and Casper the Friendly Ghoster Paul, who yelled, "Have you two boofed yet?" to Look At My Shoulders Rhi and Deidre Chambers Jeff as they walked in. Calm down, kids, leave the nice couple alone please.
DJ MORENA arrived and settled into rapid-fire dissing of Tony to her victim Rhi, who simply let the words wash over her shoulders. Holy shit, MORENA, STOP TALKING AT PEOPLE! #readaquoteorsomething.
ICM Jacqui and JWAP Ryan arrived 'united' #anditfeelssogood, which confused the shit out of the crowd. The girls called an expressive Jacqui over “Yeah, we're in a reset, rebuild, and refocus blah blah." So Jamie cut to the chase, "Yeah, that's great, have you shagged?? No???" So Sierah added, "What about mouth to peen?" Ummmm, wow Sierah, calm your titties, yeah? I know you're about to play the villain, but shhhhhh. There was a pause before Jacqui said “No” - or maybe she said something else, im not sure as she had a mouthful #offood
Ummmm, ahhhhhhhh. It's either Jacqui or her Gold Logie red carpet-looking mate telling a porky pie. You know who I mean, Ryan. The gold jacket bloke who says things like "the dinner party will be scintillating" #fckyouaresointelligent.
And then it happened... the best part of MAFS. The visa-carrying waiter walked out, "ZEEEEE DINNNNNER ISSSS SEEERVVVED!" #loveyoubuddy.
**THE DINNER PARTY**
Let's get it on, folks.
Rhi, our new undercover shit-stirrer, asked Ryan and Jacqui about their week and got the dopey buggers talking. "Yeah, all of our issues have gone, we're just two super intelligent walking CVs happy and united." Billy pounced, "Ryan said you had crazy eyes!" Aaaaaand Jacqui slapped Ryan and stormed out...
Just kidding, this is MAFS; it just got weird. Jacqui said, "I KNOW! I DO! Hahaha, some people would LOVE to have crazy eyes! Hahaha! I know!" And the crowd sizzled in frustration, "It's DISRESPECTFUL!" they chanted as Jacqui gave them her best crazy eyes. Yup. Ryan was all, "You guys are just being dramatic" ***whispers to the camera*** "hahahaha, fckn got out of that one."
Jamie tried, "Hey Jacqui, you said you haven't boofed Ryan, but he told all the boys you did!" The BFG Dave saw his opening, "You said she gave awesome head." Ahhhhh, MIC DROP. Ryan, quick as a flash, smiled, "Because it's a positive thing! Jacqui can add it to her CV!! We have an understanding! You're ignorant! Vendetta!! #MAFsbjexperience.
Righto, Mr. Tate.
Jacqui, after finishing her mouthful #offoodagainyapervs, used this moment to tell Ryan he should only EVER say she's "the most amazing woman in the world,"
Then Sybil popped in to say hello. "I was triggered by the Photo Wall of Farkery! Ryan should have put me first! I DESERVE to be ***insert beautiful woman shit*** and Ryan, do you think your sister is beautiful? How would you rank her? Well? I WILL NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS!" and stormed out with a combined hair flick and giggle.
Holy shitballs, Batman, we have a live one here. Turns out she was just going for a whizzer. Yup, dramatic walk out, has a wee, and comes back smiling #imscaredmummy.
What the actual???
The group enjoyed some banter about the 'good couples' until MORENA yelled, "RYAN! RYAN! RYAN! RYAN! I'M NOT DONE! ***insert tirade*** Don't you EVER speak to a woman like that EVER!" Now I don't want to be picky, but wasn't that argument like, ten minutes ago?
Paul, took the heat off Ryan, "Hey, MORENA, what's going on with you two? I heard you screaming in the hall the other night." Oh good one, Paul, wind her up and watch her go so we have to listen to her. "That's a LIE!” She yelled “So disrespectful! ***insert tirade*** I'm not done with you LITTLE BOY! LOOK ME IN THE EYES! CLOSER!" #oksignora.
Tony tried to talk but MORENA kept cutting him off, so the mob chanted, "LET HIM TALK! LET HIM TALK!” Tony won the crowd at dinner #andathome: "I make her coffee, I buy her flowers, take her for dinner, and she just talks over me." MORENA kept yelling…and I just can't write more as it was like she'd morphed into EXACTLY how she described her ex-hubster. Far out, MORENA, maybe the books aren't enough, yeah?
Then Awhina Warrior Princess explained how it's hard as a single mum, as the guy you date has to fit into your family life. YO Adrian mumbled his way out of the conversation, so Paul tried to help. "Yeah. YO Adrian told me that if you worked out, he would ‘raise her kid like mine.'" Awwww, see folks, Yo Adrian just needed a translator to explain how he felt.
Annnnd no.
YO looked up, "I didn't say that." WHAT?
YO Adrian nodded to a producer hiding in a pot plant and moved next to Reality Retread Sierah. Yup, Sierah, who was sitting ramrod straight so her nips didn't pop out, welcomed Yo Adrian with a lustful look and played tootsies with him under the table.
And that, my friends, was the start of the MAFS Cheating Scandal of 2025.
And thankfully, that was all she wrote.
Fi xx