Episode 19
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!!
What in all staged farkery was that? Here's the Update for Trash Bags, ep 19 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
I just want to say, opening up the show to Yo Adrian probably isn't the best way to keep your viewers for the rest of the show. #justsayin
Yup, Yo was positive he’d “done anything wrong” and "if Cleo hadn't been there it would have been different." Yes Yo, your mate Jasmine, the backpedaler extraordinaire, and your sisters would have thrown Awhina in their cauldron if Cleo hadn't been there. Hush child
In a bid to stay on the show, Yo went to see Awhina, who by this stage had Cleo energy: "Feck off, Mumbles, and don't ever come back!" Yo was shocked, telling us, "I took account! I apologised! I'm not in the wrong... She should own up to her sister's mistakes." Far out. #andtherestwoofthem
Down the hall, What a Coincidence/Look at My Shoulders Rhi showed us her latest purchase from "Off the Shoulders Are Us," her fave online store, while I Complete Me Jacqui was getting dance dipped by Jacqui With a Peen Ryan. Speaking of dipping, Greg Evans Tony was double dipping in DJ Morena's yoghurt, and yes, I mean actual yoghurt—'cause you know, it wasn't out of date. #liketonythinksmorenais. Next door, our smug couple, Love At Second Sight Carina and Casper the Friendly Ghoster Paul, shook hands and told us, "How good we look together." Ummmm, you're not supposed to say it yourself, Chicka; it's ick. The Big Friendly Giant Dave and Twenty to Life Jamie were being, well, normal. What tf are they doing on this show? #loveyoutwo
For Friends and Family week, Paul and Carina met up with their rellos, and honestly, the highlight for me was Carina's Aunty Maria, the saucy minx from their wedding. Aunty Maria wanted to know if they'd boofed and if it was good. 'Cause you know, Paul is French, and they're supposed to, you know, be good in the... is that a thing? Oui? Bonjour! #fiisnowfrench #ofcourseimfrenchwhydoyouthinkihavethisoutrageousaccent. And if you're not a Monty Python fan and the hashtag is too hard, here it is: "Of course I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent?"
COMMERCIAL BREAK FOR KIT KAT
Faaark MAFS, you must be raking in the cash with these in-your-face product placement deals, hey? Actress Veronica passed One L Eliot a block of chocolate and held it up to the screen, "OOOOH, I LOVE Kit Kat!" #didsomeonesaykitkat
Back to the show for the Confessions Letter task for One L Eliot and Actress Veronica. Now, I hate to say it, particularly after the amount of sht I've hung on Eliot for being an Ultimate Warrior Ninja Knob Jockey, but I softened a smidge for him. In his letter, Eliot opened up about the childhood trauma of watching his sister fall into a coma after being diagnosed with Type One diabetes. It was "the end of the world—there was no hope," and the editing team played 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' over the top to reinforce the childhood memory. Eliot explained his Dad "burst in... his strength and stoicism... and the impact on me is I never want to be overwhelmed by emotions... so I may be guarded sometimes. Yours sincerely, One L Eliot." #yoursfaithfullywouldhaveworkedtoo. Awwwww... it made perfect sense and shared an intimate memory explaining why he’s guarded. Eliot ticked a MAFS box, so that was cool.
Actress Veronica was not happy, Jan. "It was something traumatic about someone else! What was YOUR feeling about the event? I didn't learn ANYTHING about you!" Ummmm, what? I hissed whispered from behind the plant, "Oi, Veronica, did we just listen with our eyes to the same letter, Chicka? He shared legit stuff, soooooo..." but sadly, Vanessa glared just at me. Eliot was confused, "I said the world was ending! I opened up to you! Why is my most painful memory not enough for you? That was me being vulnerable." I poked my head around the leaves as Veronica was "maybe, maybe not," leaving the apartment. It continued back and forth until I got a cramp and had to go for a wee. It was so weird; it was almost like a producer told Actress Veronica to go hard at Eliot to make him crack. #whatsurelynot
I felt like I needed to give myself a forehead slap for siding with Eliot, but here we are.
I shook off my imaginary forehead slap and ran downstairs to lunch with Twenty to Life Jamie and The BFG Dave. It was a bit of a love fest, and Jamie's dad got a little #emo #chanel. Yup, Dad Mick "didn't anticipate" his daughter finding happiness on MAFS. #netiherdidwemate. So I hugged Dad Mick, stole a quick nibble on his chicken schnitty, and ran down the road to scab food off DJ Morena and Greg Evans Tony at their luncheon. Man, no wonder I'm putting on weight #areyoufinishedwiththat
DJ Morena explained how hurt she was when Tony escaped to Wollongong on weekends for #tonytime while she cried, sad and alone, on the streets in Sydney. Tony's 'Gong mates explained, "Some people just need time alone," and DJ's mate said, "You can't! NOT in a relationship!" Ummmmm, yeah, you can. Far out, if I couldn't get time by myself, I'd go mad. #nocommentsfromtheaudienceplease.
DJ told Tony's mate, "YOU DON'T know him in a relationship! He headlocks me!" and they laughed. Uh oh, DJ Morena fumed, I tell ya, "Don't IVER IVER IVER! IT'S NOT FUNNY! HEADLOCKS!"
We discovered DJ used to do cartwheels back in her non-MAFS days, and when asked by Tony where that "personality" had gone, she snapped, "You took it... when you found out I was 57... then it was nothing!" Ouchymama. DJ Morena, as much as you annoy me, I reckon you have a point. Tony looked game-show-hosty and said, "Nah, it's not your age; it's the personality!" Far out, you just took a massive dump on her there, Tony.
Morena's friends took Tony for a chat where he admitted they would only ever be friends as he was "over it." The girls asked again if it was about DJ's age, and Tony, realising he'd sound like his cousin Stephen if he told the truth, said, "Ummmm, I always wanted a kid... Yeah! Naah... it's a new thing... like, I just thought of it! Hahaha, yeah wow... what a realisation! THAT'S WHY I didn't want an older woman!" Look, do I believe for a second Tony wants a screaming baby to rouse him from his afternoon couch kindy naps? Naaaaaahhhh, I think he just didn't want to tell her he doesn't like her... and that Cousin Stephen was right: an 'older woman wasn't what you ordered.' #itsnotatakeawayshop #orderup
Tony's nose grew as he told Morena of his desire for a kid, but Morena, wily at 57, saw through the lie: "He blindsided me! I don't deserve it! I have no respect for him at all." Honestly, these two get on my tits. With her aggressive nature and his quest for younger boobies, it was never going to work. #hoorooyoutwo
And we finished the show on the longest, weirdest fcking argument where Veronica tried to milk every inch of drama she could like some weird audition. In their Kit Kat sponsored apartment, Veronica sneered, "I understand he's sensitive," before knocking herself out with the most severe eye roll I've ever seen. Here's a little bit of their convo #asirecall.
VERONICA: I got nothing from your story.
ELIOT: ***politely waiting for her to finish talking*** I opened up to you. It was a harrowing experience for me! I was vulnerable.
VERONICA: DON'T INTERRUPT ME!
ELIOT: Oh ummmm... okay, sorry!
VERONICA: DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME! Your story didn't tell me anything about you!
ME: Ummmmmm, yeah it did actually... and coupled with the real Lauren showing up, maybe he—
VERONICA: **cutting me off*** GET BEHIND THE PLANT, FI, AND SHUT TF UP! STOP RAISING YOUR VOICE, ELIOT!
ELIOT: ***speaking quietly and calmly*** For you to say I 'didn't get anything from that story' is shattering!
VERONICA: DON'T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH! I SAID ***gets palm cards from a producer*** I didn't feel that I gained an additional understanding from you, Eliot.
ELIOT: Sorry, I was paraphrasing.
VERONICA: DON'T YOU PARAPHRASE MY WORDS! MY WALLS ARE UP! HOW YOU SPOKE TO LAUREN AT THE DINNER PARTY!
ELIOT: OK, so about that I—
VERONICA: DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AND GO OFF TRACK.
ME: WHAT?
And on and on aaand on it went with Eliot being logical and Veronica haranguing him at every turn. I dunno, maybe we just witnessed the failed plan of making Eliot look bad enough to fill the Dckhead/villain void Yo Adrian will leave when he #writesleave. Far out, after tonight's hatchet plan and the way Lauren acted last night, maybe he isn't as bad as I thought.
Don't get me wrong. I think the One L Eliot the Backwards Toilet is still up there on Dckhead Mountain pitching his red flags all over the place, but tonight I was on his side.
What the actual fck, Veronica? STOP LISTENING WITH YOUR EYES!
And that was all she wrote.
Toodle pips!
Fi xx