Episode 18
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
The train pulled up at Fight Town tonight! Here’s the Update for Trash Bags, ep 18, on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Public Service Announcement before we start; If you don’t like reading, maybe find another recap as this one is long af X
Let’s check in on the Calamity of Douche Canoes before we get to Fight Night.
Our newbies moved into the Contra Apartments so they could be all “Oh look at us, soooo cute!" with their wedding photos. #lookatmyshoes. Elon Musk Clint, with the name we can't capitalise, admitted he loves doing the washing to his 50's Housewife Lauren. The Lozmeister wasn't happy and set feminism back decades, saying "washing is a girl's job." Hush now, child, there's feminists watching, and you're hurting us. #fabulonloz
Twenty to Life Jamie and The Big Friendly Giant Dave became parents to Mila and Penny, the unwanted goldfish children of Baby Reindeer Billy and Reality Retread Sierah's crap marriage. #unwantednemo. DJ Morena banged on again about Greg Evans Tony's headlocking/fist pumping, forcing him to consider becoming one of those mute monks for the rest of the experiment.
YO Adrian, making his own promo shoot on "How to be a Dkchead in 30 seconds," decided to visit Awhina Warrior Twincess to see if they could "move forward." You see, convincing Awhina to forget everything would allow him to stay in the experiment until the end. #andmarkethisinstructionalpromoshoot. Oh yeah, and Adrian, it's "a c c e p t i n g" not "assepting." You're not that nanny. #notasseptable
It's Family and Friends Week, so What a Coincidence/Look at My Shoulders Rhi and Deirdre Chambers Jeff met up to discuss the Great Text Scandal of 2025 with their families. Yup. Again, folks, leave it alone. I know you're not getting much airtime, but for the love of Sweet Baby Cheeses, drop it already. Everyone in their circle approved, and mehhhhhh.
I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui With a Peen Ryan had their mates over for an awkward meal and "bro" beers. Ryan excitedly gave his bro Adam a beer as his wife Karla made the stupid mistake of asking Jacqui how they "got along." Jacqui took the opportunity to mention the Great Dancing Dip Disgrace of 2025 and STOP FCKNG TALKING ABOUT IT! Far out, the "head job/crazy eyes" rated a mention, and Adam, Ryan's mate, gave them a toast: "Cheers big ears, get over the bullshit and be happy, guys." And all was almost sane in the world. #hisearsarentthatbigmate
COMMERCIAL BREAK
KFC threw some money at MAFS for some product placement, so we had to sit through an embarrassingly staged 60-second infomercial. I tell ya, not once in my life have I EVER had a box of KFC look that full. Truth in advertising, please. #didsomeonesaykfc
After the break, we watched Actress Veronica visit 50's Housewife Lauren as she thought it was Lauren munching on something finger lickin' good. Her mistake cost her dearly as 1: Lauren shitcanned One L Eliot the Backwards Toilet, saying "He's as shallow as a pond in the desert! He's a narc! Hahah, run! My hubster is lovely!" and 2: she missed out on the KFC.
PHOTO WALL OF FARKERY FOR THE NEWBIES
OK, so let's just all agree that Lauren hates the living sht out of Eliot and Jacqui too. After placing Jacqui mid in the challenge, Elon Musk Clint in lower case copped an earful from Lauren about Jacqui: "She looks rough," before whispering to us, "He likes scruffy women." Yowza, Lauren, calm down and put some washing on. Oh yeah, Clint gives Lauren a "good feeling" in her nips. #oooohitdoesgetin
In his photo challenge, One L rated the women purely on looks, and I, for one, was shocked. Veronica, the one with enough emotional intelligence for both of them, rated Dave as her number one guy: "He's tall, gorgeous, funny, respectful... pretty hard to top." She rated Eliot third, and as much as he said, "Nah, all good," that chip on his shoulder turned into a full freaking spud. Just get some of that Blue Loo stuff into you, mate; a good clean would have seen you place higher up the ladder.
Then we dashed back to Clint and Lauren's pad, where they were playing that song "True Colours" by Cindy Lauper while watching Lauren's audition tape. Holy sht, I've been banging on about Eliot's red flags, when ol' mate Lauren was a red flag-waving bull attractor the whole time. Her audition tape listed all the things she wanted in a guy: "They need to earn a million dollars... I'd probs hate someone not successful... be a protector, provider and an alpha." Poor old lower case Clint asked, "Am I masculine enough for you?" Lauren did a smug smile before running out on the balcony to tell us, "He shaves his chest! He was wearing a paper g-string while he got a spray tan! Let your chest hair grow!" Far out Lauren, how has a bull not run full pelt into you yet?
WHEN PACKS ATTACK - FRIENDS AND FAMILY WITH YO ADRIAN AND AWHINA WARRIOR TWINCESS
Leaving KFC House, I ran down to the local to join an exhausted Awhina and YO Adrian to meet up with his twin sisters and his bestie Jasmine. And folks, I hate to be the bearer of obvious news, but these three were obviously only there to speak for Yo. #someonehastospeakforhimiguess.
While Awhina, looking exhausted from crying all morning, waited for her sister Cleo to arrive, the #packattacked. "What happened? Why so up and down? No one's perfect!" They kept talking over Awhina as she tried to logically explain their issues. Ahhhhhhhhh, I see, there’s a Yo trend in the family.
Awhina's Sister Cleo made an appearance ***prep the Rocky music please, folks*** and recognised her sister had been crying. "She's been sleeping actually; Awhina seems to have most of the problems, so I want you guys to hear her. Why did you write leave?" Yo sneered like a mthrfckr. Oh look, the whole scene was sht, so here's the Fi version:
AWHINA: Well, it's a little thin—
yo: Tell them the real problem you're having.
CLEO: Hush, Mumbles.
AWHINA:I want to show up for AdR—
JASMINE: **^cutting off Awhina*** Blah blah, what does showing up look like?
AWHINA: Well, acknowledging that I exist would be nice—
JASMINE: ***cutting off Awhina*** You don't partake in this?
AWHINA:I sugarcoat everything! He doesn't listen!
TWIN 1: ***glares and whispers*** Double, double, toil and trouble.
TWIN 2: ***glares and whispers back*** Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
YO: That's on you! We talked about this three times; that's me hearing you. #pipedownchachi.
JASMINE: ***looking down her nose at Awhina*** It's hard to show up when you focus on the negatives.
Then the ‘da da da da da da da da daaaaaaaa’ tune from Rocky started, and Sister Cleo swooped in. "Let's just stop it there; he hasn't shown up once!" Awhina explained Yo had never asked about her son, and Yo responded, "sawekgwegelkjsd wawegklhwsglhnkegl." #soznotsoz. "You said you would talk about him when you're ready." And come on, Yo, 'as a man.' #nah take the hint as Awhina had mentioned her son "randomly here and there."
And that's when it happened. Jasmine muttered, "I would hope so."
OH NO YOU FCKN DIDN'T! In the cauldron for you, love.
Cleo jumped in, "Of course she did; she's a fantastic mother! Lose that attitude!" while I chanted "fight! fight! fight!" from behind the pot plant.
Holy shizen, Cleo continued, "HOW DARE YOU! SHE'S THE BEST MUM! YOU ARE RATCHET!" Yowza. Jasmine replied, "It's NURSE RATCHET TO YOU!" #shedidntbutstill.
Adrian and the three got up, "You're so aggressive, we're done!" As Yo walked out, Cleo told him to leave the apartment and "pack your own stuff this time."
One of Yo's sisters came back, and Awhina by this stage was singing "getting stronger..." and climbed to the top of the stairs and fist-pumped the air at the top. #morenawontbehappy. "Walk along, babe," she said to Twin 1. "You're not worth it— you, your brother, no one! Shoo fly!" #aeroguardtwin.
The good sisters had an emotional moment inside while Yo moaned to his pack outside, "I might not have a son, but I gave up my job! My dog!" #dogwashappybosswashappy. Yo added, "Writing stay was about me showing up... again! I'm staying until the Commitment Ceremony!"
Oh, feck off, Yo. Are you really that desperate for that orthodontics sponsorship?
Hanging out the front of the pub, Twin 1 whispered, "You can't polish a turd," and Twin 2, not to be out-twinned, stirred the bubbling cauldron, added a pinch of salt and said, "You can put a ribbon on a garbage bin, but it's still trash."
And yes mate, yes it is. So jump in the bin with your brother, PLEASE.
And that was all she wrote.
Toodle Pips!
Fi xx