Squad goals not squabbles
I really couldn't care less how you raise your kids. As long as there's no abuse, they’re safe, loved, fed, and showered, feel free to do what you want and live your life... and I'll live mine.
Honestly, I don't care. You do you Mumma Boo.
I DO care if you’re a judgmental
Captain Arseholio Mum who makes other mums feel like a pile of stinkin’ poo though. You know, one of those mums who says stuff like:
"You don't give your kid 5 vegetables every night like an Instagram opportunity-loving mother! I'll be getting the vegan police on to you!" #onyapeteevansfans. But if your kids eat too many healthy foods, people start looking for the stick that's obviously Roger Ramjetted up your butt. #hesourman
Christmas tree wasn't up by the first of December? Clearly, you're a Christmas-hating beeotch, and you'll scar your children for life, ya bloody Grinch. Of course, if you put it up in November, you're a weird festive enthusiast who needs to calm their tinsel tits the fark down. #calmdowntinseltits
You didn't breastfeed until your child could catch a bus to school? No? Shame on you for depriving your child of all those amazing fckng nutrients that God gave you titties for. Fed them for too long? Well, now you're just a droopy-titted pervert.
Faaaaaark...
Perhaps your child started eating solids at 3 months and 27 days instead of waiting for the exact 4 month period? You have literally ruined your child and will give them stomach problems for life, you dopey sod. Feed them too late, and you may as well get your child sponsored for a $1 a day, you starvation-causing cow.
What terrible freaking parents you are.
Faaaaark, it doesn't end: dummy/no dummy, crawling too long, walking too fast, can't count to 10 by four days old, or can count to 10 so you must be hot-housing them you weirdo! public school, private school, no sport, living through your child's sport, too polite and nerdy, impolite and your kid's an arsehole for not being taught well enough, reader, non-reader, daycare, working mum, SAHM, you're too skinny for a mum, which means you selfishly go to the gym all the time, you're too chubby, which means you're clearly lazy, or just right, which means you're just lucky (wtf!), you don't have the right clothes on your kids, or you spoil your kids with brands, co-sleep, still wake up, they sleep through, Botox, hair... faaaaaaaaark, the list is endless.
It's no wonder why kids are feeling pressure if the mums are freaking out trying to keep up with Magic Mum Norma down the road. Sadly, if Magic Mum Norma was really honest, she'd let you know that parenting for her can be a shit-show at times too.
And by the way, I'm not proud of being an imperfect mum. I'm just getting more and more okay with it.
Am I still concerned at times that I'm screwing the parenting pooch? Of course! But hey, when they go to bed each night they give me a kiss and a ferocious hug so i must be doing something okayish
Let's dial it down a tad without being prissy twatwaffles in douche canoes to other mums.
Fi xx